Monday, April 21, 2014

No tears

I survived the day and when I say survive I mean I didn't cry. It's pretty manageable till about 3 then I hit that wall which is normal but with this just comes physical exhaustion and not to mention the size of my swollen foot. It's huge. I mean the reality is I can't stay off it. It's painful. I worry about it ever healing and I don't say that to be dramatic but more realistic. There are many things I'm starting to figure out better like walking with Otto and one crutch although as long as olive is home she does my lifting. I have lunch down as it's pretty simple. Dinner is the hardest part. While I feel like I've been making pretty simple meals it's not just a pop something in the microwave kinda deal. I cut all my veggies and have to prepare things. If I ate a frozen pizza I would feel like shit and considering I don't feel awesome these days a yummy meal helps. I made it through most of dinner making tonight ok. I was sweating but hey I'm burning calories right? Then Otto flipped and got super mad. So I had to carry him. Which means I'm hopping all over the kitchen on one leg holding him like a total maniac. The olive asks me  "why I'm fucking upset" I can promise fucking upset has come out of my mouth in the last few hours. I can only blame myself for that. 
I look at the week and I just think, holy shit balls how am I going to do this???

We made a weed crown. 

Clothing choices have been ridiculous and my kids spend all day filthy. 

This entertains them for quite some time. 

Boner

I promise when my foot is healed I will never complain that days are hard, never. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. Mentally I'm ok now. I've accepted that my foot is broken and it's going to be hard. I mean that should be obvious but it took awhile not to just be downright depressed about it. I'm mostly just disappointed in all that I will miss out on and how to entertain my kids at home for the next few weeks/months. The days are long. Chasing after Otto on crutches is exhausting and dangerous. He's fast and curious. Olive has been amazing, like unbelievable about carrying him around the house and pulling him from situations. I get tired and when I'm running around and my foot gets swollen and it starts killing me. I imagine it's not ideal for healing. I try to keep it elevated when I'm sitting but that's very rare. Dinners and late afternoons are the hardest. I'm managing but it's hard. I know there are lessons here about patience, slowing down, and not doing everything. I'm trying to take these lessons and keep everything on a positive note. It's beyond hard but I have no choice. 
Sometimes I look at the clock and think holy shit how can I possibly survive 7 more hours?? But I do and I will. 

I'm putting Otto down for his second nap. He was up so much last night and crazy early so he's cranky and sad. His other front tooth is almost in so im guessing it hurts. Poor baby. He just wants mama. At least my boob works....

Thursday, April 17, 2014

Princess fall down

I have to apologize for the extemely emo posts lately. This is my venting and gives me a bit of sanity in all this chaos. So turns out my little slip on the princess dress re broke my foot. I mean I knew that but I got the X-ray confirmation yesterday. So now I start over with healing. I mean the fact that it's beyond ridiculous is almost funny. I'm doing everything I can to keep my shit together and honestly it's really hard. I've cried so much. I'm depressed. I'm feeling like I let down my kids. I feel beyond lonely. I feel like I'm missing out. The list goes on but in the end it just fucking sucks. While I realize wallowing in this won't help it at all it's still hard to be anything close to positive. But I'm trying. I want to take this time to focus on my kids and be present cause really I have no other option. I mean not that I don't do that already but we never stay home so now we will and we will have to get creative. That and my patience.  Nothing can be instant. Everything takes time now and picking up crutches to go pee is exhausting. I know nothing will seem too hard after this. And maybe I was supposed to learn that lesson and gain strength. I dunno. Everyday will be a challenge. I want to pick up my baby and walk with him. I feel so sad about that. It's all the little things that are hard. I need my friends and I need support so bad right know but I'm so terrible at asking. I need like a million hugs and for fucks sake can I stop crying??!!

Monday, April 14, 2014

Bitching

Well the good news is I survived the entire day alone. The bad news is I either broke my foot even worse or it's swollen from doing way too much. Or both. My crutches caught a princess dress and I slipped and instinctually I slammed down my foot to catch myself. The bad foot. I felt it shake and that same broken bone feeling that now I know is a broken bone pain just stung like a motherfucker. I just stood there and cried. There was nothing else to do. The day was so so hard. While of course there were little pieces of good things it was hard. I couldn't be on my crutches to grab Otto when he was half way up he slide or when he was crying. He's a baby and he needs me. I can't just leave him. He gets into places he shouldn't and while olive was so good about helping me she is three and sometimes she just doesn't want to. She did help me carry him to and from his room for nap which was a big deal. Cooking dinner was near impossible but I did it. I honestly don't know how I will have the energy to do it all again  tomorrow but I know that I have to so I will.  Had I not hurt my foot again I think it would have been a fine day. It was definitely the hardest day as a mom but I did it. There were a lot of tears today and a lot of pep talks with myself. I've been pain free for a few days now and I feel like I started over or made it worse which sucks. I could use some balance right now and some good news. And hugs, lots of hugs. 


Saturday, April 12, 2014

Limp

I still feel like my foot is just one big dream or I guess nightmare. Everything is hard, everything. My brother helped me to figure out a way to carry Otto with one crutch and put as little pressure as possible on my foot. Its going to take some work as it's physically exhausting. But it can be done when I need to get him into his room to change a diaper. Getting him in the car might be a little tricky and I haven't quite figured that out. Today was long. Olive wasn't feeling good so I kept her home from school because obviously it's the best time for the kids to get sick. I mean bring it on universe. Otto had swim so Jared got in the water with him. It was pretty easy to manage since he did everything. Driving is ok but now that it's been in this boot for two days tiny little movements hurt so the bouncy car seems pretty painful. It's going to be a long long few weeks. Thankfully my mom is here and then it's the weekend. Hour by hour. 




Break

Olive is passed out on my bed next to me. Poor kid has a cold. Otto is sleeping too as I'm sure he is feeling the sick come on. What a week. My mom is here which has allowed me to really do nothing and to catch up on stuff around the house. I'm a terrible relaxer but I'm trying as I know eventually she will have to go home and things will get tricky. 
Last night was a rough one. Nights in general suck. My foot starts to throb and trying to getcomfortable is a joke so I just stare at the clock all night. I think I finally fell asleep this mornjng for a bit but otherwise sleeping just isn't an option. Otto was up twice which is hard. Once he is asleep on my boob I can't really get up without putting full pressure on my foot or hopping which I've been doing. Hopping generally wakes him up or since I'm half asleep I almost fall. Might be a good time for him to sleep through the night. Last night I got into a pretty shitty place. The reality of how hard this is, is really set in. I don't want to go to Costa Rica any more like at all which is the saddest thing ever as I was so excited. I just don't see the point of being so uncomfortable and not being able to get around. The idea of it sounds great but the reality is it's going to be a ton of work. I just sat here in my bed crying for like an hour. Maybe that sounds dumb but it felt good. 

I kept saying I needed a break and I guess the universe answered and literally gave me a break. Talking about a giant fuck you. Hoping today will be better and my mental state will be brighter. 


Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Broken

Well my foot is broken. Not cool, not cool at all. I've gone through all of the emotions already. First it was denial which quickly turned into this nervous panic of who is going to help me with the kids. It was quickly followed but just straight up sadness and anger mixed together. I'm still in the last part although I am truly trying to stop and accept it. I mean I did this to myself. The poor kids were dragged all around to all my appointments today and it was not pretty. Otto was pretty miserable the whole time and I felt totally awful. Olive was fine till the last dr and she just lost it and was a compete nightmare. The nurses wanted to kill me which didn't help as I was clearly having a hard time with both kids while hopping around in a boot.
I've beat myself up all day over it. Ya it was stupid but it happened. Blake while not being mean isn't exactly that pleased. He hasn't said that but the lack of compassion is hard to hide. Maybe I deserve it but at this point I'm pretty low so it isn't helping my slow dive into depression. 
It couldn't possibly come at a worse time. Blake and I leave for Costa Rica in less than a month. Of course I can still hobble around there but it doesn't exactly scream relaxing. I have a bachelorette party in a few weeks. I'm planning a baby shower and a birthday party. Not to mention I have two extremely active kids. I'm supposed to keep off it completely. I mean totally impossible. My brother was able to get down here today so I was only alone with the kids for an hour before he was there to help. My mom will be here tomorrow for awhile but she can't stay forever.  I'm not quite sure how I'm going to make dinner and get the kids in the bath. That and the in and out of the car to school, dance, soccer, swim.  Talk about anxiety. 

While I know this was something so dumb and I did it to myself I'm trying to find that reason. While some things in life are just shitty and just happen I think of how dumb this was. It was silly. I've done crazier things at kickboxing or being silly (sober) My brother keeps telling me I need to learn patience and that after this everything will seem so easy. Uhh so so true but it's hard to concentrate on that now. I feel like I'm going to be a bad mom. Like I can't do everything or even anything. I can't do play dates or go on fun adventures. I will have to slow down and ask for help. Two of the things I fear the most. Pretty much my worst nightmare. I'm not sure if there is a lesson here or I just fucked up but it's pretty shitty. 
Oh and the pain, ya that sucks too. 
One minute at a time....