5am blues

My right arm has been asleep for the last 5 hours. This has been happening the last week or so. It usually comes back to life in the later part of the morning. Somehow I must be sleeping on it funny. I can't quite figure out how to get comfortable anymore but I think its all part of the last few weeks of pregnancy. I feel like I'm getting sleep cause I don't wake up super tired so I guess I should just go with it although a sleepy arm is really annoying.
I was up again at 5am just hanging out in bed. Got really sad again for NY. I don't know why it will just hit me at random times but it does. I have to talk myself down so I don't get too upset. Just sucks cause it kinda set my tone for the morning. It's gloomy out so I feel gloomy inside. I've said it before but its just a funny time with everything changing. I've been back in California for a few months now and I've barely seen any of my friends. Since they are spread out its been a lot harder than I thought. I don't exactly have the energy to be driving to San Diego and LA all the time and if I did I can only do so much cause I get tired. I just miss my old life. I know looking back and feeling sorry for myself is silly but I think I just need to get all these sad feelings out of me so I can move on. Might just take some time and I know I will find my place here, just hoping its soon. I try to tell myself that if we were there now it wouldn't be the same, none of our friends have kids and I'd feel out of place but I dunno. I had so many good people around me there, I was so happy and felt so loved. I miss that so much. I miss all the yummy food and coffee. I miss getting ice cream at Sweet Melissa's. I miss going to the park and making fun of hipsters. I even miss walking my 5 blocks to work just cause I got to walk through the flower district. I miss the flea on the weekends. I miss riding my bike. I miss happy hour. Seriously so much. My mom said something to me the other day. Something to the point where she thought we would move back. As much as I want to be there right now I don't think we ever will. That time has passed and things would never be the same.
Eventually when I am done being sad I will focus on my life here and try to find a way for it to work for me. I won't be sad forever and I will find my place and friends here but for now I'm just not ready to put out effort. My sad rant is over with and its time to face the day.

goodies

My mom just left after being here for the last 4 days. It was so nice having her around to help with everything. We got so much done. She is really really organized so its very helpful especially since I've been so unmotivated. The babies room is pretty much done besides hanging the art work (but everything is framed) and a few loads of laundry. Need to get the bathroom together but Blake still has all his black and white film processing chemicals everywhere so I will have to wait on that. The living room pile of rockers and bouncers is slowly being built. Blake and I are going to have quite the exciting weekend of building and hanging wall art. Oh the fun!

I still can't get over all the amazing gifts I've gotten from people. One of the best gifts (and so practical) were closet dividers. I can't find the link online but I believe they were from Nordstroms but they seem to sell them at many place. I was using hangers from babies r us (that came with outfits) and they looked pretty ugly but these are so cute and they come with a bunch of different stickers so you can change them really easily.



This was one of the favorite rockers we got by Mamas and Papas
http://us.mamasandpapas.com/en-US
Its a UK based company that makes some pretty hip baby gear. Sierra tested it out for baby last night.



One last photo of me torturing Sierra with baby stuff. Not sure how I feel about this sleep sack vest thing but I'm gonna give it a try.

lesson learned

I've been so good about drinking water during my pregnancy like to the point where I would pee every 5 min but I figured the more the better. My doula would tell us stories of moms calling her and thinking they are going into their birthing time because they were having terrible cramps but she would always tell them to drink a ton of water then call her back. Most of the time it was just the amniotic fluid getting low making cramps. Well this happened to me the other day and I seriously thought I was going to have this baby. Problem is were having a heat wave in California and its like 100 out, its so gross. So at lunch I drank a shit ton of root beer for some reason. I never do that but it was from the fountain and so good. So I peed like crazy so I never even thought about being dehydrated. Then during hypnobabies class I started getting the worst cramps ever. I had about 12 in row and they lasted about 30 sec each time. I was sweating the entire class while everyone was chilly from the a/c. I didn't say anything but kinda connected that maybe I might be dehydrated. I pounded so much water then came home and drank and drank till I felt like I was going to puke (while laying on the floor feeling like I was dying) Then all of a sudden the cramps were gone and I was totally fine like nothing ever happened. Stupid long story but I seriously realized how important water is. I will never do that again.

and i'm done

People always say there is that point in pregnancy where you just hit the wall and are done being pregnant. I felt like the last few weeks I was getting there but I was still feeling ok. Well until yesterday when I hit the point of no return where I am officially done, don't want to be pregnant anymore. I woke up yesterday feeling pretty shitty and not rested at all. Blake wanted to go down to the beach which was fine with me but everything was irritating me, EVERYTHING! I was picking fights with Blake about everything and anything. I don't even know why but I was just annoyed. My body was just completely uncomfortable and I was crampy and tired and emotional. So many things at once that its hard to put on a happy smile. So I feel like yesterday I just about lost it. Being at the beach was nice, but I just didn't feel like myself and I hate more than anything being crabby around Blake's family but in all honesty there was nothing I could do I just didn't feel good.

Yesterday was a really rough night too. Sleeping is now impossible although I'm having dreams so I must be getting some sleep in there? I can't seem to find a comfortable position to lay so no matter what my body parts just fall asleep and I wake up feeling like I ran a marathon, just sore and stiff. And peeing that's another thing. I think I got up every 20 min for the first few hours then it finally got better. Too much water before bed is a bad idea. I spent from about 3am to 5am writing emails to my mom and listening to my neighbors fight. The funny part is my mom writes back, I guess that is where I get my lovely sleeping schedule. So my neighbors are a total mess. This is the second time I've heard them yell at each other. They sound young but I was too lazy to look out the window. Its mostly the girl crying and telling him to leave in a very creative way. Then he calls her a bitch over and over. Then they yell about stupid shit for awhile and it always ends with him standing outside spitting and slamming his car door. Its kinda like my own Telenovela. I've thought about calling the police but as long as its just yelling its really not a big deal and its way more entertaining then checking my facebook at 4am. It kinda takes me back to living in a city. When we lived in Brooklyn we lived across the street from a bar so every weekend you were guaranteed something entertaining, usually some dumb girl crying in the street about a guy or people in really deep drunk conversations about art or politics (those were always my favorite)

Blake has some weird cold and throat sick so I'm really hoping that I don't get it. I've told myself I won't so I'm hoping I can trick my mind! After my shoot tomorrow I am going to take it easy and just be pretty mellow. My mom is coming down next week to help me get organized and put all my shower stuff away so that will be really helpful. I really have no energy to do it alone. The whole nesting thing is bullshit, who the hell has the energy to nest?

After all that bitching I'll end on a happy note. I made a birthday cake for my brother in laws fiance the other night. Baking makes me happy and calms me for some reason. I have a feeling there could be a lot of treats being made in the next few weeks.

stupid blood sugar

Some days I forget I'm pregnant and just want to go go go. The last two days I've been feeling really funny. At about 11:30am I get this sudden rush of a hot flash then feel cool. Then I start to shake and feel like I'm going to pass out. I've never actually passed out in my life but I imagine that is the feeling. Its almost like I drank a shit ton of coffee on an empty stomach. Yesterday it freaked me out and I immediately turned the a/c on in my house thinking I was just hot. When it didn't go away I realized ok maybe I was hungry so I ate a huge bowl of cottage cheese and strawberries and pb filled pretzels. After about 20 min I was feeling back to normal but it really scared me. I can usually tell when I'm getting hungry but nothing like this has ever come on this fast. I already got checked for diabetes and I was fine. Maybe the baby just needs more food? I'm not quite sure but tomorrow I'm going to make sure and eat again after breakfast even if I'm not feeling hungry. I try my best to eat little small meals here and there but some days that just doesn't happen. Today the same thing happened and its been hours now and I still feel weird. Although I should sit down and relax I decided to make pasta salad and a cake for a dinner party we are going to tonight. Maybe not the best idea. When my cake is done its nap time for a few hours. I guess baby wants more food and for me to nap more often. Booooooo

Vit K and eye drops

Are the vitamin K shot and eyes drops really necessary for newborns? I didn't know anything about them till my midwife told me about them yesterday. I guess they are state law but it sounded like there was an option? I dunno I like to do my research and at least have some sort of knowledge. The eyedrops seems kinda pointless to me cause its to prevent chlamydia and gonorrhea. Since I don't have those I don't really see the point. Unless Blake is sleeping around with a bunch of bitches but I'm gonna go with a no on this one. I understand the Vit K shot cause it can prevent bleeding in the brain but I guess its very rare. The problem I have is they say it increases the risk of leukemia. That kinda scares me. I dunno I could go back and forth over all of these things and drive myself nuts. The internet is great to research but its hard to know what to trust or believe. What to do what to do......

Dreams

Pregnancy dreams are just weird. For the past few months I've been having the same dream over and over. Not the actual dream but the same idea. I keep forgetting to feed the baby in my dream. Like I'll show up somewhere and someone will tell me I need to feed the baby and I can't find her or getting to her is impossible. Why can't I have sweet dreams where I'm holding my baby and things are great? What does this mean?