Monday, December 10, 2012

bipolar bear

I'm in full zone out mode. For the first time in years I put on music while on my computer. I've noticed lately I'm lacking music in my life and it's making me insane. Of course I listen to music in my car but I never just zone out and really listen. Tonight I had to, it was one of those trying days where I for sure needed to take my brain elsewhere. I hate complaining about shitty days but the last few weeks maybe even months have been really hard. I wish there was no such thing as terrible twos and there were just hard days but man oh man this is trying. The attitude, the not listening, the testing, the screaming at me, and the crazy way she acts around her friends. That is just a small part. If it was here and there I wouldn't care but its constant. I feel like every single place I go she makes a full on scene and I end up acting like a crazy mom or at least a heavy dose of birth control for people around us. I've tried every possible approach to her. The sweet kind calm approach and the crazy psyco mom screaming at the top of my lungs. Sometimes one works and sometimes nothing works. It's totally unpredictable. It's hard because while I want her to listen to me I feel like I'm also molding this little human and teaching them wrong and right. No pressure right? So I don't want to ignore a single behavior but at some point there is just nothing I can do to reason with her ya know? She does have a sweet side and she is so kind and gentle when she wants to be. She is so funny and smart and I love her to pieces but when does a mom get a break? I want her to be respectful and when I see her acting like a crazy person I feel like I've gone wrong or that it's my fault. I know I'm a good mom and I know I have given her everything I am capable of but when she acts like a psycho what am I supposed to think?? I hang out with a lot of kids so I know she isn't the only one like this but I also know she is one of very few. I have major playdate anxiety because I have no idea what she is going to do. This weekend we had Hanukah with the family and she was doing so well with her cousins. She was playing nicely and everything was great till she started pulling at one of her cousins sweater and trying to pull her down on the ground. She wasn't being mean but she wanted to play and after I literally told her about 10 times she just didn't stop. I had to pull her away and we sat down and talked about it. It was so embarrassing. I know it sounds lame but when you are screaming at your kid and they don't listen it's a reflection of you and your parenting. I mean I used to think that.  I want Olive to respect me and what I tell her. I know it's crazy to want this at 2 but then when do you start? I mean this is when it's all coming together?? I don't know I'm really having a hard time and luckily I have some great mom friends to vent to and swap stories but at the same time I'm also scared shitless of what my kid is going to do. Parenting a toddler is no fucking joke.

Last week was a total bust as Olive was sick the entire week. My mom was out and we were supposed to do a million fun things but Olive felt crappy. It was the first time I've seen her really sick and it was so sad. Luckily my mom was here to help or it would have been a crazy week but we got through it and managed to get some fun in there too. Olive met Santa and it was tear free! She was actually pretty excited to meet him and walked up to him like a champ. After they took a few photos she sat up there talking to him. I could see her hands moving like she was telling him a story. I actually had to go up and take her off his lap, she would have talked the poor guys ear off. My little libra does not stop talking. She told us she was asking him for Buzz and Woody (Toy Story). She is getting really excited about Christmas and starting to put it all together. We showed her Pee Wee's Playhouse Christmas Special and she loved it. It took us a few nights to finish the whole thing but she keeps asking for Pee Wee and she thinks she is hysterical. Think it will be our little holiday tradition to watch during the holidays. I haven't watched the special probably since it aired in the 90's and wow it is weirder than ever. I used to love that show as a kid and as an adult it totally holds up. We've been crafting as many holiday crafts as we can and I think my favorite so far has been making salt ornaments. Well painting them. She seemed to love doing that and it kept her pretty busy. I'm totally enjoying the holiday season and sharing all the fun winterish stuff with her. Lets just hope it can drop below 70 this week so we can feel a bit more winterish.

mint hot chocolate in which we will always remember from the large stain on our floor that somehow will not come up. 

she was actually really good at putting them on the tree. 

helping to plant new grass. 

dim sum. 


happy birthday to me! 

kat and sonia doing the hot chocolate dance. 

long day, getting sleepy. 

wild riders. 

petco is always a fun chore. 

sick face.

marisa came to visit!!!

sick morning. 

pup sitting millie. 

lunch with grandma. 

cookie decorating. 

reindeer carousel. 

her hands are my favorite. 

we are dinner at a place with sawdust on the floor. amazing. 

raver fort. 

that was the space i slept in all night. sick baby and snugly pup didn't really care. 

car races. 

jumping while watching pee wee. 

milk mustache. 

sidecar doughnut tasting. big fan! 

pickle eater.