Tuesday, May 6, 2014

mean mom

Some days I feel like an awful mom and I have this tremendous guilt of how shitty I was to my kids. Today was one of those days. It was just hard and I definitely lost  my temper over and over. I woke up with a cold which just sucks. I felt crappy and tired as Otto has been sleeping pretty shitty. There was nothing really specific just that everything was difficult, everything. I got so angry and yelled over and over at the kids which doesn't help anything. I tripped over every stupid toy and it was like every little thing I did had to be hard. Just one of those days where I wish I had a little help or just some relief at the end of the day to help with dinner of baths or something. When my foot is better and I can get around I know it will be easier but now every day just seems crazy. I hate yelling and getting mad but some days I just can't hold it together. I've had good days here and there and while every single one has been hard some days just feel crazy. This cold is stupid and besides feeling like shit it's making me a snotty mess. Olive has it too so she isn't in the best of mood either.
I wake up every morning and try not to feel sorry for myself but I just feel like every day it gets harder and my guilt is heavier and heavier. I keep wondering when I'm going to snap and yesterday I thought it could have been the day. I'm so scared that I will just lose control of everything. I've been in a pretty dark place and while I'm able to pull myself out now and again some days not so much. In the end it's been just me and the kids and it's been too much for me to handle. I can admit that now. I can't do this. While I've tried to find my strength in all this and be creative and resourceful I'm one person. Maybe the point of all this was to discover that?? Maybe to realize I need help and I can't do everything alone? I have no idea my emotions are all over the place and I'm super sick. Nothing makes sense.  I don't like the mom I've been lately and I can't figure out how to find a happy place. Life can be a real shit head. 

Sunday, May 4, 2014


Less than 24 hours in Palm Springs is kinda starting to become my thing. I headed out on Saturday for a friends bachelorette party. I was hesitant to go as Otto was sick but once friday came he seemed pretty good. Also I wanted to test the whole splitting breastmilk with cows milk before Costa Rica. He did totally great with the milk so that's one less thing I can worry about. He also slept through the night and took like 2 hour naps. I swear they know when mom is gone. 

The weekend was really fun and I am super glad I went. It was really really hard with my foot. Obviously everyone was extremely helpful and ridiculously sweet about it but I hate hate asking for help. It makes me feel silly. Sitting by the pool all day was so nice but it's little things like getting up to pump which is like the smallest thing ever that's a huge deal. Carrying my bag of milk to the freezer then coming back to clean my parts. All like the easiest things with two legs but add crutches and it's a hassle. I did it cause that's what I do. I make that shit work. Trying to get around in crowded bars was just comical. I charged so that's  all that matters.  I got a few hours of sleep so I'm feeling crazy now and as much as I missed the kids I could not wait till bed time. Olive and Blake did a Disneyland day so I was in my own the whole afternoon. It was a long day of being tired and just like school days it's always hard getting Otto around. Dinner and baths were quite the process without olives help but we did it. 
I realized I need to stop hopping while I hold him. Sometimes when he is tired he won't follow me to his room so he sits and cries. I mean hello mom guilt. So I'll usually grab him and hop down the hallway. Today I was overcome by this holy shit I'm totally going to break my ankle. I just put so much pressure on it all day and oh my gosh can you imagine. So trying to hop less...

On the penis themed things..

Thursday, May 1, 2014


I just hobbled through my house and realized it's possible my living conditions are unsafe.Gross!!! I mean my house is dirty and not like a few dishes in the sink like filthy dirty. Sticky and straight up nasty. It smells too. Obviously I can't keep up and Blake has been working all day only to come home and work till super late at night. Trying to take deep breathes and ignore the filth since I physically can't do a damn thing. 
Poor Otto came down with croup. Yesterday was rough for him as he was fighting a fever all day. Last night was long and he was in and out of our bed. I feel awful for him. He sounds all raspy and now the snot is a flowing. I can't remember the last time I slept and today I'm feeling it. I'm grumpy and so so tired. I'm having insane mom guilt over Olive missing dance tonight as there is no way I can bring Otto there sick. I so wish I had two of me. I want my leg back so bad. I have an xray on Monday and I'm so anxious to see the progress. I have some weird bone sticking up in the middle of my foot that is causing me some major pain. No idea what it is but I'm a little concerned. I've accepted the fact that Costa Rica is going to be tricky but at least I will only have to take care of myself. I was also supposed to go to palm springs this weekend but with the kids being sick I feel awful leaving them but I also think I need a day away. It's been weeks of being home and maybe a day away would feel good. I'm trying so hard to keep my head up. I got into a full panic last night and again all my brothers words pulled me out of it. I started playing the victim and becoming insanely negative. I don't want to be like that. This is all temporary and I need to focus on getting better not feeling sorry for myself. 

On to other things. Otto almost took a step on Tuesday. It was so close. I was sitting with my friend and he stood up and lifted his foot and we both saw it and then he hesitated and sat down. He is so close. I'm just hoping he will do it before we leave for Costa Rica but I'm guessing he may save this milestone for grandma. He's having a hell of a time running yes running with the walker and shopping cart so maybe he's cool with that. He's decided that everything is a cat. I mostly like when he looks right at Sierra and says cat. I don't actually know if he knows what a cat is but he repeats it over and over. His two top teeth are in and he looks adorable. Totally changes the way he looks. He loves his sister so so much and they are really having fun with eachother. She wakes up every morning and asks to play with him. She tortures him a lot of the time but he doesnt seem to mind as long as she is giving him attention. 
Olive has been a champ. She has her moments but she has been such a big help. She does everything for me. Sometimes she acts like a 12 year old and it's so hard for me to remember she is only 3 because she is so damn smart. When my foot is better she is getting some seriously one on one attention. She deserves it!