So I peed on a stick.......: sleep would be nice

This week has been tricky and good and long and happy and a lot of other things. Blake is in Costa Rica on a man vacation and I'm bitter about it. It's a long story and I don't want/need to get into it but he is there and I am here. Marriage isn't always easy, communicating is even harder. Add kids into the mix and it's even crazier. I'm happy he is away and relaxing. He deserves a trip, he works hard but I work hard too. Being a mom is the hardest job I've ever had in my life. It's not always rewarding and there are no set hours and sometimes when you need a break you don't get one. Life has kinda been in a funny place., I mean isn't is always? I keep thinking one day I will figure it all out but I guess that would be boring right?

The last few days my mom has been helping me out which has been the best thing ever. I couldn't have survived this week without her. Olive has entered a crazy toddler phase and I also think her 2 year old molars are coming in so it's been a lot of long days, meltdowns, and Olive throwing the word no at my like nobodies business. She has tested me in every way possible and it's hard. She has a ton of moments of laughter and silliness and tons of sweetness but it's always the hard stuff that gets ya down. I'm trying to focus on her sweet moments at the end of the day and the fun things we've done to keep myself happy.

I feel like lately I keep getting asked when we are going to have more babies. I kinda just say we'll see after summer which is true. We've talked about it here and there but I think selfishly it's more me being cautious. This summer will be the first summer in 2 years that I haven't been pregnant or had a baby attached to my boobs and I'm feeling ok with a little break. Olive is at a fun age even with the crazy toddler days. She is independent, adventurous, and pretty good about being spontaneous. I want to enjoy this time with her and just go and do. I think for Blake it's harder for him to understand but being pregnant is hard. I was lucky to have a great pregnancy the first time around but I was tired and I'm worried about what it will be like with Olive and being tired. She isn't one to sit and relax while I'm tired ya know. Also this is the first time in years even before I was pregnant that I feel like I'm in good shape. I mean don't get my wrong I'm not prancing around on the beaches in my bikini but I feel really good and I've lost the baby weight and some. It's because of muay thai and kickboxing and finally feeling more in control of my body. It's an incredible feeling. If I get pregnant I have to give up muay thai because its a crazy contact sport. I could still do kickboxing but obvously it wouldn't be as easy. Also when I moved to OC I didn't know anyone, I was a total loner and sad and lonley. I am so lucky that I've found a ton of mom friends that I hang out with all the time and truly like. I also have friends that aren't moms and I love being with them. I feel like I'm living my life and being me and not the crazy emo kid that first moved here and hated it. Life is hard in so many ways but I feel lucky in friendships. Not that being pregnant affects that in any way but it's nice to just be me for a bit and not big fat pregnant Jenn. I think some people will understand this and some won't. I want more babies, maybe a lot of them I dunno but right now I need a bit of a break even if it's just for a few months. Maybe this is selfish but I feel like living here I never got to have my own life and now I do and I enjoy it. Mom life is awesome but I think it's important to also be just Jenn. I want Olive to know I have a life too and I'm not just a mom but I'm a daughter, a friend, a wife, and that I have things outside of mom life. I dunno I guess for me the balance is important. Ahhh if I only I was a few years younger and I could wait a bit more. Damn you 30's

I didn't mean to rant tonight and I'm sure it came sounding all sorts of wacky but whatever. I'm going on night 4 of no sleep. I don't know what is wrong with me but sleeping has been near impossible. I drank a big ol sake at dinner and I'm hoping it will help me to turn my brain off a bit.

As always a big photo dump.