My mind has been going in circles all day. Arg I still blame spring for my cloudy head and angry/emo mood. I can't quite get myself out of it. Today was gloomy and not at all helpful for that kinda mood. Otto and I dropped off Olive at school at 8:30 and spent the entire day running around doing errands. It was exhausting but I feel accomplished. And I got a run in so it was pretty good. Being home is starting to become pretty tricky. There isn't enough of me for both kids. While Olive has these amazing bursts of independent alone time playing dolls or coloring she also spends most of the day wanting to play or going a hundred miles an hour. We go from puzzles to coloring to playing dance class to playing school. She is so into role playing and dressing up. Everything is a character or made up person. It's hysterical. We have dance parties, tea parties (she is obsessed with drinking chamomile tea) and endless amounts of art projects. This is a normal afternoon for us. I love it. And damn I put on a fine tea party but I also have a tiny little human crawling up my legs and demanding for me to hold him allllll day. I remember Olive doing this at his age too. He's figuring it all out right now. There are times I can leave him in the playroom and he will go around and play with a ton of toys, destroy this and that, climb something, or find like the one scrap of paper hidden behind a chair. There is balance sometimes but when he wants me there is nothing else he will accept. I mean obviously it's the sweetest thing ever but the balance of two is hard sometimes. As soon as I think I have it figured out one of them changes. It's good but I get tired both mentally and physically. Mom life is pretty crazy stuff.
Lately I've just really been focused in on every little thing they do. I don't know if it's that sometimes the fact that I can really see Olive becoming a big kid scares me or that I'm not sure we will have more kids and this will be my last whatever stage it is. So many things going on in my head. It's funny how many times I've been asked if we are going to have another. Before Otto was born I was sure three was a good number. After Otto was born I was thinking we were pretty done. Those first few months of finding balance and so many sleepless nights made us pretty sure we were done. Then here we are today. While Otto is getting harder and harder and way busier he's losing that baby. He's getting close to walking and he's talking like crazy these days. He's not a little baby anymore and I get so sad. Not a day goes by that I don't think to myself if I'm done. Unfortunately I'm on a time schedule since I'm older. Gosh what I would give to be like 4-5 years younger and have a few years to take a break. I would absolutely want one more. While financially it's out of the question and totally irresponsible I don't want to have any regrets as were dealing with a time sensitive matter here. Two is nice, it's neat but every single thing about me loves chaos and a bit of a mess. Three is unbalanced and chaotic and just sounds perfect. Blake on the other hand is done but he can be convinced otherwise :) It's hectic, busy, chaotic, and amazing all at the same time.
