Thursday, March 6, 2014

Days like these

I feel a night of insomnia coming on. Stupid stress. Otto is teething anyways so he's had some sad sleepless nights so at least ill have company. I've been laying here just crying for the last hour trying to figure out life and surviving. Financial speaking of course. I freak out all the time but this time it's bad. Were pretty fucked and I don't have a way out. I'm sick of the stress. Complaining won't help but it feels good to just put it out there. Sometimes I wonder why it has to be this hard and why just for like 5 min we can't catch a break. Unless I get a job  full time I don't see any other solution. When I think of that I get super sad. As stresssful as being a mom is I feel so lucky to watch my kids grow and be there for every single second of it. I mean that's worth everything. Sadly the price were paying is struggling beyond anything. So what do I do? Being a parent is crazy. I mean I never fully understood what it meant to want the best for someone till I had my kids. I want to give them everything. It's the most insane feeling. The thing with kids is they don't care about so many little things we do. 
We were at the park yesterday and it was so beautiful out. They were both on the swings laughing and for like 15 min it was perfect. Nothing else mattered in the world. More and more I try and just bottle up those moments. There are so many little ones in the day. Unfortunately I let the annoying ones take over and piss me off. I'm trying not to be like that. I know at the end of the day I have my healthy and happy kids and that is so so important. Nothing else should matter but sadly it does. The financial and emotional stress of life just takes over and gives you a giant smack in the face. I hate when people tell you just to be satisfied with what you have. I mean no shit but if you don't want more then you will just stay the same forever and screw that.  As much as this week has gotten me into a dark depressed place I'm also ready to make changes. Something, anything. 
Blake and I have been talking about starting our own business for over a year. He has some amazing ideas. I truly think it could work. But sadly we don't have anything in savings and I have incredible debt. That and it's not just us anymore. We have mouths to feed and life to live. Thinking about any risk just freaks me out. I try and think in my head how it would work. I watched my dad go out on his own when we were kids. He started his own business and I know it was hard. We struggled bad. I remember that. I was old enough to get it. I can remember sitting in my living room at probably like 8 years old sorting through nuts and bolts and making up sample bags. My dad is in the electronic hardware business so lots of nuts and bold literally. I remember this trays we put everything on. I can picture the lighting and our ugly blue plaid couch. We were the workers. Over the years I just watched things grow and grow. He started with a little home office to a small rented office and now he owns and entire building and has hundreds of people working under him. It's incredible. Sadly I didn't get his business skills but I always try and think about him and how amazing it was that he did this. Obviously we are lucky to have help from family. No one is starving and I'm sure my kids will not be denied any need or even want. It's not about that It's about making a life where we can have some breathing room, pay bills, have a little in savings. I'm tired of talking about it and thinkng about it. 
Today I'm trying to pull myself out of this place and have a good day with my kids. They don't need this burden. Life, you're a tricky thing. 

Right here, this moment is everything. 

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