goth

I've opened this blog a dozen times over the last few weeks and just stared at the screen. I would write a sentence, delete, and repeat. This space still feels weird. tainted maybe. Right now it's hard to write about my life when my head is all over the place and my feelings are so up and down and all around. Taking photos is so much easier. It's like this one moment that is perfect and there. It doesn't change. It is what it is. You can remember just that moment and it can be just that. Call it controlling or whatever but it brings me some sort of peace in all this chaos. I'm working on it one post at a time.

Olive learned to ride a bike, a two wheeler. Kind of a big milestone in life I'd say. We took off her training wheels months ago and took her out. After a few minutes she was beyond frustrated and crying so we decided to give it some time. I knew she would be able to do now. It took a few times holding on to her so she could figure out her balance and then a few pushes to get some speed but she nailed it. After 15 minutes she was riding around like she'd been doing it her whole life. We took another ride today and she did amazing. We were stuck in the house for the last few days with the sick. Both kids have a nasty cough. It's been crazy and we all went a bit stir crazy but I decided today we all needed a little break.

Having a 4 year old is pretty rad when she isn't being a total jerk . Today she decided to call me Jenn and holy crap did she think it was the funniest thing in the world. Kid is full of personality and energy. She knows how to have fun and her imagination is like something I've never seen before. She has developed some weird fears. It all started a few months ago when we were at Disneyland. We were watching the Jedi training school thing and Darth Maul came out and she immediatly started crying and jumped under the table. I have never seen her scared of anything before so this was shocking. After that the night fears and  fear of going to bed really set in. There was about a month or two where it was hours of screaming and crying before she would stay in her room. Like the kind of crying where you can't breathe. It was a pretty wild time and to say it was exhausting doesn't even give you an idea of what we went through. She was scared of everything in her room, the dark, monsters and pretty much her own shadow. One night when I was moving the Elf on the Shelf to a new spot I came up with an idea to have the elf leave her something magic. If it came from us she would have blown it off as bullshit but coming from the elf, it had to be true. I searched through some drawers and found a silver dollar. Funny enough I think it came from "the tooth fairy" when I was a kid. Why I have it or kept it was beyond me but it came in handy. The elf wrote a letter explaining that by putting the coin under her pillow that she would be protected from all monsters and evil. It worked perfectly and the next night it was like a new kid. Crazy right? We still have to go through a whole night time ritual and every light in the hall/bathroom is on but its fine. Nothing is as crazy as all the screaming. After the coin she was still waking up and coming in our bed in the middle of the night. After a few sleepless weeks we moved her to a floor bed when she came in. If it was as simple as her falling asleep on the floor it would be fine but she would toss and turn and do this weird throat thing which is her current weird tick. I say this in a loving joking way cause she is a weird kid but in the best way possible. So as of now she is sleeping in her room. Hallelujah!

With the fear of the dark came the death talks. We told her about someone who died while trying to save someone who was drowning in the ocean (he was a lifeguard) and it totally kicked in that fear of the ocean and being completely freaked out when Blake goes surfing. She was beyond curious about death and spent a lot of time talking about it. She would tell people about Ben (who had died) It was kinda awkward and uncomfortable especially because she would straight up tell strangers about him. I know, weird. But really I get it. Death is this crazy new concept for her and wrapping her 4 year brain around it is HUGE. Not everything is goth for her. She is learning at the most incredible rate. Sometimes I forget she is 4 because I feel like she gets so much. She loves school, loves learning, and is the most social kid I know. I walked her into school one day and three girls ran over to her, one gave her a hug and the others whisked her away. It was for sure one of those emotional moments where she is her own little person and at that moment she was just her, didn't need me. Moments like that are weird in parenting, bittersweet I guess. As crazy and hectic as life is I've been trying to live in more of these moments. It sounds easy and natural but it's not. Life is full of a million errands, another kid running the opposite direction, thoughts of dinner, cleaning, the possibility of getting a bathroom break, and returning a phone call from a friend that called you weeks ago. Ya shit like that. But ya the moment. I don't always do it but I'm trying to when I can.