Wednesday, January 21, 2015


I've opened this blog a dozen times over the last few weeks and just stared at the screen. I would write a sentence, delete, and repeat. This space still feels weird. tainted maybe. Right now it's hard to write about my life when my head is all over the place and my feelings are so up and down and all around. Taking photos is so much easier. It's like this one moment that is perfect and there. It doesn't change. It is what it is. You can remember just that moment and it can be just that. Call it controlling or whatever but it brings me some sort of peace in all this chaos. I'm working on it one post at a time.

Olive learned to ride a bike, a two wheeler. Kind of a big milestone in life I'd say. We took off her training wheels months ago and took her out. After a few minutes she was beyond frustrated and crying so we decided to give it some time. I knew she would be able to do now. It took a few times holding on to her so she could figure out her balance and then a few pushes to get some speed but she nailed it. After 15 minutes she was riding around like she'd been doing it her whole life. We took another ride today and she did amazing. We were stuck in the house for the last few days with the sick. Both kids have a nasty cough. It's been crazy and we all went a bit stir crazy but I decided today we all needed a little break.

Having a 4 year old is pretty rad when she isn't being a total jerk . Today she decided to call me Jenn and holy crap did she think it was the funniest thing in the world. Kid is full of personality and energy. She knows how to have fun and her imagination is like something I've never seen before. She has developed some weird fears. It all started a few months ago when we were at Disneyland. We were watching the Jedi training school thing and Darth Maul came out and she immediatly started crying and jumped under the table. I have never seen her scared of anything before so this was shocking. After that the night fears and  fear of going to bed really set in. There was about a month or two where it was hours of screaming and crying before she would stay in her room. Like the kind of crying where you can't breathe. It was a pretty wild time and to say it was exhausting doesn't even give you an idea of what we went through. She was scared of everything in her room, the dark, monsters and pretty much her own shadow. One night when I was moving the Elf on the Shelf to a new spot I came up with an idea to have the elf leave her something magic. If it came from us she would have blown it off as bullshit but coming from the elf, it had to be true. I searched through some drawers and found a silver dollar. Funny enough I think it came from "the tooth fairy" when I was a kid. Why I have it or kept it was beyond me but it came in handy. The elf wrote a letter explaining that by putting the coin under her pillow that she would be protected from all monsters and evil. It worked perfectly and the next night it was like a new kid. Crazy right? We still have to go through a whole night time ritual and every light in the hall/bathroom is on but its fine. Nothing is as crazy as all the screaming. After the coin she was still waking up and coming in our bed in the middle of the night. After a few sleepless weeks we moved her to a floor bed when she came in. If it was as simple as her falling asleep on the floor it would be fine but she would toss and turn and do this weird throat thing which is her current weird tick. I say this in a loving joking way cause she is a weird kid but in the best way possible. So as of now she is sleeping in her room. Hallelujah!

With the fear of the dark came the death talks. We told her about someone who died while trying to save someone who was drowning in the ocean (he was a lifeguard) and it totally kicked in that fear of the ocean and being completely freaked out when Blake goes surfing. She was beyond curious about death and spent a lot of time talking about it. She would tell people about Ben (who had died) It was kinda awkward and uncomfortable especially because she would straight up tell strangers about him. I know, weird. But really I get it. Death is this crazy new concept for her and wrapping her 4 year brain around it is HUGE. Not everything is goth for her. She is learning at the most incredible rate. Sometimes I forget she is 4 because I feel like she gets so much. She loves school, loves learning, and is the most social kid I know. I walked her into school one day and three girls ran over to her, one gave her a hug and the others whisked her away. It was for sure one of those emotional moments where she is her own little person and at that moment she was just her, didn't need me. Moments like that are weird in parenting, bittersweet I guess. As crazy and hectic as life is I've been trying to live in more of these moments. It sounds easy and natural but it's not. Life is full of a million errands, another kid running the opposite direction, thoughts of dinner, cleaning, the possibility of getting a bathroom break, and returning a phone call from a friend that called you weeks ago. Ya shit like that. But ya the moment. I don't always do it but I'm trying to when I can.

Wednesday, January 7, 2015

2 0 1 5 F U C K Y A

Yep I'm still around. I took a little break from the blog but I feel ready to get back to it. Life took a funny little turn and shook me up and spit me out. I've been dealing with a lot of shit, a lot. It's been some of the worst crap I've ever dealt with but it's also changed my life.  A lot for the better and maybe some for the worst. I'm dealing with myself and my demons and whatever else gets thrown at me for the first time ever. I'm ready to take life by the balls!!! This space used to be for me to just vent and share my life and I feel like I want that back. 

So happy new year and cheers to 2015!!!!

Thursday, July 17, 2014

Otto is ONE

Pizza, popsicles and the beach to celebrate Otto. Otto turned one and he did it in style. He thrashed his smash cake and ate 3 popsicles. It was a really good day and I feel insanely lucky to have such wonderful people in our lives who love him so much to be there. Everyone seemed to have such a good time especially Otto!

We have "real" photos but who the hell knows when we will get to them so for now this kinda sums up the party.

wine + ice cream

Olive's fever is making itself quite comfy. I took her to the dr this morning and she seems to have a virus. I mean I probably could have guessed that but this was the first sick where she has had a fever for 3 days. It's been a long day so far. I get antsy when I don't get out, mostly irritable which results in me being an asshole and having zero patience with the kids. We missed one of Otto's friends birthday parties this am which I am super sad about because all my friends were there and man oh man do I need them for sanity. We also had tickets for X and Bad Religion tonight and we were taking Olive but she is way too sick to go. I am so sad as she would have loved it. I think last time Blake and I had tickets to a concert a kid was sick. Maybe live music just isn't meant to be. Luckily Blake was able to take his parents and use the tickets so at least they will have a good night. Meanwhile I'm being super emo and pissed at the world cause I'm hungry and beyond tired.

Olive has been a trooper with the sick. She mostly just wants to be left alone which is fine but Otto has other plans. As soon as she gets cozy on the couch he pretty much body slams her. I mean its not all day but she is irritable which I totally get. Otto is sensing my stress and being extra needy. If I'm not carrying him around we are reading. It's his new favorite thing. We pile books up and read them over and over. He has a few favorites but he wants them over and over. I love it so much but the second I get up to get water or pee he freaks out. It's just been a long ass week and I'm burnt out. I am very ready for the weekend.

Obviously all of these things are out of my control which I think is still something I am trying to learn. I know it sounds simple but it's not. I can be the most zen person on the planet for the most stressful things but when my plans change or I'm thrown off I freak. This is the Sagittarius in me. I've mentioned my new found soul searching in astrology and I am learning so much about myself. It's made me more aware of things and closer to accepting them or changing them (the negative things) but I also think I've focused on the positive. Maybe its all bullshit but I'm finding something to grasp on to and its good. I'm just having trouble finding certain calm areas in my life because I feel misunderstood and unappreciated. I don't feel like any of my needs or wants are acknowledged or taken seriously. So ya that gets annoying. I complain when really its about doing and making changes but baby steps. Part of it is I just can't find the chance to breathe or catch up on anything and I'm constantly feeling behind or like I have a pile of shit to do. So excuse me while I eat ice cream for dinner and chase it with a glass of wine......

Finally back to running. Trying out new trails. 

He makes everything dangerous, everything! 

Breakfast of champs. 

Fake meat, black beans, grilled peppers, avocado, and cotija cheese tostada. I went through a pretty shitty cooking phase but I'm feeling super inspired lately so maybe I will post more photos......

Bed of nails. So goth. 

Ok I know this looks NASTY as shit but it was delicious. Salmon with a homemade pesto sauce. I have a basil plant that is going crazy so I made a big batch. How did I not do this earlier? Pesto and salmon were meant for each other. Cous cous and sautéed kale with a lemon garlic dressing. 

Otto likes to eat his food and then help himself to Olives leftovers. Kid has a hell of an appetite. 

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We made pretzels. I still have my wetzel pretzel making skills from when I worked there at 16.