I know my shitty attitude and mood didn't help the day as I was feeling crappy from the moment I got out of bed and totally on edge. It was mostly my fault as I didn't want to leave the house today. I could barely get dressed I was so upset today. Being home just doesn't work for us. I get bored which makes me pissy and irritable. Tomorrow we need out. We need fresh air and sunshine. I need to start over. I realized today my mood (obviously combined with my shitty financial situation) is for sure because the seasons changing. I've written about this before but I get so damn affected by the change even when it's not crazy obvious. I dunno I need to blame it on something. Tomorrow we start fresh and happy!
Thursday, March 6, 2014
Tomorrow is a new day. I just keep telling myself that. Today sucked. Plain and simple. I felt like I just couldn't win with Olive. I tried so hard and it was just battle after battle. She was picking on Otto all day. She probably made him cry at least 15 or more times. The attitude oh the attitude. I haven't cried from being frustrated in a long time and I just lost it today. All her princess dresses are in the garage. I took dance class away from her too. She was really bummed out about it for like 10 min then she went outside and played by herself for like an hour like nothing happened. I've pretty much lost control with her and I'm at a loss. We've been working with a sticker chart and it felt like it was working for a second but clearly she could give a shit. And bedtime oh man what a joke. It's over an hour of these crazy almost barfing screams. She's fake crying so she's being extra dramatic about it. It's hard as I don't want to wake up Otto. I'm not sure where I went wrong with my kids but sleep is not one of their strong suits. In between all the ugly she is just so so smart. Like sometimes it's scary. She does not act like a 3 year old or even a 4 year old. Her imagination is unreal and she is so much fun and holy shit is she cleaver. I guess with this comes the crazy. She has bits of sweetness in there. She will hug Otto nicely or give him a kiss when she isn't racking him of course. And she will snuggle with me and tell me she loves me. Gosh I love all those moments but sadly with her the bad has taken over. When you are dealing with someone so strong willed and so determined it's hard.
Otto got his first tooth! It's sure been giving him a hard time. I'm hoping that the other one next to it is on it's way too. He's been pretty bummed about it and the only thing making it better is mama. Only mama. He's been eating like a champ lately so hoping we are on the right path now. He ate 3 meals for the first time ever. He was having some weird allergic reactions or what I thought were allergies but some how they just disappeared. So maybe his rashes were flu related? Either wait he's eating and I'm happy!
We had a really nice day today with one of our friends at the aquarium. It was super easy and the kids we're so happy and good. Olives been a little funny with her friends lately. I've noticed that in large group play dates she gets really antisocial and kinda mean but it was just her and her friend and they had the best time. Totally well behaved besides my child being a total wild and crazy kid but that's nothing out of the norm. So as much as I love going in big groups I think the smaller play dates are just best for now. It might be a phase or who she is but for now whatever works. Otto loved it there as he got a little crawling time in and absolutely loved watching the fish. It's kinda the best spot for babies even in the stroller as there is so much to look at.
I feel a night of insomnia coming on. Stupid stress. Otto is teething anyways so he's had some sad sleepless nights so at least ill have company. I've been laying here just crying for the last hour trying to figure out life and surviving. Financial speaking of course. I freak out all the time but this time it's bad. Were pretty fucked and I don't have a way out. I'm sick of the stress. Complaining won't help but it feels good to just put it out there. Sometimes I wonder why it has to be this hard and why just for like 5 min we can't catch a break. Unless I get a job full time I don't see any other solution. When I think of that I get super sad. As stresssful as being a mom is I feel so lucky to watch my kids grow and be there for every single second of it. I mean that's worth everything. Sadly the price were paying is struggling beyond anything. So what do I do? Being a parent is crazy. I mean I never fully understood what it meant to want the best for someone till I had my kids. I want to give them everything. It's the most insane feeling. The thing with kids is they don't care about so many little things we do.
We were at the park yesterday and it was so beautiful out. They were both on the swings laughing and for like 15 min it was perfect. Nothing else mattered in the world. More and more I try and just bottle up those moments. There are so many little ones in the day. Unfortunately I let the annoying ones take over and piss me off. I'm trying not to be like that. I know at the end of the day I have my healthy and happy kids and that is so so important. Nothing else should matter but sadly it does. The financial and emotional stress of life just takes over and gives you a giant smack in the face. I hate when people tell you just to be satisfied with what you have. I mean no shit but if you don't want more then you will just stay the same forever and screw that. As much as this week has gotten me into a dark depressed place I'm also ready to make changes. Something, anything.
Blake and I have been talking about starting our own business for over a year. He has some amazing ideas. I truly think it could work. But sadly we don't have anything in savings and I have incredible debt. That and it's not just us anymore. We have mouths to feed and life to live. Thinking about any risk just freaks me out. I try and think in my head how it would work. I watched my dad go out on his own when we were kids. He started his own business and I know it was hard. We struggled bad. I remember that. I was old enough to get it. I can remember sitting in my living room at probably like 8 years old sorting through nuts and bolts and making up sample bags. My dad is in the electronic hardware business so lots of nuts and bold literally. I remember this trays we put everything on. I can picture the lighting and our ugly blue plaid couch. We were the workers. Over the years I just watched things grow and grow. He started with a little home office to a small rented office and now he owns and entire building and has hundreds of people working under him. It's incredible. Sadly I didn't get his business skills but I always try and think about him and how amazing it was that he did this. Obviously we are lucky to have help from family. No one is starving and I'm sure my kids will not be denied any need or even want. It's not about that It's about making a life where we can have some breathing room, pay bills, have a little in savings. I'm tired of talking about it and thinkng about it.
Today I'm trying to pull myself out of this place and have a good day with my kids. They don't need this burden. Life, you're a tricky thing.
Right here, this moment is everything.
Sunday, February 23, 2014
The flu can suck it. Olive started the week off with barf. An entire day of flu and then poof gone. Big kid barf is gross. Nothing like being projectile vomited on to really feel like a mom. Poor Olive didn't understand what was going on. She has happily sitting on the couch and poof she was barfing all over me and my BRAND NEW COUCH. Reason #10687 why I can't have nice things. And just in case I forget all about this lovely sick I still have the smell to remind me. Luckily Blake is amazing and came how that night and steamed cleaned it but sadly I think it will take a bit more. Barf is awful, just awful. We survived the day and by the next morning she was 100% back to normal. I really really thought that was it but when we woke up the following morning I could hear Otto making that barf sound. Like the swallowing before the puke, ya I know its lovely. I ran in and picked him up just in time for him to barf all over his changing table. I brought him into bed and hoped it was just random as I was totally in flu denial. I nursed him back to sleep only for him to start the puke fest. Once I got out of bed I realized I felt like absolute shit. Blake was out surfing and my best friend happened to be visiting for the night which was the only reason I made it through the morning of a puking babe and covering myself up on the couch till Blake could get home. Thank goodness he took the day off as there was no way I could even get off the couch. It was an entire day of hell. There were moments where I thought I was going to die. The flu is torture. Luckily the next morning Otto and I work up like champs. I have never experienced a sick like this. Poor Blake has it today and its been awful to watch as he is never sick. The kids and I get every cold and cough under the sun but not him so he got hit hard.
I want to bleach my entire house. That's safe right? Cause I am just beyond grossed out. I have never wanted real summer to get here. While I blame preschool it could really be from anywhere. We are never home so who knows where we got this from. I kinda think we picked up the flu from our mini Palm Springs vacation we went on. The timing just works. Gross. But Palm Springs ruled. We went out last week on a super spontaneous trip. My friend texted me at 2pm kinda half joking if we wanted to go out to Palm Springs for the night. I'm not sure she was expecting my giant yes of an answer but we charged. It took like 4 plus house cause we left at rush hour but it was awesome. We all piled into one room that actually had a separate closed off bedroom where the kids and I stayed all in one bed. Cozy! Alison and her boys slept on the pull out like champs. I don't think we actually slept but once we were at the pool it didn't matter. Bloody Mary's, sunshine, happy kids, and swimming all day. It was amazing. While juggling two kids isnt the easiest some how my kids do really good in these places and I was pretty relaxed. I mean who doesn't love vacation??!! We had plans to head home but I somehow talked Blake into coming out that night. It probably wasn't the most financially responsible choice but we did it and it was fantastic. Memories are better then money. In this case we needed it. Family time is kinda the best. At home we get distracted by so many things but on vacation it's just us and fun. Can we go back now??
Friday, February 7, 2014
I woke up this morning thinking I felt better so we got dressed and headed to a friends house for a little play date. Turns out I wasn't feeling that awesome. I don't think I'm contagious anymore at all but I do think I have a sinius infection. Aka I need meds. Getting to a dr is a whole other problem. Hoping to pop over to urgent care tomorrow and see what is going on. I've never been sick for this long so I want to make sure everything is ok. I'm sure not getting more then an hour of sleep in a row isn't helping and running around all day with the kids not totally taking care of myself. I just want to feel better and go back to working out and eating yummy salads. I can't taste shit so I should probably be eating the salad but I want comfort food which means carbs. I did lose a few pounds which I'm sure I packed right back on this week. Thanks sick. I could use a dose of medicine and a good nights sleep that's for sure.
Otto will be 8 months in a few days and I can't even believe that. It is going so fast. He is still my sweet sweet boy but he is started to become very busy and has been getting into everything. He crawls so fast now and can pull himself up on everything. If you plop him down in a room and walk to grab something from another room you can bet he is going to be at your ankles chasing you down. Kid is fast. It's fun watching him explore and start really playing with things.
Him and Olive really played for the first time ever yesterday. I mean obviously they play but it's mostly her torturing him and shoving toys in or out of his face. But yesterday she brought him in the teepee. She crawled out like a crazy person and he would poke his head out and get her attention then get back into the tent and she would come crawling. I guess like a really loud game of peekaboo. They were both hysterical and it was pretty damn adorable. These times are pretty amazing and for like one second everything is chaos free. Then olive usually tackles him as he cries an game is over.
Olive Olive Olive. My spirited little child. She has been pretty opinionated lately and beyond stubborn. While I give her a thumbs up and want to raise a strong girl she needs to give this mama a break. Most things are a battle and I have just come to expect that and learn to approach everything calmly and know it's not going to be a yes mama for anything. I get it, she's testing me exactly what she is supposed to do. I know there is a little bit of jealousy with Otto that I've just started to notice. She really makes and effort to crawl up with me and snuggle and tell me she loves me over and over. It's kinda amazing and super sweet. I love those moments as the days are just chaos. The best way to describe it is like a ticking time bomb. And once something sets them off watch the fuck out. There are lots of tears and yelling between us as the day goes on. But when things are good she's amazing and sweet and beyond fun but when it's bad it's really bad. I have no idea what she will be like as she gets older. I always kinda thought I pinned her as this super social cheerleader type but girl has a dark side. Lately on play dates she has zero Interest in her friends. Will play by herself and get super dark and emo when her friends come around. It's been weird and sad cause it's so out of character for her. I spoke with her teacher about it and she said she noticed that kids do that a lot. Some days they are just social and other days they want to play alone. I dunno it's weird. But ya so she's been way antisocial with her friends she has known since she was a babe. Then today we were in land of nod waiting to get the kids photos taken and ahe was playing with this little girl like they were bffs. Playing pretend and laughing. So I know she has it in her but she is just starting to get a little selective or moody at times. Kids are tricky business.
Thursday, February 6, 2014
Ya I think we have the super flu cough in these parts. We were staying way too healthy this flu season but not to worry we got something real good and nasty. Otto is slowly getting back to normal. I haven't had to do a breathing treatment on him in days so that's the best news. He's still coughing and a bit snotty but his breathing is so much better. I'm hoping he doesn't have asthma as I feel like now when I look back to months ago he had a bit of rattling breathing when he got sick. Can't stress on that now as getting him healthy is my goal now. I started feeling pretty shitty on Sunday and now I'm pretty sick. It's not a normal cold it's a combo of a cough and the worst stuffy nose ever. I never get a cough like ever and I'm hacking like crazy and it hurts. I feel achy all over too like all my body parts hurt but so far no fever. Olive has the cough but no runny nose so hopefully the flu shot did something good. Right now I'm just trying to get better as this has really been a rough one. We haven't really done anything fun for over a week besides a birthday party this weekend that Otto stayed home (as to not spread his sick) so ya it's been some long ass days. Were used to getting out and breaking up the day with random errands or fun play dates but it's been pretty boring around here. I have zero energy and I don't want to share this sick with the rest of the world. As much as all I wanted to do was crawl up on the couch I did nothing like that today. There was a lot of tv watching for olive but you do what you have to. Lots of painting and puzzles and made up ridiculous games. During one of ottos naps I was able to make a weeks worth of baby food and some energy bars. I felt accomplished. I feel so thankful for healthy days especially when I feel like this. Hoping tomorrow is a snot free day and we can get back to some what of a normal life.
Wednesday, February 5, 2014
Every single night right on time Otto wakes up. This kid is like a clock! We were doing really good on sleeping before the sick but starting over so 10:06 every night it is. Then 11:58. Then 2:23 and then with a closer around 4 when. I usuall ly just bring him bed cause I'm so flipping tired. Pretty much every two hours. Ya sucks.
This morning was an early one. Otto was up around 4 to eat then never really went back to sleep so finally a little before 6 we just got up. Olive had been calling for Blake so apparently she wanted to party too. So so tired. We ended up starting the morning with a valentines craft. While olive is usually happy to watch tv for a bit Otto is all over the place so once he is up it's game on. It was a long day as we stayed home since I'm still feeling kinda gross. That and it was rainy and getting dressed sounded bla. We made valentines cookies which was super fun and messy. We played with every toy possible. Olive dressed up in a million different outfits. The best part is she took a nap! Otto also took his typical 30 min nap and once he was awake he fell back asleep in my arms. It was lovely and I just sat on the couch and watched "call the midwife." It's so so good! I'm pretty hooked on the show now and excited there are so many seasons.