tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15559821102120510772024-03-09T18:46:07.610-08:00So I peed on a stick.......I started this blog when I found out I was pregnant and it has followed me on my journey to living in Brooklyn and to moving to the suburbs in orange county, Ca. I'm a photographer turned stay at home mom raising my wild toddler with my photographer husband all while trying to keep things exciting and a little punk rock.Jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12672564934635426253noreply@blogger.comBlogger765125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1555982110212051077.post-29299536536868041812016-01-04T13:50:00.001-08:002016-01-04T13:50:15.201-08:002 0 1 6I'm back. Who knows for how long. This morning I woke up and I was thinking about this blog and what an amazing little space its been throughout the last 6 years. I get excited and nervous that I will have some place to look back at and see how I've grown or maybe how I've changed or maybe not changed at all. Whatever it is, it's here. It's a new year which I guess seems fitting to come back here. This year instead of resolutions we made intentions. In a sense its the same idea but I guess a little less pressure. A kinder to yourself approach to making changes. I had a really hard time coming up with something. I think because my mind was just buzzing with so much holiday hangover. The one thing I haven't been the last few weeks is grounded to any thoughts. It's temporary. Olive has been out of school, our routines have been off, we've been traveling, so ya it's been a lot. Anyways the one I came up with, yes the only one so far is to be fearless. Vague as hell I know but over the past year I feel like the one thing that has held me back is fear. It could be a totally simple thing or like a major life change but I realized that fear and I really have a hard time. I may not conquer it this year but that's why it's an intention.<br />
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Soooooooo on that note I start my training to become a yoga teacher in 2 weeks. Yep me with all my phobias about public speaking getting up in front of a class and talking. But on the flip side I am so so so so so excited. I feel like yoga and meditation has made such a big change in my life that I want to understand more. I want to see where it can take me. I love shit that doesn't have an end. Like with yoga I can get ok, maybe even amazing but physically there is like this crazy journey it can take you on. You can always improve on it. Also mentally and spiritually, I feel like the more I understand myself and find peace and quiet in my mind the more I can understand about literally every aspect of my life. I want people to feel that. I also need to be creative, It's the one thing I miss about not being a real photographer anymore. I feel like this will help with that. I've pushed that need to the side for so long and I think it's time to chase it, just down a slightly different path. I have no idea where this will lead me but I'm doing it! I think I kept waiting for something to happen or for something to change and it didn't. It can't, thats not realistic. I had to figure something out. Logistically this is insane, I mean financially it's crazy for us and adding babysitters on top of that is nuts. BUT I feel like it's also an excuse. If I sat here and didn't make some sort of effort towards my happiness then isn't that worse? So I'm gonna yoga my little heart out and take it all in. And fingers crossed I don't puke cause I'm so nervous speaking in front of a class.<br />
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Cheers to 2016!!!<br />
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<br />Jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12672564934635426253noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1555982110212051077.post-37006237893349271742015-07-22T14:37:00.001-07:002015-07-22T14:37:08.692-07:00Friend shitOtto is asleep on my lap. He's currently very anti nap in his bed and very happy with laps on mamas lap. I'm not mad. It's cozy and a little sweaty. <div><br></div><div>Obviously I've been MIA on this blog. I would come on and not know what to write or when I started writing it didn't feel good. I feel like my Instagram has been this journal of my daily life and for the time being that felt right. It wasn't all the bad stuff but the cute moments and I'm ok with that. </div><div><br></div><div>I've had a sorta strange month. Strange in a good way. This last year has been this crazy journey or finding some sort of balance with my life in parenting and most important a happiness in myself. I think things would happen in my life and I would just let them but now I'm feeling and seeing more. It feels fantastic and scary and amazing.</div><div><br></div><div>A few weeks ago a family friends grandfather died. I was close to him as a kid as we vacationed together but as life went on I barely saw him. He was one of those people that took life by the balls and truly enjoyed what he did and who he was. I will always remember him being the funniest man. He had so many hysterical sayings that a lot of people spoke about at the memorial. As a kid they didn't mean much to me but as an adult it was like holy shit this guy just totally nailed life. I was talking to his son and he mentioned something he had said about surrounding yourself with good people that make you happy. It was more involved but that was the jist of it. It wasn't some deep poetic quote by any means. It was honest and so true for the timing. It sat with me for days and I think it's changed something in me. </div><div><br></div><div>I think as we get older there are people in our lives that we think we need because they've been there for so long not because they make us feel better or make us better people. I've held on to a few of these people and I have no idea why. They drain me and they sure as shit don't get who I am or support who I want to be. It's complicated to just end a friendship but now I think I feel this peace in knowing the people that I do want in my life. I think I'm putting more effort into those friendships. The ones that make me feel totally happy after a phone call or a hang. I've decided if I don't feel good after taking to someone it's not worth my time. I don't have a lot of time in the day so I for sure want to spend it with the ones that make me happy. This all sounds so simple but it's not. Life is filled with bullshit and we all get caught up in it. No one deserves to be drained only lifted up. Even lately there have been some friendships that have come into my life that are so exciting and different. You're kinda never too old to make friends and sometimes people come in at different times for different reasons. I totally believe that. I'm learning to trust myself more and I kinda love that. </div><div><br></div><div>Surround yourself with good people not shit heads that make you feel crappy! </div><div><br></div><div><br></div><div><br></div><div><br></div>Jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12672564934635426253noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1555982110212051077.post-22356148160987314022015-04-22T20:33:00.002-07:002015-04-22T20:33:13.278-07:00chchchchanges<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Sometimes there is a need for change in life, in who we are and what we do. Just anywhere. I feel it a lot lately. I don't always get the reasons or how to make these changes but my mood is off. Maybe it's the changing of the seasons, the lack of sleep, or just the general stress of life but life feels funny. There is something in the air. So lets hope I find it soon. </div>
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Life has been busy but not too crazy. I feel less chaotic and we aren't buzzing around like we normally do. We keep busy but we've been spending a lot more time doing simple things. Olive has been obsessed with riding her bike. She wakes up in the morning and immediatly asks to go ride her bike. It's kinda amazing and she is getting really good. Total nutcase daredevil, jumping off curbs and taking her feet off the pedals. Hmmm wonder where she gets that from. Otto keeps up on his scooter bombing the driveways. We've been hanging with the neighbors more and its been nice. It feels like a little community and I love it. I wasn't so sure how I would do in suburbia but I like it. </div>
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Jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12672564934635426253noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1555982110212051077.post-12592442581776066782015-04-03T13:39:00.000-07:002015-04-03T13:39:00.896-07:00film film film<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
I think this is the last of my film. I hope it inspires me to shoot more or at least think about it cause this shit is expensive to process. I guess I forgot about that part. But it was fun and it made me realize that I do love shooting, just when its on my own terms. </div>
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<br />Jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12672564934635426253noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1555982110212051077.post-86786076924592438722015-04-03T13:28:00.003-07:002015-04-03T13:28:45.817-07:00green and brown<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
More photos from my film camera. We were actually in this location yesterday and it looks nothing like it anymore. Everything is brown and dead. This drought is serious business. I've been trying to take Otto on adventures when Olive is in school. Sometimes I feel like all I do is bring him along on all my chores and I feel kinda bad so I'm making more of a effort to plan days for us. The days have been long. Otto is still up at 5 give or take the days he will fall asleep on me till 6. And he won't nap at home. He has no problem in the car or stroller but refuses at home. I keep telling myself its just a phase but I think that's a lie. </div>
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We survived spring break and actually it was kinda nice. I don't mind when Olive isn't in school. We always keep busy so that's not really a problem. Things are just a lot more crowded and annoying during spring break which is the shitty part. I hate crowds, I'm totally spoiled from being able to do things all week with places fairly empty. I'm hoping during summer we can come up with a good list of things to do to avoid crowds. </div>
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Yesterday.........<br />
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<br />Jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12672564934635426253noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1555982110212051077.post-36900836343395210922015-03-20T13:33:00.000-07:002015-03-20T13:33:38.887-07:00mom pic Sleep has been very minimal in this house and while the lack of it doesn't really bother my most of the time it finally caught up. I actually feel sick to my stomach and my face aches and my eyes burn. The transition to toddler bed has been a little rough. We've finally gotten to a good ish place where he goes to sleep and for the most part stays in there all night. But he is up early, like 4:45-5 am early. I bring him into bed hoping he will go back to sleep. He has once or twice but the other times he just lays on top of me, plays with my hair and acts restless. I play this game for about 45 min then give him the iPad which lasts a few min. Blake has been amazing and takes him out of the room around 6 so I can get one more hour of sleep in. It's just been a lot. It's been weeks of this and it finally just caught up. I know it won't be like this forever, I'm not mad just tired as hell. That and he's on nap strike this week. If he doesn't want the nap I'll sure as hell take it!<br />
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I dream of being in a hotel room with Blake with a open door to the ocean breeze laying in bed ALLLLLLLL damn day. I want to order room service for a 3 meals and I want to do nothing for 24 hours. Is that too much to ask??<br />
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I was without a phone a few weekends ago so I actually shot some film when we hiked out in Joshua tree. It felt pretty good to be away from my phone and just have my camera. I felt creative for the first time in awhile. I got a few good photos back. Blake shot a few of me and the kids and I really like them. Mom bio pic. I have a few more rolls that I need to post from but I'll get to them eventually.<br />
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<br />Jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12672564934635426253noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1555982110212051077.post-4502678737046081982015-03-17T20:05:00.000-07:002015-03-17T20:05:38.698-07:00My Target Fairy GodmotherWhen people see you with kids they like to throw advice at you or give you suggestions on raising these tiny humans that belong to you. I always found that kinda strange. I mean you wouldn't walk up to someone who was overweight and eating ice cream and suggest they try a salad. It seems along the same lines of something so personal. I feel like now with two kids I'm used to the random advice and words of wisdom while brushing past old ladies in the grocery store or out and about. I am always polite and I listen. I mostly find it funny. Otto and I ran into the cutest old man at the zoo last week. Otto was trying to see a spider and the man picked him up and started showing him all the critters. I swear it wasn't creepy. I was right there and he was beyond sweet. The grandpa just oozed off him. Otto just loved him. When he put him down Otto was on the next thing so he walked with us for a little bit. Turns out his son was the director of the zoo so I imagine he just hangs out there all day and tells people about the animals. He raised 4 boys and shared some funny stuff. Otto kept reaching for him. Kids just get it sometimes. Mom life, hanging out with old dudes at the zoo.<br />
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The other day in target this lady appeared out of nowhere. She wasn't old but clearly had grown kids. Otto was playing on my phone cause Target with two kids is hell, brutal HELL and I will do anything to keep him busy. She made a comment about how amazing kids are with phones. I'm always cringe when someone mentions the phone cause people (especially those without kids or those that have way older kids) get way judgy. We got into a quick conversation about how hard being a mom is. She was joking about all the different moms you meet when you first have kids and how you are always wondering if you are doing it all right. Basically how I felt with Olive. Just how we compare and always freak out if our kid isn't doing what the other kids are doing. I get that. With Olive I was always worried. Am I stimulating her enough? Can she count high enough? Did she eat enough veggies? And with Otto I'm like he is alive today. High five for me! She started talking about elementary school and how you start meeting these other moms that are just so different. And how they think their kids should be peaking in like 5th grade. She said that was so crazy for her and how she just didn't get how people didn't let their kids be kids. I don't know why it struck me so much. It wasn't any profound advice or words of wisdom but it was like this next step in parenting, the school years that happen to be quickly approaching. They just need to be kids. I mean I get all that of course but sometimes there are these weird gentle reminders of things, even from strangers. Olive is growing up fast. It's her world, it's everything that she is exposed to and I can't slow it down but I can make sure she gets some good doses of "kid" things and embraces whatever she can and wants to. Bottomline let them be kids.<br />
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Photos from the month in random order.<br />
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<br />Jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12672564934635426253noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1555982110212051077.post-12699531402469224012015-03-12T21:51:00.003-07:002015-03-12T21:51:48.029-07:00pop princess <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Most of the time I come on here and write a sentence and delete. I have nothing and everything to say. Life has been busy but not too busy. I've been trying my hardest not to go like my usual crazy self. I mean we are still on the go but its less manic. While I thought the go go go was keeping me busy it was actually just hiding all my shit that I'm dealing with. So I'm finding quiet moments in the day, for me, for the kids, for everyone. I'm really starting to feel more balance on most days. I feel more in control or at least aware. Its a process and I know that. I'm still learning to take care of myself and after never really doing it I'm learning I need to cause in the end it makes us all happy. </div>
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The kids are happy and crazy as ever. Otto is coming into two full speed ahead. He is so fun. He has the funniest personality ever. Has a dance in his step when he walks kinda guy. He's nut's and all boy He is currently sporting two black eyes and a giant scratch under chin. Not to mention the giant shiner on his head he got tonight. It's busy busy but he is a sweet kid. He's insanely smart and thoughtful about everything he does. We just put him in a toddler bed and it's been a little wild around here. A lot of nap skipping and crying but I think we're getting there slowly. I really wish him and Olive would crawl into bed together but I can see that being a pillow fight up till midnight kinda thing. Olive has become my little teenager. I was talking to a women yesterday who was saying this is the exact age you will see what a teenage version of your kid will be. I'm terrified if that is true. She is a good kid but she will test me and take me to the very very end. Lets just say my grey hair is going strong. </div>
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With daylight savings we've been spending a ton of time in the backyard. I can't even remember the last time we ate inside. Something about being outside just makes us all a bit more calm. </div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnRKj9Rna6zeZTvrINpP-atGrQDM3mvDeKzIUeZXsj9HBe7pNShveSU-yK_D4BQTOQpJO2_C9n6SABpq64PobvnG47PrV_pwEYxWVBzRF7tFERnCj9PloiScLKr6sHVQ8b8w6iZVUTaF0/s1600/IMG_2841.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnRKj9Rna6zeZTvrINpP-atGrQDM3mvDeKzIUeZXsj9HBe7pNShveSU-yK_D4BQTOQpJO2_C9n6SABpq64PobvnG47PrV_pwEYxWVBzRF7tFERnCj9PloiScLKr6sHVQ8b8w6iZVUTaF0/s1600/IMG_2841.jpg" height="400" width="300" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">He said night night and kissed her. Kinda sweet and equally creepy . </td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Some days I try to yoga and I fail. </td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjufrfK7qYG13RoRtHVHmAsR7uLOxlnOZIL7Hy6OJEldUG3TDE5gO4-Ze7pcVyof9RuCaA8rnL6OPReYAs_NfU93Dfj-eXaOigMfGIhyOJE451UMKoqzEaCMozzbJ7fve_iXLJybWApGxU/s1600/IMG_3028.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjufrfK7qYG13RoRtHVHmAsR7uLOxlnOZIL7Hy6OJEldUG3TDE5gO4-Ze7pcVyof9RuCaA8rnL6OPReYAs_NfU93Dfj-eXaOigMfGIhyOJE451UMKoqzEaCMozzbJ7fve_iXLJybWApGxU/s1600/IMG_3028.jpg" height="400" width="300" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Ikea ice cream fail. </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<br />Jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12672564934635426253noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1555982110212051077.post-88327339223097259352015-02-20T09:52:00.002-08:002015-03-05T19:51:10.140-08:00catching up <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
It's almost 10am and we are still at home. Totally out of the ordinary for us. I've been waiting for a repair guy who clearly thinks showing up 2 hours late is ok. I've been bad mom and let the kids watch tv and play on the iPads so I'm taking advantage and using the computer. I think I'm finally caught up on all my photos and it feels good!</div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMM1MFnW0_L3X1j7pS9L4W2ldj71lJrtrtZmJ3-Dqre61xeA_vf66XlWn89evAXFwzHaLBtoDXqM5plfEttMN-GGFYKNvk5fBVlx_8AgwcxymUcKCLC9W_9JxJegiKeY5GOfTn8XALViw/s1600/IMG_2438.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMM1MFnW0_L3X1j7pS9L4W2ldj71lJrtrtZmJ3-Dqre61xeA_vf66XlWn89evAXFwzHaLBtoDXqM5plfEttMN-GGFYKNvk5fBVlx_8AgwcxymUcKCLC9W_9JxJegiKeY5GOfTn8XALViw/s1600/IMG_2438.JPG" height="300" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I've been obsessed with bleaching little shorts for Otto. It's a nice stinky mess but it's pretty fun. </td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjryVyT0ybnDWPzO7lm3quY6r2ZUoXAVfr1Tl9ZfNAOA581YPSoW5av-u8cMo1yH2aGQx6ykC1odUz54gdJZfAPoBj-IZziPNu8-SF5gVY4FMsxWXja0G-vcehoDYRG3oaPIDzxaHsn46Y/s1600/IMG_2448.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjryVyT0ybnDWPzO7lm3quY6r2ZUoXAVfr1Tl9ZfNAOA581YPSoW5av-u8cMo1yH2aGQx6ykC1odUz54gdJZfAPoBj-IZziPNu8-SF5gVY4FMsxWXja0G-vcehoDYRG3oaPIDzxaHsn46Y/s1600/IMG_2448.jpg" height="400" width="300" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">So little and so cute. </td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgLvKFebHy3EnQvFlyf8NQi8SoZWHODcYVPLlZZRNy0VaTNq48H0wczQzVfcdqt0NYzEFRgVs9iE44Pf2a4p6x-iZrR1H9FEWMx1mUTKRy4edbIcXMbNUYZntA-UxSTR8YTzgtICX1gsrM/s1600/IMG_2445.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgLvKFebHy3EnQvFlyf8NQi8SoZWHODcYVPLlZZRNy0VaTNq48H0wczQzVfcdqt0NYzEFRgVs9iE44Pf2a4p6x-iZrR1H9FEWMx1mUTKRy4edbIcXMbNUYZntA-UxSTR8YTzgtICX1gsrM/s1600/IMG_2445.jpg" height="400" width="300" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Her Valentines stash from school. </td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Valentines Day was amazing. I refuse to go out to dinner and "celebrate" so we did a beach day with the family and some friends. Stayed till it got dark and ate pizza and cupcakes. </td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Weird photo but Otto was so tired after the beach that he passed out in the shower. </td></tr>
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Jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12672564934635426253noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1555982110212051077.post-57706408070388934502015-02-19T20:44:00.000-08:002015-02-19T20:44:32.874-08:00here i am<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
I've really been trying to live more in the moment and not get so stressed on what I need to be doing next and just try to be present. The idea of it is amazing and some days I nail it, other days I fail miserably. This week has been hard and just trying. For the first time in my life I've taken responsibility for feelings that I have. For me this is major anxiety and depression. Some days some weeks are bad bad bad, other days I do great and I'm calm like really calm. I can remember writing posts years ago and feeling an emptiness. I never understood it but now I get it. I always pictured a depressed person sitting in their bed not able to get out and face the day so I never thought that was me. Cause if I can do anything I can take the day by the balls. I can get a million things done, go on crazy adventures, and do it with an insane amount of energy. And hello to the manic part. It's pretty severe and I only joke cause while I may be bat shit crazy I can't take myself THAT serious. It all stems from some pretty messed up stuff but thats totally besides the point. The issue is dealing with it every single day. Add my kids to the mix and it's hard, really hard. We all deal with things so it's not like I'm alone. In all my therapy the one thing I've noticed is everyone is pretty fucked up. We all have our shit and its really just a matter of how you deal with it. I'm trying so so hard. Although I'm dealing with all of this I also finally feel whole if that makes sense. Like all the pieces came together and while they may be kinda wacky they are all there. I'm not sure why I felt like I needed to put it out there but I'm sure I'm not alone in this. I don't have all the answers and I sure as shit don't know what I'm doing most of the time but I just want to be happy. It seems so so simple and its truly what I wake up every morning breathing in. </div>
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My photos are always my happy place. Little tiny moments when things were just right. I want to remember these right here. </div>
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So Blake and I went on a trip to Joshua Tree. It was amazing and for the first time in my life I feel like I relaxed, like truly stopped. It's pretty incredible out there. People always talk about the weird powers and feelings out there and I thought it was some hippy bullshit but it's not. It's pretty magical. Oh and we got matching tattoos cause were weird like that. </div>
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And then we came home and it was practically summer here....<br />
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Jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12672564934635426253noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1555982110212051077.post-85854290347912175462015-02-11T22:51:00.004-08:002015-02-11T22:51:51.956-08:00it's not you it's meI got into bed with some good intentions of sleeping but my head is spinning with a million things and the last thing I'm going to do is sleep. My twice a month posts are pathetic but I do have so many good intentions of writing more but the plain truth is I'm tired every single night. Today was an interesting one and a huge lesson in so many ways for me. I've always brought my kids into "my world" which I mean doing stuff maybe I enjoy and letting them experience it to a certain degree. Sometimes this backfires and sometimes its an incredible experience. Basically manitaning relationships with friends that don't have kids is really really hard.<br />
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Today I realized that and it was a big eye opener. We only had plans to get lunch which was a pretty damn large feet. Everything about it was difficult. Olive completly read the situation and knew that the attention wasn't on her and just reacted right away. She is a smart smart kid so she played it up. She took being a shitty kid to a whole other level. Every single time I told her to stop or yelled at her it was just more and more fuel as it was bits of attention. Now I know she is 4 and a total little shit most of the time. I can handle that. Today was beyond anything I've ever seen. I know I can be dramatic but I am not kidding when I say it was hands down the hardest few hours with her. Luckily my friend loves my kids and doesn't hold it against me but still for the first time ever I was embarrassed. I blamed myself and my parenting thinking I was raising this spoiled rotten brat that has zero respect. I felt super shitty. I was disappointed in her and mostly in myself. When we got in the car to drive home both kids passed out and I just thought about it. All of a sudden it hit me that it wasn't her fault for being a little shit, it was my fault for putting her in that situation. Now I know life isn't all fun and games but how can you expect a 4 year old to walk quietly and not whine and complain or beat up on Otto while me and my friend are trying to talk about (to her) the most boring conversation ever. We were walking down a busy street, it was hot, and no one was talking to her. I'm the asshole here. I'm not in any way defending my kid and her shitty behavior I just think the expectations are crazy. I mean obviously some kids would be perfect angels. If you know me or read this blog then you know I don't and will never have those kids. I'm fine with that.<br />
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During Christmas time I read a pretty cool article. I wish I could find it now but I think about it a lot. Basically it was just saying how during the holidays we shlep our kids to all these adult parties, make them wear stupid clothes, take a bunch of photos, hang out with weird aunts and cousins they have only met once and we expect them to be good. It's bullshit and the article kinda talked about that. It wasn't rocket science but I think we don't always think about it. Ya it sucks I wanted more than anything to catch up with my friend and talk for more than 1 min before having to stop and yell or remove one of them off each other but this is my reality. While I need to raise my kids to be respecful I can't expect perfect little angeles. I know its all obvious stuff but today just really opened my eyes. I love all my child-less friends but I think I need to revaluate when and how I see them. Being stressed all day over Olive and yelling and threatening did nothing for both of us.<br />
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It was a long day and there were definitely early bedtimes for the kids and a very large glass of wine but we made it and its pretty exciting when you can learn something. The glass of wine plus my lack of sleep put me in a crap mood tonight. By the time Blake got home I was exhausted and grumpy. We sat on the couch and talked for awhile. He was telling me all about these podcasts he listens to and just talking about his day and people from work. It was wonderful and seriously makes me so happy but all of a sudden I was just overwhelmed by this shit feeling of I have nothing interesting to tell you, nothing. I know he doesn't expect anything, he knows what I do all day but its me. I know I've talked about this a million times on here. I try not to get too down on myself about it as I literally have no time for myself but I just felt shitty. I felt left out. I felt sad. I felt pathetic. These feelings are just the gateway to the depression that sets in when you realize you just have nothing interesting to talk about. In the light of day and much more sleep it's never that bad of course but some days it's hard. Today was just one of those days.<br />
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Random photos to end on a good note....<br />
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<br />Jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12672564934635426253noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1555982110212051077.post-25878848964411021732015-01-21T20:53:00.001-08:002015-01-21T20:53:10.829-08:00goth I've opened this blog a dozen times over the last few weeks and just stared at the screen. I would write a sentence, delete, and repeat. This space still feels weird. tainted maybe. Right now it's hard to write about my life when my head is all over the place and my feelings are so up and down and all around. Taking photos is so much easier. It's like this one moment that is perfect and there. It doesn't change. It is what it is. You can remember just that moment and it can be just that. Call it controlling or whatever but it brings me some sort of peace in all this chaos. I'm working on it one post at a time.<br />
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Olive learned to ride a bike, a two wheeler. Kind of a big milestone in life I'd say. We took off her training wheels months ago and took her out. After a few minutes she was beyond frustrated and crying so we decided to give it some time. I knew she would be able to do now. It took a few times holding on to her so she could figure out her balance and then a few pushes to get some speed but she nailed it. After 15 minutes she was riding around like she'd been doing it her whole life. We took another ride today and she did amazing. We were stuck in the house for the last few days with the sick. Both kids have a nasty cough. It's been crazy and we all went a bit stir crazy but I decided today we all needed a little break.<br />
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Having a 4 year old is pretty rad when she isn't being a total jerk . Today she decided to call me Jenn and holy crap did she think it was the funniest thing in the world. Kid is full of personality and energy. She knows how to have fun and her imagination is like something I've never seen before. She has developed some weird fears. It all started a few months ago when we were at Disneyland. We were watching the Jedi training school thing and Darth Maul came out and she immediatly started crying and jumped under the table. I have never seen her scared of anything before so this was shocking. After that the night fears and fear of going to bed really set in. There was about a month or two where it was hours of screaming and crying before she would stay in her room. Like the kind of crying where you can't breathe. It was a pretty wild time and to say it was exhausting doesn't even give you an idea of what we went through. She was scared of everything in her room, the dark, monsters and pretty much her own shadow. One night when I was moving the Elf on the Shelf to a new spot I came up with an idea to have the elf leave her something magic. If it came from us she would have blown it off as bullshit but coming from the elf, it had to be true. I searched through some drawers and found a silver dollar. Funny enough I think it came from "the tooth fairy" when I was a kid. Why I have it or kept it was beyond me but it came in handy. The elf wrote a letter explaining that by putting the coin under her pillow that she would be protected from all monsters and evil. It worked perfectly and the next night it was like a new kid. Crazy right? We still have to go through a whole night time ritual and every light in the hall/bathroom is on but its fine. Nothing is as crazy as all the screaming. After the coin she was still waking up and coming in our bed in the middle of the night. After a few sleepless weeks we moved her to a floor bed when she came in. If it was as simple as her falling asleep on the floor it would be fine but she would toss and turn and do this weird throat thing which is her current weird tick. I say this in a loving joking way cause she is a weird kid but in the best way possible. So as of now she is sleeping in her room. Hallelujah!<br />
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With the fear of the dark came the death talks. We told her about someone who died while trying to save someone who was drowning in the ocean (he was a lifeguard) and it totally kicked in that fear of the ocean and being completely freaked out when Blake goes surfing. She was beyond curious about death and spent a lot of time talking about it. She would tell people about Ben (who had died) It was kinda awkward and uncomfortable especially because she would straight up tell strangers about him. I know, weird. But really I get it. Death is this crazy new concept for her and wrapping her 4 year brain around it is HUGE. Not everything is goth for her. She is learning at the most incredible rate. Sometimes I forget she is 4 because I feel like she gets so much. She loves school, loves learning, and is the most social kid I know. I walked her into school one day and three girls ran over to her, one gave her a hug and the others whisked her away. It was for sure one of those emotional moments where she is her own little person and at that moment she was just her, didn't need me. Moments like that are weird in parenting, bittersweet I guess. As crazy and hectic as life is I've been trying to live in more of these moments. It sounds easy and natural but it's not. Life is full of a million errands, another kid running the opposite direction, thoughts of dinner, cleaning, the possibility of getting a bathroom break, and returning a phone call from a friend that called you weeks ago. Ya shit like that. But ya the moment. I don't always do it but I'm trying to when I can.<br />
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<br />Jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12672564934635426253noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1555982110212051077.post-4624289454961712772015-01-07T16:13:00.001-08:002015-01-07T16:13:27.621-08:002 0 1 5 F U C K Y AYep I'm still around. I took a little break from the blog but I feel ready to get back to it. Life took a funny little turn and shook me up and spit me out. I've been dealing with a lot of shit, a lot. It's been some of the worst crap I've ever dealt with but it's also changed my life. A lot for the better and maybe some for the worst. I'm dealing with myself and my demons and whatever else gets thrown at me for the first time ever. I'm ready to take life by the balls!!! This space used to be for me to just vent and share my life and I feel like I want that back. <div>
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So happy new year and cheers to 2015!!!!<div>
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Jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12672564934635426253noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1555982110212051077.post-68819218894289908162014-07-17T20:14:00.002-07:002014-07-17T20:14:21.291-07:00Otto is ONEPizza, popsicles and the beach to celebrate Otto. Otto turned one and he did it in style. He thrashed his smash cake and ate 3 popsicles. It was a really good day and I feel insanely lucky to have such wonderful people in our lives who love him so much to be there. Everyone seemed to have such a good time especially Otto!<div>
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We have "real" photos but who the hell knows when we will get to them so for now this kinda sums up the party.<br /><div>
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Jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12672564934635426253noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1555982110212051077.post-4054086174589745832014-07-17T19:46:00.001-07:002014-07-17T19:46:42.651-07:00wine + ice cream Olive's fever is making itself quite comfy. I took her to the dr this morning and she seems to have a virus. I mean I probably could have guessed that but this was the first sick where she has had a fever for 3 days. It's been a long day so far. I get antsy when I don't get out, mostly irritable which results in me being an asshole and having zero patience with the kids. We missed one of Otto's friends birthday parties this am which I am super sad about because all my friends were there and man oh man do I need them for sanity. We also had tickets for X and Bad Religion tonight and we were taking Olive but she is way too sick to go. I am so sad as she would have loved it. I think last time Blake and I had tickets to a concert a kid was sick. Maybe live music just isn't meant to be. Luckily Blake was able to take his parents and use the tickets so at least they will have a good night. Meanwhile I'm being super emo and pissed at the world cause I'm hungry and beyond tired.<br />
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Olive has been a trooper with the sick. She mostly just wants to be left alone which is fine but Otto has other plans. As soon as she gets cozy on the couch he pretty much body slams her. I mean its not all day but she is irritable which I totally get. Otto is sensing my stress and being extra needy. If I'm not carrying him around we are reading. It's his new favorite thing. We pile books up and read them over and over. He has a few favorites but he wants them over and over. I love it so much but the second I get up to get water or pee he freaks out. It's just been a long ass week and I'm burnt out. I am very ready for the weekend.<br />
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Obviously all of these things are out of my control which I think is still something I am trying to learn. I know it sounds simple but it's not. I can be the most zen person on the planet for the most stressful things but when my plans change or I'm thrown off I freak. This is the Sagittarius in me. I've mentioned my new found soul searching in astrology and I am learning so much about myself. It's made me more aware of things and closer to accepting them or changing them (the negative things) but I also think I've focused on the positive. Maybe its all bullshit but I'm finding something to grasp on to and its good. I'm just having trouble finding certain calm areas in my life because I feel misunderstood and unappreciated. I don't feel like any of my needs or wants are acknowledged or taken seriously. So ya that gets annoying. I complain when really its about doing and making changes but baby steps. Part of it is I just can't find the chance to breathe or catch up on anything and I'm constantly feeling behind or like I have a pile of shit to do. So excuse me while I eat ice cream for dinner and chase it with a glass of wine......<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Finally back to running. Trying out new trails. </td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">He makes everything dangerous, everything! </td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Breakfast of champs. </td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Fake meat, black beans, grilled peppers, avocado, and cotija cheese tostada. I went through a pretty shitty cooking phase but I'm feeling super inspired lately so maybe I will post more photos......</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Bed of nails. So goth. </td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Ok I know this looks NASTY as shit but it was delicious. Salmon with a homemade pesto sauce. I have a basil plant that is going crazy so I made a big batch. How did I not do this earlier? Pesto and salmon were meant for each other. Cous cous and sautéed kale with a lemon garlic dressing. </td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Otto likes to eat his food and then help himself to Olives leftovers. Kid has a hell of an appetite. </td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">We made pretzels. I still have my wetzel pretzel making skills from when I worked there at 16. </td></tr>
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<br />Jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12672564934635426253noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1555982110212051077.post-42051140943941576632014-07-17T13:21:00.001-07:002014-07-17T13:21:03.834-07:00home<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
June (July) gloom morning and a feverish Olive calls for pjs and destroying the house all day. Olive has a mystery fever with no other symptoms so she must be fighting something or just in need of a rest. We keep pretty busy and this weekend was non stop with Otto's party and a day at the fair. A day at home will do us all good. We have crayons to make and I'm thinking some soft pretzels will make us all happy! </div>
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I've been feeling pretty anxious lately (shocker right) about wanting to check things off my list. Most days its a miracle I can get a load of laundry in. The other day I actually cleaned the house which was a good combo of a workout too. I held Otto the entire time because the vacuum scared him (although he had no problem climbing it) So we dusted and scrubbed very much on the surface but enough to feel better. When we make our millions you can bet someone to clean my house will be on the list. </div>
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Trying to enjoy the quiet home days even if Olive has the sick.....</div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Olive did a photoshoot with my friend Tamar. I'll post the photos once they are published but it was super fun. Olive did amazing and totally shocked me. It only took a few packages of tummies but she nailed it. Plus she got to get her nails and makeup done so she was pretty pumped. </td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">nursing is brutal.</td></tr>
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<br />Jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12672564934635426253noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1555982110212051077.post-12579892081041296102014-07-09T09:53:00.002-07:002014-07-09T09:53:32.500-07:004thVacation is always good. The 4th was great and exhausting all at the same time. We rode bikes, the kids swam naked in a lake, we drank beer, Olive rode the zipline, we saw a bear, and there were fireworks.<br />
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<br />Jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12672564934635426253noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1555982110212051077.post-33357868532251362442014-07-08T20:41:00.001-07:002014-07-08T20:41:16.463-07:00party partyOtto's birthday party is this weekend and while I've kept it super simple and pretty easy I still have to go shopping for things. With two very active and mobile kids thats the tricky part. I'm trying to do a few things everyday so I don't have pissed off kids that I have to drag through stores. We haven't even left the house today and its after noon which is very rare for us. Just as I was trying to get out of here Otto decided he needed a nap. When he flips there is no turning back so Olive is having quiet time aka playing with the iPad and I'm trying to load photos so I can make Otto his one year book. I made Olive a one year photo book with the intention of doing it every year. Ya that didn't happen. I figure if I can at least do a one year for Otto that will be a good start. I shoot so many photos of the kids and I hate that they are just on the computer and no where else that they can actually hold them. Add it to my list to do that is now like a mile long.<br />
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That and Blake and I have been catching up on the last season of Downtown Abbey and once we start we get pretty hooked. Wild nights around here....<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Blake took this and I love it. His hands are covered in blue paint. Messy boy.</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Olvera Street. </td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Beach day. The moms and babes. </td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Lauren and Dave got married. </td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">California Adventures. </td></tr>
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Jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12672564934635426253noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1555982110212051077.post-61450254512333076152014-06-26T22:18:00.000-07:002014-06-26T22:18:37.780-07:00balanceI think its obvious when you have another kid it's "harder" but I think what I thought would be hard isn't and what I never thought about it actually the hardest. Does that even make sense? I have full mom period brain and coffee and food isn't doing anything to me. Does anyone eat and drink like a ravaging maniac while breastfeeding and having your period? I feel like Otto is nursing a lot these days which is totally fine and I think he's growing (finally) but holy shit I am starving all the time. I seriously feel like I can't keep up. Anyways back to my point. This morning was kinda tough. I'm pretty good at balance in some aspects of my life but lately it's been really hard. Olive is VERY demanding of my time. I mean I get it, first child and she has kinda gotten everything she wants. Now with Otto in the picture he needs me too. When he was a baby I could still play with her while just holding him. He was happy to sit with me and watch. Now he wants to play and thats great but Olive doesn't always get that I need to give him some of his own time. They really do play soooooo good together like its amazing but sometimes they both need space which I so get. BUT when Olive wants all of my attention which is usually when I'm trying to sit with Otto and read him a book or play something with him it's hard. This morning after I got Otto dressed we sat down in his room and read a few books. Olive stormed in and demanded we play in her room. When she saw I was reading to Otto she was awful, screaming and crying and trying to push him off my lap. When I ignored her she just got more annoying which makes me put the attention on her which is exactly what she wants. Otto gets distracted and thinks she is getting wild so he starts pulling her hair and wrestling. I know its weird. She tried to sit on my lap calmly but then she takes over the books. I know it's just about the balance but I'm struggling a bit with it. When Otto naps I try and do as much with her but I also have to run a house which means all the other stuff like laundry, dishes, etc. My house is a sticky mess so trust me when I say I choose my kids over cleaning. Tonight Otto had swim and since Olive isn't in lessons she isn't allowed in the pool. We've talked about this now for the last 2 weeks and I felt like she really got it. She told me over and over that she would be happy sitting there playing with my phone. When we got there the tears just started coming down and she was so so upset. She didn't get hysterical but was just plain sad. I got her cookies and gave her my phone but she just sat and cried. Of course I felt awful and luckily Otto's swim instructors daughter was there to sit with her and entertain her so she was totally fine but who the hell knows what will happen next week. The entire ride home she talked about it. I know its fair as Otto and I sit at her dance and soccer but she isn't getting that no matter how many times I explain it. So ya the balance things is a tricky mother fucker.<br />
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Summer has started off pretty good and busy. I'm feeling excited to be doing a million things and being outside everyday. Olive is at the perfect age for the beach. She plays with her friends the entire time and loves it. Otto just wanders, mostly straight to the water but has the best time. He loves the sand and for some reason has no fear of the waves. It's a bit busy but he's happy there so that is all that matters. Having two active kids is hard, I'm still figuring that out. Before Otto could walk errands were pretty easy but now its a wild ride. Things get done but its always quite the adventure. Everything is a process and I feel like once I get a grip on anything it changes. I feel like I've found a good balance lately. Once my foot healed I felt a bit more calm. Some days when I feel like I'm going to burst I think about how I did it on crutches and it kinda centers me. I've had a lot of hard days don't get me wrong, mostly just long days as Blake has been working insane hours. Somehow its always busy season at his work. I know he is working hard and I can't REALLY complain but its hard not having any relief. The last few weeks has been hard cooking dinner. Otto has been getting super tired around 5 and just wants to be held which I LOVE but makes for cooking dinner with one hand tricky. I've managed but its hard and makes the whole process like a million times longer. Then bath, then bed. It's a lot of work and I know a lot of people are in the same position as me but this is my blog so I get to complain. When I get frustrated I really try and remember this time when they are little is so short and in a few years I will have to beg them to sit and eat dinner.<br />
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In Otto news he is walking everywhere, eats like a 400 pound man, and LOVES hugs, like best hugger around. He has quite the little temper when he doesn't get his way but otherwise he is so so so sweet. He gives high fives all day long even if you don't ask. His favorite word is still Olive and dat which I think is that? When my phone makes any noise he immediately puts his hands to his ear and say hello. Its the cutest. I'm pretty sure he said snake today which is a new one. He proudly says "all done" after his meals and means it. He will have a dance party anywhere. I love this age as I feel like every day its something different but it is busy busy. He's still nursing and I have no intentions of weaning him. It's just so easy for both of us so I feel like we should just stick with it till I feel like it's time. He's been getting called she so much the last few days which I find so strange. Like I got it with Olive cause she was bald but Otto looks very much like a boy.<br />
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Olive is 3 going on 16. Nothing gets past this one. She is as smart as they come and just gets it. She is so curious and excited about everything. Sometimes I just watch her and wonder how she comes up with half the things she does. Lately I've really been watching her artistic side really really come out. She has always had it but lately I see a different side of it. She changes her outfit at least 5-6 times a day but each outfit has so much thought put into it. It's not at all random but totally intentional. She has all the attitude and sass! She just started a more competetive soccer team and she is really really doing well. She is VERY serious about it and about winning. She has so much fun and is actually quite good. She plays with boys too so I think it pushes her a bit. This would bother some kids but it really helps her. I really feel like she likes the competative nature of it. She's a good one.<br />
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I had big plans to write more as Blake and Olive are doing a late night Disney date but I can barely keep my eyes open. Uggg so so lame.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">5am wake up from Otto-on vacation. Boo.</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Kid owned the buffet. </td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Last day of school.</td></tr>
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<br />Jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12672564934635426253noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1555982110212051077.post-13356575748928239552014-06-18T14:12:00.002-07:002014-06-18T14:12:34.796-07:00snot I woke up to some pretty snotty kids so we decided to stay inside which means I'm still in my pjs. Some days I like being lazy. We've made cookies, ate lunch outside, and played in the backyard AND wiped a lot of boogers. Super uneventful but much needed. Otto is officially walking and not at all crawling so it's been pretty exciting around here aka BUSY! He is all over the place and climbs everything. Just like Olive he has zero fear and just charges everything. It's been fun but damn exhausting. He is so excited about everything and I love it. Making dinner without holding him is a little tricky. While he can be super independent it happens that when I am making dinner he screams at my ankles. I'm getting pretty good at one handed dinners. It will pass as I remember this phase with Olive but when you're in it, it seems crazy. We kinda lagged on his birthday and had way too much happening so we're not having a party for him till July which is much easier. <div>
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Olive is on summer break so we're just trying to get used to that schedule and figuring out all our summer plans and activities. I plan on a whole lotta beach days but I also like keeping her busy in things. She is really into soccer right now. She told me she wanted to take a break from the gym and do soccer so that is what we are doing. She plays on a little co-ed team and she is actually really good. It's also easy for me with Otto as he can just roam around on the field. Otto starts up swim again next week and I'm really excited for that. Not sure how Olive is going to like sitting on the side but we shall see. </div>
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My foot is better meaning its healing but not totally healed. I get to go to back to running and normal activities in 2 weeks so that's pretty exciting. I'm just happy to be walking on it. Every single day I feel soooooo happy I'm not on crutches. It still hurts and I limp but in time that will pass. </div>
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Being home means Otto naps and Olive gets movie time so its leaving me some me time which I really love. I should be doing the dishes and the massive laundry pile but another time. </div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Blake's dad took this photo when we were in Costa Rica. Best photo ever. </td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"monster"</td></tr>
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Jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12672564934635426253noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1555982110212051077.post-37425846678049803872014-06-13T13:51:00.000-07:002014-06-13T13:51:06.432-07:00Costa RicaOh vacation how I want to be back with you so bad right now? I can't believe our trip was a month ago. It was magical and relaxing and a little crazy. The most important part was we got to hang with our good friends, Blake and I got to actually have normal conversations, and we relaxed. My broken foot was stupid, thats the best way to describe it. I wanted to cry a few times cause I just wanted the freedom to walk and explore. Holding me back is just funny as its in my nature to just want to go go go. We enjoyed lots of pool and beach time, green drinks, and RELAXING! Take me back please.......<br />
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<br />Jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12672564934635426253noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1555982110212051077.post-40028611020089410352014-06-11T07:37:00.002-07:002014-06-11T07:37:37.283-07:00I'm here I'm here I'm here! Life has been busy and as usual the blog always suffers. First things first is I took my cast off today. It's super weird. My foot is pretty weak and I'm still limping. I imagine it's pretty normal but at least I'm walking! Otto is walking too. He started taking steps a few weeks ago but they were just here an there but now I would say he's 95% walking. He has it down but he knows he can get to places faster crawling so sometimes he goes for it. It's pretty adorable as he is so super little. He is into everything and climbs and crawls into every dangerous place possible. Let's just say I don't have very much down time with him. He is busy!!! But he is sure a happy little guy. He's sweet and thinks everything is funny. He has a crazy temper when he can't figure something out but otherwise he's all smiles. He's blabbing here and there with solid words of dog, cat, owive (olive), mom or mama, dada, alldone. There may be a few more he throws around but these are repeats for sure. He shakes his head yes and no for things. He has 4 teeth and 2 more of their way. He is still nursing 4 times a day and not quite sleeping through the night. He was for a hot minute but he decided night boob is way more fun. Today he was giving me a million kisses and it was the best ever. Tonight he tried to rip off his diaper which was super exciting. Uggg are we already there?<br />
I have a million posts and photos to catch up on and my goal is to catch up this week...maybe.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">At 4pm we all go mad. </td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I tried to teach her to climb the doorway. She didn't quite get it yet. I remember doing this all the time as a kid. I'm not sure if I was actually allowed but I remember it being super fun. </td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Her drawing skills are getting so good. </td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">107 ounces for Costa Rica. Moo! </td></tr>
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Jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12672564934635426253noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1555982110212051077.post-84995635711316648032014-05-06T22:59:00.001-07:002014-05-07T08:55:45.757-07:00mean momSome days I feel like an awful mom and I have this tremendous guilt of how shitty I was to my kids. Today was one of those days. It was just hard and I definitely lost my temper over and over. I woke up with a cold which just sucks. I felt crappy and tired as Otto has been sleeping pretty shitty. There was nothing really specific just that everything was difficult, everything. I got so angry and yelled over and over at the kids which doesn't help anything. I tripped over every stupid toy and it was like every little thing I did had to be hard. Just one of those days where I wish I had a little help or just some relief at the end of the day to help with dinner of baths or something. When my foot is better and I can get around I know it will be easier but now every day just seems crazy. I hate yelling and getting mad but some days I just can't hold it together. I've had good days here and there and while every single one has been hard some days just feel crazy. This cold is stupid and besides feeling like shit it's making me a snotty mess. Olive has it too so she isn't in the best of mood either.<div>I wake up every morning and try not to feel sorry for myself but I just feel like every day it gets harder and my guilt is heavier and heavier. I keep wondering when I'm going to snap and yesterday I thought it could have been the day. I'm so scared that I will just lose control of everything. I've been in a pretty dark place and while I'm able to pull myself out now and again some days not so much. In the end it's been just me and the kids and it's been too much for me to handle. I can admit that now. I can't do this. While I've tried to find my strength in all this and be creative and resourceful I'm one person. Maybe the point of all this was to discover that?? Maybe to realize I need help and I can't do everything alone? I have no idea my emotions are all over the place and I'm super sick. Nothing makes sense. I don't like the mom I've been lately and I can't figure out how to find a happy place. Life can be a real shit head. </div><div><br></div>Jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12672564934635426253noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1555982110212051077.post-57382060454809967372014-05-04T18:59:00.001-07:002014-05-05T18:48:20.637-07:00PenisLess than 24 hours in Palm Springs is kinda starting to become my thing. I headed out on Saturday for a friends bachelorette party. I was hesitant to go as Otto was sick but once friday came he seemed pretty good. Also I wanted to test the whole splitting breastmilk with cows milk before Costa Rica. He did totally great with the milk so that's one less thing I can worry about. He also slept through the night and took like 2 hour naps. I swear they know when mom is gone. <div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"><br></span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">The weekend was really fun and I am super glad I went. It was really really hard with my foot. Obviously everyone was extremely helpful and ridiculously sweet about it but I hate hate asking for help. It makes me feel silly. Sitting by the pool all day was so nice but it's little things like getting up to pump which is like the smallest thing ever that's a huge deal. Carrying my bag of milk to the freezer then coming back to clean my parts. All like the easiest things with two legs but add crutches and it's a hassle. I did it cause that's what I do. I make that shit work. Trying to get around in crowded bars was just comical. I charged so that's all that matters. I got a few hours of sleep so I'm feeling crazy now and as much as I missed the kids I could not wait till bed time. Olive and Blake did a Disneyland day so I was in my own the whole afternoon. It was a long day of being tired and just like school days it's always hard getting Otto around. Dinner and baths were quite the process without olives help but we did it. </span></div><div><div>I realized I need to stop hopping while I hold him. Sometimes when he is tired he won't follow me to his room so he sits and cries. I mean hello mom guilt. So I'll usually grab him and hop down the hallway. Today I was overcome by this holy shit I'm totally going to break my ankle. I just put so much pressure on it all day and oh my gosh can you imagine. So trying to hop less...</div><div><br></div><div>On the penis themed things..</div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_aLcNCRUiAJQS3g4dCapqQsllJEWJEKrhkt67lq1sM6J5epTINeHBk0E-OHczIoja8ycc9pWC9XqJ4xW-pWEs_y4TlVurgPfDMTiju_D64fFFuuZ104vc2vPwaRcQTxo5bP456SDY-W4/s640/blogger-image-1162053592.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_aLcNCRUiAJQS3g4dCapqQsllJEWJEKrhkt67lq1sM6J5epTINeHBk0E-OHczIoja8ycc9pWC9XqJ4xW-pWEs_y4TlVurgPfDMTiju_D64fFFuuZ104vc2vPwaRcQTxo5bP456SDY-W4/s640/blogger-image-1162053592.jpg"></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVgWEuh7MZUhPALlryxFyasNaWNRUHHux6YuJ7l-D53ST1QeU1bm7Z2fbb-Smy0jHoSbRiVGhR8jMxKhU6K489lFPDt9iCHRNsajRHoW_hXY_59icmQtr4uT5AcsbyTaPrDMT3_pj221M/s640/blogger-image--1309244500.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVgWEuh7MZUhPALlryxFyasNaWNRUHHux6YuJ7l-D53ST1QeU1bm7Z2fbb-Smy0jHoSbRiVGhR8jMxKhU6K489lFPDt9iCHRNsajRHoW_hXY_59icmQtr4uT5AcsbyTaPrDMT3_pj221M/s640/blogger-image--1309244500.jpg"></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJSfTzg04o_x8qsPapdZYnh3XxUeOwIH8imsCt3EeVnzAgOoOzdG_toQbk7WPzpKqhuqfhQAnLXzFJfkxBvutuoSS2iyAgkRw2b6oFuhUqM32cAQUicHl5LQ2Jq4LaILW4915FB7y-0Ps/s640/blogger-image--1689391726.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJSfTzg04o_x8qsPapdZYnh3XxUeOwIH8imsCt3EeVnzAgOoOzdG_toQbk7WPzpKqhuqfhQAnLXzFJfkxBvutuoSS2iyAgkRw2b6oFuhUqM32cAQUicHl5LQ2Jq4LaILW4915FB7y-0Ps/s640/blogger-image--1689391726.jpg"></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhTjtxmHyGHUVSA2hWkJcrjQ0RAmFb1htZ5I23BI7ypJ-fpecbv27YCEufewVuqzjIHXql2oRzaLmpm9Jw2XAzZPCVArvvTlsgvHsO4G0aevOBiQPVqJk_jGh44Lt6RDbCunEzVNOxZP-o/s640/blogger-image-945270755.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhTjtxmHyGHUVSA2hWkJcrjQ0RAmFb1htZ5I23BI7ypJ-fpecbv27YCEufewVuqzjIHXql2oRzaLmpm9Jw2XAzZPCVArvvTlsgvHsO4G0aevOBiQPVqJk_jGh44Lt6RDbCunEzVNOxZP-o/s640/blogger-image-945270755.jpg"></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPvEGdZG9YJws5_XK9PuW1yfPVWfVmTUwJd0qDyh3LHgqMkevy8FfSgtxLwuqA8RVjrtEin0L-eeeC7V77GWuW49UwWr_mdxOh_uZ96kBNEyPKCoDA8M0aVrTyRiBTRWLWrbety81i3Rs/s640/blogger-image-22062759.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPvEGdZG9YJws5_XK9PuW1yfPVWfVmTUwJd0qDyh3LHgqMkevy8FfSgtxLwuqA8RVjrtEin0L-eeeC7V77GWuW49UwWr_mdxOh_uZ96kBNEyPKCoDA8M0aVrTyRiBTRWLWrbety81i3Rs/s640/blogger-image-22062759.jpg"></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIeM40hHdNCet2iNbK5Vc-iT-JfTRJd02bVe5TWIgKmGPg9w7aMwxEAsD6l2S0L3MzCG_wwHEsadykeoriAyDuN-NzmnpbBMDgmoG62M_agsqFNWZupV5LX_nHD09Wl4RLQlw8HiPgQZc/s640/blogger-image-170758876.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIeM40hHdNCet2iNbK5Vc-iT-JfTRJd02bVe5TWIgKmGPg9w7aMwxEAsD6l2S0L3MzCG_wwHEsadykeoriAyDuN-NzmnpbBMDgmoG62M_agsqFNWZupV5LX_nHD09Wl4RLQlw8HiPgQZc/s640/blogger-image-170758876.jpg"></a></div><br></div></div>Jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12672564934635426253noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1555982110212051077.post-67152129542372677322014-05-01T13:02:00.001-07:002014-05-01T18:59:06.846-07:00Cough<div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div>I just hobbled through my house and realized it's possible my living conditions are unsafe.Gross!!! I mean my house is dirty and not like a few dishes in the sink like filthy dirty. Sticky and straight up nasty. It smells too. Obviously I can't keep up and Blake has been working all day only to come home and work till super late at night. Trying to take deep breathes and ignore the filth since I physically can't do a damn thing. <div>Poor Otto came down with croup. Yesterday was rough for him as he was fighting a fever all day. Last night was long and he was in and out of our bed. I feel awful for him. He sounds all raspy and now the snot is a flowing. I can't remember the last time I slept and today I'm feeling it. I'm grumpy and so so tired. I'm having insane mom guilt over Olive missing dance tonight as there is no way I can bring Otto there sick. I so wish I had two of me. I want my leg back so bad. I have an xray on Monday and I'm so anxious to see the progress. I have some weird bone sticking up in the middle of my foot that is causing me some major pain. No idea what it is but I'm a little concerned. I've accepted the fact that Costa Rica is going to be tricky but at least I will only have to take care of myself. I was also supposed to go to palm springs this weekend but with the kids being sick I feel awful leaving them but I also think I need a day away. It's been weeks of being home and maybe a day away would feel good. I'm trying so hard to keep my head up. I got into a full panic last night and again all my brothers words pulled me out of it. I started playing the victim and becoming insanely negative. I don't want to be like that. This is all temporary and I need to focus on getting better not feeling sorry for myself. </div><div><br></div><div>On to other things. Otto almost took a step on Tuesday. It was so close. I was sitting with my friend and he stood up and lifted his foot and we both saw it and then he hesitated and sat down. He is so close. I'm just hoping he will do it before we leave for Costa Rica but I'm guessing he may save this milestone for grandma. He's having a hell of a time running yes running with the walker and shopping cart so maybe he's cool with that. He's decided that everything is a cat. I mostly like when he looks right at Sierra and says cat. I don't actually know if he knows what a cat is but he repeats it over and over. His two top teeth are in and he looks adorable. Totally changes the way he looks. He loves his sister so so much and they are really having fun with eachother. She wakes up every morning and asks to play with him. She tortures him a lot of the time but he doesnt seem to mind as long as she is giving him attention. </div><div>Olive has been a champ. She has her moments but she has been such a big help. She does everything for me. Sometimes she acts like a 12 year old and it's so hard for me to remember she is only 3 because she is so damn smart. When my foot is better she is getting some seriously one on one attention. She deserves it! </div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg7Sx1CdSQncUIhxpb56lgjbqqFOZZJ8cS-4JR_84mGwx-KkWw5B_vT5RtSyBayz6094mYCjhBsUupdv-HL18yKsZYOfSKGeuaBbN34NYLC4mYDIblNFYEEje0uwSuSZo_Zjuvb4CHJsvw/s640/blogger-image--396006385.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg7Sx1CdSQncUIhxpb56lgjbqqFOZZJ8cS-4JR_84mGwx-KkWw5B_vT5RtSyBayz6094mYCjhBsUupdv-HL18yKsZYOfSKGeuaBbN34NYLC4mYDIblNFYEEje0uwSuSZo_Zjuvb4CHJsvw/s640/blogger-image--396006385.jpg"></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8jOQhnBI6u0lBSfAhb3v9j8XfD1p90-qIxUaCZmMgokI1ZmmSwGUS21bFeIzB1lB71SM61DNy1gp7xQY320rQh9meEtUNYReP0cRGtdgGGJbSYzIIBjA8aN0e36VPN3zAaGXW37LTITI/s640/blogger-image-1771195210.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8jOQhnBI6u0lBSfAhb3v9j8XfD1p90-qIxUaCZmMgokI1ZmmSwGUS21bFeIzB1lB71SM61DNy1gp7xQY320rQh9meEtUNYReP0cRGtdgGGJbSYzIIBjA8aN0e36VPN3zAaGXW37LTITI/s640/blogger-image-1771195210.jpg"></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSFWAAAOU3Iatz7dpw8nm5LIVgxVrZwEUCQ_ZokrL6gabbQS_nkohyUrL5fafDf0NFapesNibtbX3RQ1uRSS-RfABovF6I7Lb1BxshX6itUfoanAJswp0YpxaKtT9pytxu4-7emkoh6kk/s640/blogger-image--1435938711.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; 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