Enjoying my coffee while I make mental lists of what I need to do today. Blake took Olive to his mom's house on the way to work so I have a few hours to get stuff done. I don't even know where to begin but I'm gonna hope once my coffee kicks in, it will help guide me. I think shower, retouching, and office organization will be a good start.
So Blake and I made a little one year book for Olive. We did it last week so that it would be here in time for her birthday party on the 10th. I'm hoping we can do this every year for her. I imagined her taking all 18 little books off to college with her and I almost lost it.
Friday, August 26, 2011
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Summer cold
Sick days are boring but we made it. I never got out of my pj's and didn't take a shower so I felt pretty gross all day. We didn't leave the house, only ventured into the backyard a few times. Tomorrow we will leave for a bit cause this momma was going stir crazy! Olive was a bit boogery but was in a pretty good mood considering she has a summer cold. She slept pretty good last night too which was great so fingers crossed she does well tonight. Last night we eventually got her back down around 10pm and she was up at 5am so it wasn't awful. The 5am wake up thing blows but hoping it's just from the cold and teething. Not going to stress on it now till she is all better then we'll figure it all out. We have a really good friends 1st birthday on Saturday so I'm hoping that she is all better. We still have time so I think we'll be fine, unless I get the cold. Booooo.
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| Hand-me-down sweatpants. Pretty much the most perfect sick outfit. |
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| New black sparkle Toms came in the mail today. Thanks Grandma! |
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| She can reach the 7"'s. Shit....... |
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
It's snot funny
Olive has been tossing and turning for the last hour. Today she started with a runny nose and was pretty congested. I blamed it on teething all day. I just kinda assumed that it could be the problem cause she has a tooth that I can tell is bothering her. I am wrong and we have a cold. FUCK! It's going to be a long night so I'm just kinda preparing myself for that. Poor thing must feel like shit. I hate being sick and trying to sleep. It's the worst feeling ever. That and being a baby and not knowing why you feel like shit. Blake took this round and is going to lay with her for a bit then I'm up next. I know the exact moment she got the cold and I should of done something. Stupid me, I 100% blame myself for this. So we're at the beach on saturday and this little girl is running around in her diaper all day. Blake mentioned that she was annoying and bratty all day but I didn't really notice too much. I was standing with Olive under this tent thing and the baby and her mom came over to us and she let her little girl say hi. I didn't think anything of it until she came in to kiss Olive and she had the biggest snot coming down her face. I couldn't grab Olive fast enough and the little girl kissed her and the snot stuck to Olive's face. The mom quickly made some comment about teething and snotty baby so I thought it was no big deal. What a bitch. Thank you for bringing your sick child to the beach and letting her make out with my child. Ok ok maybe she didn't she still sucks.
Sadly we had a really fun day planned for tomorrow. We had swim in the morning and then we planned to head out to Menifee with some friends to hang at the splash park but I just emailed and canceled. Looks like it will be movies. pj's, and Olive's first taste of Matzo Ball soup. She has never taken medicine before so I'm hoping she doesn't get a fever and we can cure it with some jew food!
We had a pretty good day considering Olive wasn't 100%. We woke up and ran some errands and she was pretty fine with that. Then we drove out to Long Beach to meet up with Evan for lunch which was really fun. Olive was happy to see Evan and was in a good mood. As soon as we got in the car she just lost it. Full on holding her breath crying so I reached back and held her hand the entire 30 min drive home. If I let go to get the feeling back in my arm she just screamed bloody murder. Poor baby just wanted mama. I talked to Kristin the entire drive home which seriously brightened my entire day and made the numb arm less noticeable. That girl makes me happy. Why the hell does Portland have to be so damn far away? The last few days have been a little bla and today after talking to her I kinda got that pick me up that I needed. Friends like that are the best. Now if I could just find some girlfriends that live near me we would be all good! I swear everyone I hang out with lives at least an hour away. It's insane. It's so hard having my mom friends so far away. I know I talk about it all the time but it sucks. I just want to be able to hang out with them all the time but the drive is a lot to do more than once a week. I love that we all make the effort to do fun stuff and hang out even with the distance but it would be nice to have some moms that are close. I hung out with one mom friend a few times and I really liked her and I thought she liked me but for some reason we haven't hung out in a long time. I made a few efforts but nothing. Maybe she is busy? I dunno, or maybe she thinks I'm lame. Sometimes I feel like this isn't my life, like it's this temporary place and I'm going to go back to my old life soon. Not sure what my old life is but this just doesn't feel like it. I don't feel settled at all. Yesterday while Olive was napping I was resting on the couch. I ended up falling asleep and I was starting to wake up and I heard the train and for a few min I pictured myself on my couch in Brooklyn. It was weird like the feeling, the smell, the noise and evertything was Brooklyn. I was awake enough to know it wasn't but it just felt like that for a bit and it was nice. I talk about missing NY a lot but I don't even know if that is my answer. I wish I had an answer but I don't. Instead I just bitch and moan on here. I really am trying to make an effort to make this my home and my life but it's hard. The pieces are quite fitting together and I don't know why or what to do to make it work.
Time to snuggle up with Olive and hope we can all get some sleep.
Sadly we had a really fun day planned for tomorrow. We had swim in the morning and then we planned to head out to Menifee with some friends to hang at the splash park but I just emailed and canceled. Looks like it will be movies. pj's, and Olive's first taste of Matzo Ball soup. She has never taken medicine before so I'm hoping she doesn't get a fever and we can cure it with some jew food!
We had a pretty good day considering Olive wasn't 100%. We woke up and ran some errands and she was pretty fine with that. Then we drove out to Long Beach to meet up with Evan for lunch which was really fun. Olive was happy to see Evan and was in a good mood. As soon as we got in the car she just lost it. Full on holding her breath crying so I reached back and held her hand the entire 30 min drive home. If I let go to get the feeling back in my arm she just screamed bloody murder. Poor baby just wanted mama. I talked to Kristin the entire drive home which seriously brightened my entire day and made the numb arm less noticeable. That girl makes me happy. Why the hell does Portland have to be so damn far away? The last few days have been a little bla and today after talking to her I kinda got that pick me up that I needed. Friends like that are the best. Now if I could just find some girlfriends that live near me we would be all good! I swear everyone I hang out with lives at least an hour away. It's insane. It's so hard having my mom friends so far away. I know I talk about it all the time but it sucks. I just want to be able to hang out with them all the time but the drive is a lot to do more than once a week. I love that we all make the effort to do fun stuff and hang out even with the distance but it would be nice to have some moms that are close. I hung out with one mom friend a few times and I really liked her and I thought she liked me but for some reason we haven't hung out in a long time. I made a few efforts but nothing. Maybe she is busy? I dunno, or maybe she thinks I'm lame. Sometimes I feel like this isn't my life, like it's this temporary place and I'm going to go back to my old life soon. Not sure what my old life is but this just doesn't feel like it. I don't feel settled at all. Yesterday while Olive was napping I was resting on the couch. I ended up falling asleep and I was starting to wake up and I heard the train and for a few min I pictured myself on my couch in Brooklyn. It was weird like the feeling, the smell, the noise and evertything was Brooklyn. I was awake enough to know it wasn't but it just felt like that for a bit and it was nice. I talk about missing NY a lot but I don't even know if that is my answer. I wish I had an answer but I don't. Instead I just bitch and moan on here. I really am trying to make an effort to make this my home and my life but it's hard. The pieces are quite fitting together and I don't know why or what to do to make it work.
Time to snuggle up with Olive and hope we can all get some sleep.
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| Snot Face |
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| Wild Child |
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Beach Party
I can't get enough of watching Olive enjoy the beach so there are way too many photos of her. Major editing fail. We spent Saturday in Carlsbad for Nola's third birthday party. Sadly I have no other photos of the party as my camera decided to eat sand and not work for most of the day. A bunch of my friends were there for the party and we just lounged on the beach the entire day. Olive was a happy little thing the whole day. She even went 3 hours past her nap without getting grumpy at all. The beach is a miracle for sure. She wandered around entertaining herself with all the beach toys, sand, crawling all over my friends, and playing with the kids. On the way home we stopped at one of my favorite burrito places from when I used to live there. So so good till about midnight when Blake woke up and thought he was dying. Soon after I felt like crap too. We figured the food must of had MSG cause we were both wide awake the entire night and in the morning we felt like we had hangovers. I've never in my life had a problem with MS. Getting old is the pits.
So today we were a little on the slow side. We met up with Cameron and his lady friend for breakfast before heading down to the beach. Olive made up for her perfect Saturday by being a wild child at breakfast (aka a total nightmare). Her tooth is almost sticking through on the bottom so I'm pretty sure that was making her irritable. We only spent a few hours down at the beach. I actually got a quick nap in while Blake and Robin played with Olive. Then Robin was able to get Olive to sleep so I got some reading in. Yay relaxing! We're having a quiet night now. Blake is watching Scarface and I'm half watching while playing around on the computer.
So today we were a little on the slow side. We met up with Cameron and his lady friend for breakfast before heading down to the beach. Olive made up for her perfect Saturday by being a wild child at breakfast (aka a total nightmare). Her tooth is almost sticking through on the bottom so I'm pretty sure that was making her irritable. We only spent a few hours down at the beach. I actually got a quick nap in while Blake and Robin played with Olive. Then Robin was able to get Olive to sleep so I got some reading in. Yay relaxing! We're having a quiet night now. Blake is watching Scarface and I'm half watching while playing around on the computer.
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| She learned how kiss last week so she was having a major makeout session with Gavin. Every time she learns something new I say it's my favorite but I really think this is the best. |
Friday, August 19, 2011
What do I want to be when I grow up.....
I had one of those weird mornings and it's taken me all day to shake it off. I read this interview about a friend of mine and it left me feeling funny and kinda sad inside. The interview wasn't sad, I was actually super excited and proud for him but it just brought up a lot of feelings about my photography or lack of. My friend is a photographer and we've known each other for about 13 years now. Anyways in my eyes he is making it out in NY as a photographer. I know where he came from and I've seen him succeed by leaps and bounds. In the interview he talks about his passion and how hard he has worked and wanted this for so long. I can see him saying all this cause I've heard it from his mouth a million times. The thing is I used to have that passion too, that drive, that want like I would do anything in the world to make it happen. That is where the sad comes in. I read his words and I was sad that I had lost that. Where was my passion? Why didn't I want to try anymore? None of my lack of passion comes from having a baby or being a mom, it was slowly leaving me a few years back. I tried to keep it alive but I couldn't and I think it's now at the point where it's gone. I think back to when I was 16 and the only thing in the world I wanted to do was shoot photos. As I got older it got even more intense. It was my entire life. It consumed me. The best part was I loved it, every single thing about it. I read everything I could get my hands on about photography, this way way before the internet. I'd sit for hours in bookstores looking at books and magazines imagining that I had shot the covers and spreads. There was nothing else I could do with my life this was it and I knew that. Now many years later I sit here and barely have the motivation to shoot anything. I mean of course I shoot Olive but those are snapshots and look nothing like my work. I mean how does one just let that go?
Blake and I always joke around how photography is a great hobby and maybe we should of kept it that way. I don't mean to sound bitter but I think somewhere along the way I just got burnt. I don't talk about my photo "career" on here as first of all I don't have much of one anymore and second of all there isn't much to say. Being a commercial photographer is do or die, there isn't much in between and if there is the between sucks and there is so so much struggle. I do love struggle, it is what gets you motivated and excited but it can also wear on you and beat you down after so many years. I've been lucky, ok not lucky but I have worked my ass off to shoot the things I've shot and to get into the magazines I have but you also get to a point where it's not humanly possible to try any harder and at some point you just don't give a shit anymore. I feel like I invested my entire life into becoming a photographer. I mean the school alone was unreal. Then the money I put into building up this business. I still have debt coming out of my ass for that. I don't regret any of it, not a second but I just wonder if I will get this spark back and want to shoot again or maybe it's time to move on????
There were always times during my career where I would get stuck and my drive and motivation would be shot but I always knew I would get out of it. I had my ways, my photo friends to help me, and once I was back on track I was inspired and excited. I want that back so bad. I miss that feeling of loving what I do. Yes I love being a mom and that is who I am but I'm also a million other things. This post has taken me days to write. Not cause its complex in anyway but I've just been thinking about everything, I guess letting it all soak in.
This morning when I was getting dressed I thought about having someone watch Olive once a week and just trying to get back into things, whatever they may be. Why not give it a try before I call it quits right? My website is beyond dated, I have a billion images for stock that need to be retouched and uploaded, and I need to update my database of contacts. Yes I could do this at nap time but selfishly her first nap I take a shower and get dressed. My child doesn't take long naps so I get anywhere from 45 min- 1hour with the occasional 2 hour nap stuck in there just for a little treat. If I don't get dressed I hate leaving the house and most of our day is spent out and about so that shower is kinda important. Plus no matter what getting dressed and putting on a little coverup makes me feel human. Then her afternoon nap is where I usually eat the rest of my lunch that I didn't to eat when she was eating, clean up her lunch mess, laundry, dishes, blog, and occasionally I sneak in a 15 min nap, some days I turn on Bravo and zone out. It just depends but really there isn't that much time to sit at my computer and work. Ya I could probably lay off the cleanup or bring my food to my computer but sometimes I wonder how much I would really get done. I'm honestly not making excuses but starting the whole process of getting images ready takes awhile and once I got everything ready to go I'm 100% sure she would wake up. So what if once a week I got someone to come over and watch her while I sat in my office?? I think about the money to get a babysitter and wonder if it's worth it. What is the going rate for babysitters these days anyways? My mother in law has been wonderful to offer to take her on friday's (which I will take her up on) when she has the day off but pumping milk has been really hard for me lately and having her in the next room just makes it easier and less stressful in the milk dept. Plus if I paid someone I would really really get my ass into gear and work. I've been pumping everyday trying to save for my weekend in Palm Springs and Sacramento. I think I have enough for Palm Springs but not quite enough for Sacramento. My supply sucks. I mean I have plenty for her but any extra is like a joke. So I have to be careful leaving her places if it's not absolutely necessary at least till all my getaways are done.
This doesn't solve the problem if I still want to be a photographer or if I have the drive and motivation somewhere buried in me but I think the only way to find out is to get back into it. I feel so lucky to have something I can still do while having kids and I want to take advantage of that. Obviously I am not contributing anything financially now (everything I earn goes to my credit cards) but I feel like with a little extra push I have the potential to make a bit more money. I haven't shot a personal project for myself in years and maybe I need that too. Either to figure out this is what I want to be doing or that I'm ready to move on to something else. Either way I'm ok with what comes of it but I want some answers. So I'm slowing going to start getting my shit together and trying to re-build anything I can to put me back out there.
If you're curious this is what I do or for more recent stuff this is my blog .
If you actually read this you are a trooper and again I apologize for my shitty grammar.
Blake and I always joke around how photography is a great hobby and maybe we should of kept it that way. I don't mean to sound bitter but I think somewhere along the way I just got burnt. I don't talk about my photo "career" on here as first of all I don't have much of one anymore and second of all there isn't much to say. Being a commercial photographer is do or die, there isn't much in between and if there is the between sucks and there is so so much struggle. I do love struggle, it is what gets you motivated and excited but it can also wear on you and beat you down after so many years. I've been lucky, ok not lucky but I have worked my ass off to shoot the things I've shot and to get into the magazines I have but you also get to a point where it's not humanly possible to try any harder and at some point you just don't give a shit anymore. I feel like I invested my entire life into becoming a photographer. I mean the school alone was unreal. Then the money I put into building up this business. I still have debt coming out of my ass for that. I don't regret any of it, not a second but I just wonder if I will get this spark back and want to shoot again or maybe it's time to move on????
There were always times during my career where I would get stuck and my drive and motivation would be shot but I always knew I would get out of it. I had my ways, my photo friends to help me, and once I was back on track I was inspired and excited. I want that back so bad. I miss that feeling of loving what I do. Yes I love being a mom and that is who I am but I'm also a million other things. This post has taken me days to write. Not cause its complex in anyway but I've just been thinking about everything, I guess letting it all soak in.
This morning when I was getting dressed I thought about having someone watch Olive once a week and just trying to get back into things, whatever they may be. Why not give it a try before I call it quits right? My website is beyond dated, I have a billion images for stock that need to be retouched and uploaded, and I need to update my database of contacts. Yes I could do this at nap time but selfishly her first nap I take a shower and get dressed. My child doesn't take long naps so I get anywhere from 45 min- 1hour with the occasional 2 hour nap stuck in there just for a little treat. If I don't get dressed I hate leaving the house and most of our day is spent out and about so that shower is kinda important. Plus no matter what getting dressed and putting on a little coverup makes me feel human. Then her afternoon nap is where I usually eat the rest of my lunch that I didn't to eat when she was eating, clean up her lunch mess, laundry, dishes, blog, and occasionally I sneak in a 15 min nap, some days I turn on Bravo and zone out. It just depends but really there isn't that much time to sit at my computer and work. Ya I could probably lay off the cleanup or bring my food to my computer but sometimes I wonder how much I would really get done. I'm honestly not making excuses but starting the whole process of getting images ready takes awhile and once I got everything ready to go I'm 100% sure she would wake up. So what if once a week I got someone to come over and watch her while I sat in my office?? I think about the money to get a babysitter and wonder if it's worth it. What is the going rate for babysitters these days anyways? My mother in law has been wonderful to offer to take her on friday's (which I will take her up on) when she has the day off but pumping milk has been really hard for me lately and having her in the next room just makes it easier and less stressful in the milk dept. Plus if I paid someone I would really really get my ass into gear and work. I've been pumping everyday trying to save for my weekend in Palm Springs and Sacramento. I think I have enough for Palm Springs but not quite enough for Sacramento. My supply sucks. I mean I have plenty for her but any extra is like a joke. So I have to be careful leaving her places if it's not absolutely necessary at least till all my getaways are done.
This doesn't solve the problem if I still want to be a photographer or if I have the drive and motivation somewhere buried in me but I think the only way to find out is to get back into it. I feel so lucky to have something I can still do while having kids and I want to take advantage of that. Obviously I am not contributing anything financially now (everything I earn goes to my credit cards) but I feel like with a little extra push I have the potential to make a bit more money. I haven't shot a personal project for myself in years and maybe I need that too. Either to figure out this is what I want to be doing or that I'm ready to move on to something else. Either way I'm ok with what comes of it but I want some answers. So I'm slowing going to start getting my shit together and trying to re-build anything I can to put me back out there.
If you're curious this is what I do or for more recent stuff this is my blog .
If you actually read this you are a trooper and again I apologize for my shitty grammar.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Dancy Dance
Olive and I got a super special treat this week. We got to visit the set of Yo Gabba Gabba. They don't start shooting till next week so it was pretty quiet and not much was happening except lots of painting and setting up. We wandered around and Evan got to introduce everyone to Olive (hello #1 uncle). I think she was more excited waving at all the people and watching the equipment. We grabbed a few photos with the characters but most of them were not in tact since they were putting everything together. This was a good age to bring her to set because I don't think she recognized anything yet. Had she been a little older she may have been freaked out that Foofa was missing her bottom half. It was so cool to see all the props and random stuff lying around. I already put in my request for her to be on the show in a few years.
Monday, August 15, 2011
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