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I'm back. Who knows for how long. This morning I woke up and I was thinking about this blog and what an amazing little space its been throughout the last 6 years. I get excited and nervous that I will have some place to look back at and see how I've grown or maybe how I've changed or maybe not changed at all. Whatever it is, it's here. It's a new year which I guess seems fitting to come back here. This year instead of resolutions we made intentions. In a sense its the same idea but I guess a little less pressure. A kinder to yourself approach to making changes. I had a really hard time coming up with something. I think because my mind was just buzzing with so much holiday hangover. The one thing I haven't been the last few weeks is grounded to any thoughts. It's temporary. Olive has been out of school, our routines have been off, we've been traveling, so ya it's been a lot. Anyways the one I came up with, yes the only one so far is to be fearless. Vague as hell I know but over the past year I feel like the one thing that has held me back is fear. It could be a totally simple thing or like a major life change but I realized that fear and I really have a hard time. I may not conquer it this year but that's why it's an intention.

Soooooooo on that note I start my training to become a yoga teacher in 2 weeks. Yep me with all my phobias about public speaking getting up in front of a class and talking. But on the flip side I am so so so so so excited. I feel like yoga and meditation has made such a big change in my life that I want to understand more. I want to see where it can take me. I love shit that doesn't have an end. Like with yoga I can get ok, maybe even amazing but physically there is like this crazy journey it can take you on. You can always improve on it. Also mentally and spiritually, I feel like the more I understand myself and find peace and quiet in my mind the more I can understand about literally every aspect of my life. I want people to feel that. I also need to be creative, It's the one thing I miss about not being a real photographer anymore. I feel like this will help with that. I've pushed that need to the side for so long and I think it's time to chase it, just down a slightly different path. I have no idea where this will lead me but I'm doing it! I think I kept waiting for something to happen or for something to change and it didn't. It can't, thats not realistic. I had to figure something out. Logistically this is insane, I mean financially it's crazy for us and adding babysitters on top of that is nuts. BUT I feel like it's also an excuse. If I sat here and didn't make some sort of effort towards my happiness then isn't that worse? So I'm gonna yoga my little heart out and take it all in. And fingers crossed I don't puke cause I'm so nervous speaking in front of a class.

Cheers to 2016!!!

Friend shit

Otto is asleep on my lap. He's currently very anti nap in his bed and very happy with laps on mamas lap. I'm not mad. It's cozy and a little sweaty. 

Obviously I've been MIA on this blog. I would come on and not know what to write or when I started writing it didn't feel good. I feel like my Instagram has been this journal of my daily life and for the time being that felt right. It wasn't all the bad stuff but the cute moments and I'm ok with that. 

I've had a sorta strange month. Strange in a good way. This last year has been this crazy journey or finding some sort of balance with my life in parenting and most important a happiness in myself. I think things would happen in my life and I would just let them but now I'm feeling and seeing more. It feels fantastic and scary and amazing.

A few weeks ago a family friends grandfather died. I was close to him as a kid as we vacationed together but as life went on I barely saw him. He was one of those people that took life by the balls and truly enjoyed what he did and who he was. I will always remember him being the funniest man. He had so many hysterical sayings that a lot of people spoke about at the memorial. As a kid they didn't mean much to me but as an adult it was like holy shit this guy just totally nailed life. I was talking to his son and he mentioned something he had said about surrounding yourself with good people that make you happy. It was more involved but that was the jist of it. It wasn't some deep poetic quote by any means. It was honest and so true for the timing. It sat with me for days and I think it's changed something in me. 

I think as we get older there are people in our lives that we think we need because they've been there for so long not because they make us feel better or make us better people. I've held on to a few of these people and I have no idea why. They drain me and they sure as shit don't get who I am or support who I want to be. It's complicated to just end a friendship but now I think I feel this peace in knowing the people that I do want in my life. I think I'm putting more effort into those friendships. The ones that make me feel totally happy after a phone call or a hang. I've decided if I don't feel good after taking to someone it's not worth my time. I don't have a lot of time in the day so I for sure want to spend it with the ones that make me happy. This all sounds so simple but it's not. Life is filled with bullshit and we all get caught up in it. No one deserves to be drained only lifted up. Even lately there have been some friendships that have come into my life that are so exciting and different. You're kinda never too old to make friends and sometimes people come in at different times for different reasons. I totally believe that. I'm learning to trust myself more and I kinda love that. 

Surround yourself with good people not shit heads that make you feel crappy! 

chchchchanges

Sometimes there is a need for change in life, in who we are and what we do. Just anywhere. I feel it a lot lately. I don't always get the reasons or how to make these changes but my mood is off. Maybe it's the changing of the seasons, the lack of sleep, or just the general stress of life but life feels funny. There is something in the air. So lets hope I find it soon. 

Life has been busy but not too crazy. I feel less chaotic and we aren't buzzing around like we normally do. We keep busy but we've been spending a lot more time doing simple things. Olive has been obsessed with riding her bike. She wakes up in the morning and immediatly asks to go ride her bike. It's kinda amazing and she is getting really good. Total nutcase daredevil, jumping off curbs and taking her feet off the pedals. Hmmm wonder where she gets that from. Otto keeps up on his scooter bombing the driveways. We've been hanging with the neighbors more and its been nice. It feels like a little community and I love it. I wasn't so sure how I would do in suburbia but I like it. 

film film film

I think this is the last of my film. I hope it inspires me to shoot more or at least think about it cause this shit is expensive to process. I guess I forgot about that part. But it was fun and it made me realize that I do love shooting, just when its on my own terms. 

green and brown

More photos from my film camera. We were actually in this location yesterday and it looks nothing like it anymore. Everything is brown and dead. This drought is serious business. I've been trying to take Otto on adventures when Olive is in school. Sometimes I feel like all I do is bring him along on all my chores and I feel kinda bad so I'm making more of a effort to plan days for us. The days have been long. Otto is still up at 5 give or take the days he will fall asleep on me till 6. And he won't nap at home. He has no problem in the car or stroller but refuses at home. I keep telling myself its just a phase but I think that's a lie. 

We survived spring break and actually it was kinda nice. I don't mind when Olive isn't in school. We always keep busy so that's not really a problem. Things are just a lot more crowded and annoying during spring break which is the shitty part. I hate crowds, I'm totally spoiled from being able to do things all week with places fairly empty. I'm hoping during summer we can come up with a good list of things to do to avoid crowds. 

 Yesterday.........

mom pic

Sleep has been very minimal in this house and while the lack of it doesn't really bother my most of the time it finally caught up. I actually feel sick to my stomach and my face aches and my eyes burn. The transition to toddler bed has been a little rough. We've finally gotten to a good ish place where he goes to sleep and for the most part stays in there all night. But he is up early, like 4:45-5 am early. I bring him into bed hoping he will go back to sleep. He has once or twice but the other times he just lays on top of me, plays with my hair and acts restless. I play this game for about 45 min then give him the iPad which lasts a few min. Blake has been amazing and takes him out of the room around 6 so I can get one more hour of sleep in. It's just been a lot. It's been weeks of this and it finally just caught up. I know it won't be like this forever, I'm not mad just tired as hell. That and he's on nap strike this week. If he doesn't want the nap I'll sure as hell take it!

I dream of being in a hotel room with Blake with a open door to the ocean breeze laying in bed ALLLLLLLL damn day. I want to order room service for a 3 meals and I want to do nothing for 24 hours. Is that too much to ask??

I was without a phone a few weekends ago so I actually shot some film when we hiked out in Joshua tree. It felt pretty good to be away from my phone and just have my camera. I felt creative for the first time in awhile. I got a few good photos back. Blake shot a few of me and the kids and I really like them. Mom bio pic. I have a few more rolls that I need to post from but I'll get to them eventually.

My Target Fairy Godmother

When people see you with kids they like to throw advice at you or give you suggestions on raising these tiny humans that belong to you. I always found that kinda strange. I mean you wouldn't walk up to someone who was overweight and eating ice cream and suggest they try a salad. It seems along the same lines of something so personal. I feel like now with two kids I'm used to the random advice and words of wisdom while brushing past old ladies in the grocery store or out and about. I am always polite and I listen. I mostly find it funny. Otto and I ran into the cutest old man at the zoo last week. Otto was trying to see a spider and the man picked him up and started showing him all the critters. I swear it wasn't creepy. I was right there and he was beyond sweet. The grandpa just oozed off him. Otto just loved him. When he put him down Otto was on the next thing so he walked with us for a little bit. Turns out his son was the director of the zoo so I imagine he just hangs out there all day and tells people about the animals. He raised 4 boys and shared some funny stuff. Otto kept reaching for him. Kids just get it sometimes. Mom life, hanging out with old dudes at the zoo.

The other day in target this lady appeared out of nowhere. She wasn't old but clearly had grown kids. Otto was playing on my phone cause Target with two kids is hell, brutal HELL and I will do anything to keep him busy. She made a comment about how amazing kids are with phones. I'm always cringe when someone mentions the phone cause people (especially those without kids or those that have way older kids) get way judgy. We got into a quick conversation about how hard being a mom is. She was joking about all the different moms you meet when you first have kids and how you are always wondering if you are doing it all right. Basically how I felt with Olive. Just how we compare and always freak out if our kid isn't doing what the other kids are doing. I get that. With Olive I was always worried. Am I stimulating her enough? Can she count high enough? Did she eat enough veggies? And with Otto I'm like he is alive today. High five for me! She started talking about elementary school and how you start meeting these other moms that are just so different. And how they think their kids should be peaking in like 5th grade. She said that was so crazy for her and how she just didn't get how people didn't let their kids be kids. I don't know why it struck me so much. It wasn't any profound advice or words of wisdom but it was like this next step in parenting, the school years that happen to be quickly approaching. They just need to be kids. I mean I get all that of course but sometimes there are these weird gentle reminders of things, even from strangers. Olive is growing up fast. It's her world, it's everything that she is exposed to and I can't slow it down but I can make sure she gets some good doses of "kid" things and embraces whatever she can and wants to. Bottomline let them be kids.

Photos from the month in random order.