Wednesday, February 11, 2015

it's not you it's me

I got into bed with some good intentions of sleeping but my head is spinning with a million things and the last thing I'm going to do is sleep. My twice a month posts are pathetic but I do have so many good intentions of writing more but the plain truth is I'm tired every single night. Today was an interesting one and a huge lesson in so many ways for me. I've always brought my kids into "my world" which I mean doing stuff maybe I enjoy and letting them experience it to a certain degree. Sometimes this backfires and sometimes its an incredible experience. Basically manitaning relationships with friends that don't have kids is really really hard.

Today I realized that and it was a big eye opener. We only had plans to get lunch which was a pretty damn large feet. Everything about it was difficult. Olive completly read the situation and knew that the attention wasn't on her and just reacted right away. She is a smart smart kid so she played it up. She took being a shitty kid to a whole other level. Every single time I told her to stop or yelled at her it was just more and more fuel as it was bits of attention. Now I know she is 4 and a total little shit most of the time. I can handle that. Today was beyond anything I've ever seen. I know I can be dramatic but I am not kidding when I say it was hands down the hardest few hours with her. Luckily my friend loves my kids and doesn't hold it against me but still for the first time ever I was embarrassed. I blamed myself and my parenting thinking I was raising this spoiled rotten brat that has zero respect. I felt super shitty. I was disappointed in her and mostly in myself. When we got in the car to drive home both kids passed out and I just thought about it. All of a sudden it hit me that it wasn't her fault for being a little shit, it was my fault for putting her in that situation. Now I know life isn't all fun and games but how can you expect a 4 year old to walk quietly and not whine and complain or beat up on Otto while me and my friend are trying to talk about (to her) the most boring conversation ever. We were walking down a busy street, it was hot, and no one was talking to her. I'm the asshole here. I'm not in any way defending my kid and her shitty behavior I just think the expectations are crazy. I mean obviously some kids would be perfect angels. If you know me or read this blog then you know I don't and will never have those kids. I'm fine with that.

During Christmas time I read a pretty cool article. I wish I could find it now but I think about it a lot. Basically it was just saying how during the holidays we shlep our kids to all these adult parties, make them wear stupid clothes, take a bunch of photos, hang out with weird aunts and cousins they have only met once and we expect them to be good. It's bullshit and the article kinda talked about that. It wasn't rocket science but I think we don't always think about it. Ya it sucks I wanted more than anything to catch up with my friend and talk for more than 1 min before having to stop and yell or remove one of them off each other but this is my reality. While I need to raise my kids to be respecful I can't expect perfect little angeles. I know its all obvious stuff but today just really opened my eyes. I love all my child-less friends but I think I need to revaluate when and how I see them. Being stressed all day over Olive and yelling and threatening did nothing for both of us.

It was a long day and there were definitely early bedtimes for the kids and a very large glass of wine but we made it and its pretty exciting when you can learn something. The glass of wine plus my lack of sleep put me in a crap mood tonight. By the time Blake got home I was exhausted and grumpy. We sat on the couch and talked for awhile. He was telling me all about these podcasts he listens to and just talking about his day and people from work. It was wonderful and seriously makes me so happy but all of a sudden I was just overwhelmed by this shit feeling of I have nothing interesting to tell you, nothing. I know he doesn't expect anything, he knows what I do all day but its me. I know I've talked about this a million times on here. I try not to get too down on myself about it as I literally have no time for myself but I just felt shitty. I felt left out. I felt sad. I felt pathetic. These feelings are just the gateway to the depression that sets in when you realize you just have nothing interesting to talk about. In the light of day and much more sleep it's never that bad of course but some days it's hard. Today was just one of those days.

Random photos to end on a good note....

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