mean mom

Some days I feel like an awful mom and I have this tremendous guilt of how shitty I was to my kids. Today was one of those days. It was just hard and I definitely lost  my temper over and over. I woke up with a cold which just sucks. I felt crappy and tired as Otto has been sleeping pretty shitty. There was nothing really specific just that everything was difficult, everything. I got so angry and yelled over and over at the kids which doesn't help anything. I tripped over every stupid toy and it was like every little thing I did had to be hard. Just one of those days where I wish I had a little help or just some relief at the end of the day to help with dinner of baths or something. When my foot is better and I can get around I know it will be easier but now every day just seems crazy. I hate yelling and getting mad but some days I just can't hold it together. I've had good days here and there and while every single one has been hard some days just feel crazy. This cold is stupid and besides feeling like shit it's making me a snotty mess. Olive has it too so she isn't in the best of mood either.

I wake up every morning and try not to feel sorry for myself but I just feel like every day it gets harder and my guilt is heavier and heavier. I keep wondering when I'm going to snap and yesterday I thought it could have been the day. I'm so scared that I will just lose control of everything. I've been in a pretty dark place and while I'm able to pull myself out now and again some days not so much. In the end it's been just me and the kids and it's been too much for me to handle. I can admit that now. I can't do this. While I've tried to find my strength in all this and be creative and resourceful I'm one person. Maybe the point of all this was to discover that?? Maybe to realize I need help and I can't do everything alone? I have no idea my emotions are all over the place and I'm super sick. Nothing makes sense.  I don't like the mom I've been lately and I can't figure out how to find a happy place. Life can be a real shit head.