Well almost, technically thursday is 39 weeks but its close enough. Last night I felt different,I can't explain how or why but I just did. I've had a pretty constant cramping since last night. Its not painful at all just an uncomfortable constant cramp. I hope that means something is happening in there. Still not sleeping but I have a surprising amount of energy. I walked outside this am and it felt like fall and I immediately got happy. Summer has been really mild here but I am ready for some cool weather. My mom is coming down again to join me for my midwife appt which will be nice. Then I think we are going to bake cause that is what I've been doing every day. Its totally been my form of nesting. My mood has been a billion times better. I swear venting helped. I got the nicest phone calls and emails from friends yesterday. A few read the blog so I think they were making sure I wasn't gonna go off the deep end but then there are those other friends that just sense things. I dunno I can't explain it. Everyone has those friends that just call at the perfect moment. Yesterday my friends came through on that one. Wow I miss everyone!
Ok think birthing thoughts for me, I'm soooo ready!
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
poop and cookies
I keep thinking I am going to wake up to my water breaking, I have no idea why but I keep having this vision of it happening. But then again the reality is my water probably won't break on its own since my moms didn't and according to my doula you birth like your mom. I actually kinda want it to break, I think it would be interesting to see what it feels like.
Last night was a pretty shitty nights sleep. I know I did sleep cause I had some weird ass dreams about changing a babies diaper. This time the baby was actually a girl (every time I dream of a baby its a boy) and she was really tall and my mom told me I had to change her diaper but I had never done it before so I was so confused cause she kept moving around and there was massive amounts of poop. I dunno it was gross but I think it just goes along with my fear that I've actually never changed a diaper. All of my dreams that involve a baby have included changing a diaper as the main goal of the dream. What is wrong with me? Maybe its cause I always have to pee at night? So ya sleeping last night sucked. Usually I can at least fall asleep but I couldn't even do that. I listened to two of my hypnobabies tracks and those didn't even relax me which is very strange cause I can usually pop one of those on and I will be out. Maybe it was the 15 cookies I ate before bed?? I was in my baking mode yesterday and I'm sure it will continue today.
Last night was a pretty shitty nights sleep. I know I did sleep cause I had some weird ass dreams about changing a babies diaper. This time the baby was actually a girl (every time I dream of a baby its a boy) and she was really tall and my mom told me I had to change her diaper but I had never done it before so I was so confused cause she kept moving around and there was massive amounts of poop. I dunno it was gross but I think it just goes along with my fear that I've actually never changed a diaper. All of my dreams that involve a baby have included changing a diaper as the main goal of the dream. What is wrong with me? Maybe its cause I always have to pee at night? So ya sleeping last night sucked. Usually I can at least fall asleep but I couldn't even do that. I listened to two of my hypnobabies tracks and those didn't even relax me which is very strange cause I can usually pop one of those on and I will be out. Maybe it was the 15 cookies I ate before bed?? I was in my baking mode yesterday and I'm sure it will continue today.
Monday, September 20, 2010
monday
I'm happy its monday, normally I hate mondays cause its the start of the week but I'm taking this monday to start fresh. Last week was a weird week in so many ways. First off I felt like total shit, I was emotionally a mess, I kept fighting with Blake, were infested with spiders, and a billion other things mostly emotional depression type shit. I'm not a depressed person (although anyone following my blog might think otherwise) I'm actually the one person I think my friends would always say is happy, upbeat, and pretty much always looking on the positive bright side of things. I hate that I find myself the complete opposite of that these days. I know I know hormones, life changes, bla bla bla but seriously how can I get over this? My biggest fear is the dreaded PPD. I never really understood what PPD was till I read about it and realized that I could totally fall into this considering how things are in my head and how depressed and upset and crazy my life has been in the last few months. I guess it kinda scared me but it also made me aware so this is why I need to snap out of it now. There are things in my life I can change and others that I just need to accept and deal with. I've always been able to understand and handle those two things but for some reason I can't now.
One thing I can't get out of my head are my bills. I am freaking out about my credit card bills. I am $20,000 in debt. Talk about being fucked! I have always been able to deal with my debt and pay my bills on time, but without shooting its nearly impossible! It is what it is but the problem is I got my last paycheck the other day and that will cover me for one more month. After that nothing unless my stock photo company makes a massive sale (which trust me I am hoping for). If I was working it would be ok but since I will not be working for at least 2 months there is no way a magical check will come in. So in this case its like how do I manage this stress? How can I deal with something that I can't control? The credit card companies don't give a shit and Blake has enough bills to worry about. I can't just leave them and not pay them. Blake has a lot of student loans and because of this his credit is bad, so I have to keep mine good. I think everyone in the world deals with debt so I know I'm not alone but I guess I just haven't figured out how I am going to handle this and not freak out.
Ok now these spiders. Seriously never in my life have I seen so many critters in one house. You could throw me in a random spot in my house and give me a few seconds and I promise I could find you a spider or two. Yesterday was kinda the breaking point. I was getting dressed and noticed a massive (I swear it was huge) spider on my sweater so I screamed for Blake who took the sweater outside. Ok kinda gross but the real pisser was it made a home in the sweater, like a full on elaborate spider web. It was beyond gross. Its one thing to see them in the corners but in my clothes is where I draw the line. Then last night as we were watching tv one just cruised across the carpet. This is a normal thing. They aren't little tiny things, they are good sized creepy crawlers. I kill a good share each day, some are little and don't bother me at all but some are really gross and juicy and make me wanna vomit. This is all in the house by the way. The backyard is a whole other story. National Geographic should spend a day here. So I want to exterminate and Blake thinks I'm nuts. I've done the research and there are "green" exterminators and also things you can buy online that are dog and baby friendly. I have no idea if they work or not but I'd be willing to try. I got rid of ants without using toxic stuff. Ok I sprayed raid once but it freaked me out so much I hid the can. Otherwise I used all these hippy sprays and little stick things. But they are pretty gone (at least for now) so I know its possible. I just don't want the baby hanging out with spiders all over the floor, I don't know what is poisonous or not. I'm not crazy for wanting to get rid of them right? Today I'm taking my dust buster in every corner or this house and starting from there. I guess this is nesting.....
My last vent are my emotions. I was emailing with a friend this week about pregnancy and how everyone expects you to feel a certain way about being pregnant, about the baby, and just a general outlook when in reality this is a really scary time. It was like she was reading my thoughts and knew just how I felt. Sometimes people just being honest and real about things really help. Of course I'm happy that Blake and I are having a baby but right now I'm mostly freaked out. I've talked about this early on but it happened a lot faster than we anticipated so it was a bit shocking. Then the move flipped my entire world upside down and I was in a place where I found myself lonely and bored. I never resented the baby or would ever but it wasn't and isn't easy and I found myself sad a lot of the time. I'm just being honest. Being pregnant is scary. Does it make me unfit to be a parent because I'm not jumping up and down with excitement for this baby or that I tell people I hate being pregnant? Of course things will change when she is born and I see her face and she is really ours but right now its hard to love or care for something that is just kicking away at you and you know nothing about. I'm not a emotionless person by any means I just think the reality for me is that being pregnant and changing your life is way scarier than people make it out to be.
These were just thing things that kept me up in the middle of the night, my little check list of vents are done for the day and I feel much better putting them out there so I can move on and enjoy my day (aka dust busting my house)
One thing I can't get out of my head are my bills. I am freaking out about my credit card bills. I am $20,000 in debt. Talk about being fucked! I have always been able to deal with my debt and pay my bills on time, but without shooting its nearly impossible! It is what it is but the problem is I got my last paycheck the other day and that will cover me for one more month. After that nothing unless my stock photo company makes a massive sale (which trust me I am hoping for). If I was working it would be ok but since I will not be working for at least 2 months there is no way a magical check will come in. So in this case its like how do I manage this stress? How can I deal with something that I can't control? The credit card companies don't give a shit and Blake has enough bills to worry about. I can't just leave them and not pay them. Blake has a lot of student loans and because of this his credit is bad, so I have to keep mine good. I think everyone in the world deals with debt so I know I'm not alone but I guess I just haven't figured out how I am going to handle this and not freak out.
Ok now these spiders. Seriously never in my life have I seen so many critters in one house. You could throw me in a random spot in my house and give me a few seconds and I promise I could find you a spider or two. Yesterday was kinda the breaking point. I was getting dressed and noticed a massive (I swear it was huge) spider on my sweater so I screamed for Blake who took the sweater outside. Ok kinda gross but the real pisser was it made a home in the sweater, like a full on elaborate spider web. It was beyond gross. Its one thing to see them in the corners but in my clothes is where I draw the line. Then last night as we were watching tv one just cruised across the carpet. This is a normal thing. They aren't little tiny things, they are good sized creepy crawlers. I kill a good share each day, some are little and don't bother me at all but some are really gross and juicy and make me wanna vomit. This is all in the house by the way. The backyard is a whole other story. National Geographic should spend a day here. So I want to exterminate and Blake thinks I'm nuts. I've done the research and there are "green" exterminators and also things you can buy online that are dog and baby friendly. I have no idea if they work or not but I'd be willing to try. I got rid of ants without using toxic stuff. Ok I sprayed raid once but it freaked me out so much I hid the can. Otherwise I used all these hippy sprays and little stick things. But they are pretty gone (at least for now) so I know its possible. I just don't want the baby hanging out with spiders all over the floor, I don't know what is poisonous or not. I'm not crazy for wanting to get rid of them right? Today I'm taking my dust buster in every corner or this house and starting from there. I guess this is nesting.....
My last vent are my emotions. I was emailing with a friend this week about pregnancy and how everyone expects you to feel a certain way about being pregnant, about the baby, and just a general outlook when in reality this is a really scary time. It was like she was reading my thoughts and knew just how I felt. Sometimes people just being honest and real about things really help. Of course I'm happy that Blake and I are having a baby but right now I'm mostly freaked out. I've talked about this early on but it happened a lot faster than we anticipated so it was a bit shocking. Then the move flipped my entire world upside down and I was in a place where I found myself lonely and bored. I never resented the baby or would ever but it wasn't and isn't easy and I found myself sad a lot of the time. I'm just being honest. Being pregnant is scary. Does it make me unfit to be a parent because I'm not jumping up and down with excitement for this baby or that I tell people I hate being pregnant? Of course things will change when she is born and I see her face and she is really ours but right now its hard to love or care for something that is just kicking away at you and you know nothing about. I'm not a emotionless person by any means I just think the reality for me is that being pregnant and changing your life is way scarier than people make it out to be.
These were just thing things that kept me up in the middle of the night, my little check list of vents are done for the day and I feel much better putting them out there so I can move on and enjoy my day (aka dust busting my house)
Friday, September 17, 2010
Rosemary Olive Oil Cake
I mentioned the other day that I was going to bake in order to keep sane. It worked and I discovered how much I love rosemary and chocolate together. Plus I love using things from my garden. My next mission is using basil and some sort of sweet.......
This is the recipe I followed. The only thing I might do different next time is change up the chocolate. I used 72% chocolate (in baking bar form) and I think next time I'll try something a bit lighter and sweeter.
This is the recipe I followed. The only thing I might do different next time is change up the chocolate. I used 72% chocolate (in baking bar form) and I think next time I'll try something a bit lighter and sweeter.
Too fat for spandex
Never thought that was possible but I looked down today at my leggings that I wear almost every day and they are ripped. My fat ass totally tore them. Way to make a pregnant girl feel really fat, geez. Oh well I think I am going to be living in my old navy sweat pants till I have this baby. Haven't really snapped out of feeling crappy. Still nauseous and icky feeling. I've been having weird indigestion which wakes me up and keeps me from sleeping. Last night it kept me up so I just sat up in bed for a bit then went to the kitchen to eat saltines and gingerale at about 4am. It seemed to help so I went back to sleep. I feel like a zombie today but I have nothing to do so its not a big deal. Watching tons of cooking shows and I'm pretty sure there could be some churros in my future.
Belly shots for 38 weeks. It ain't pretty......
Belly shots for 38 weeks. It ain't pretty......
Thursday, September 16, 2010
38 weeks
Ok this nauseous thing is annoying. I can deal with the aches and pains but when you can't quite get over that feeling of wanting to puke its really annoying. Its hard to eat anything but at the same time its the only thing that helps. I managed to eat cottage cheese and strawberries this am followed by cereal. I should have an egg but I didn't feel like throwing up. Lovely morning blog huh? I'm thinking I might have to resort to ginger ale for breakfast like I did in the first trimester.
My mom came down for a few days to keep me company which has been good to keep my mind off feeling crappy. Since I'm not really supposed to be venturing out alone it helps cause we can run around and keep semi busy (at least till I get tired which is pretty quickly). I have another midwife appt today. At this point its all pretty standard and quick. I get weighed, measured, and then we talk a bit. Just a big waiting game now......
So everyone keeps talking about the due date and when she will be here. My mother in law is thinking the 23rd or the 25th. My mom said she thinks I have about a week and a half left which I guess would be the 25th ish. I have no idea, as shitty as I feel I still think I have a little bit of time left. Obviously out of my control but I would have no problem is she came next week a few days early!
My mom came down for a few days to keep me company which has been good to keep my mind off feeling crappy. Since I'm not really supposed to be venturing out alone it helps cause we can run around and keep semi busy (at least till I get tired which is pretty quickly). I have another midwife appt today. At this point its all pretty standard and quick. I get weighed, measured, and then we talk a bit. Just a big waiting game now......
So everyone keeps talking about the due date and when she will be here. My mother in law is thinking the 23rd or the 25th. My mom said she thinks I have about a week and a half left which I guess would be the 25th ish. I have no idea, as shitty as I feel I still think I have a little bit of time left. Obviously out of my control but I would have no problem is she came next week a few days early!
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
The room
The babies room is complete! I still need a pop of color somewhere (without painting) but I doubt she is going to mind. So we'll see if that happens. Most likely she won't even sleep in there for at least 6 months. I also shot a few cute clothes that I'm loving right now. The amount of clothes is kinda outta control but seriously when everything is super small and adorable its hard to resist.
What every girl needs, mini punk rock jackets. Can you see the chihuahua pin?
And of course a Cynthia Rowley dress from Ashley and Steve!
And more cuteness......
The closet
What every girl needs, mini punk rock jackets. Can you see the chihuahua pin?
And of course a Cynthia Rowley dress from Ashley and Steve!
And more cuteness......
The closet
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