here i am

I've really been trying to live more in the moment and not get so stressed on what I need to be doing next and just try to be present. The idea of it is amazing and some days I nail it, other days I fail miserably. This week has been hard and just trying. For the first time in my life I've taken responsibility for feelings that I have. For me this is major anxiety and depression. Some days some weeks are bad bad bad, other days I do great and I'm calm like really calm. I can remember writing posts years ago and feeling an emptiness. I never understood it but now I get it. I always pictured a depressed person sitting in their bed not able to get out and face the day so I never thought that was me. Cause if I can do anything I can take the day by the balls. I can get a million things done, go on crazy adventures, and do it with an insane amount of energy. And hello to the manic part. It's pretty severe and I only joke cause while I may be bat shit crazy I can't take myself THAT serious. It all stems from some pretty messed up stuff but thats totally besides the point. The issue is dealing with it every single day. Add my kids to the mix and it's hard, really hard. We all deal with things so it's not like I'm alone. In all my therapy the one thing I've noticed is everyone is pretty fucked up. We all have our shit and its really just a matter of how you deal with it. I'm trying so so hard. Although I'm dealing with all of this I also finally feel whole if that makes sense. Like all the pieces came together and while they may be kinda wacky they are all there. I'm not sure why I felt like I needed to put it out there but I'm sure I'm not alone in this.  I don't have all the answers and I sure as shit don't know what I'm doing most of the time but I just want to be happy. It seems so so simple and its truly what I wake up every morning breathing in. 

My photos are always my happy place. Little tiny moments when things were just right. I want to remember these right here. 

So Blake and I went on a trip to Joshua Tree. It was amazing and for the first time in my life I feel like I relaxed, like truly stopped. It's pretty incredible out there. People always talk about the weird powers and feelings out there and I thought it was some hippy bullshit but it's not. It's pretty magical. Oh and we got matching tattoos cause were weird like that. 

And then we came home and it was practically summer here....