mini eggs

It's mini egg season which is bad bad news. While I can't say I love Easter I LOVE the candy. Oh cadbury eggs and mini eggs. Why?? Pure torture as I've been eating so damn good and actually losing weight. I don't just eat a handful it's the whole damn bag. Enough of my nasty habits. On a good note I've been working out a ton and I feel great. I'm still not where I want to be but I'm close. I've managed to go running every single day Olive is in school and I'm trying to keep that schedule. Since I didn't wear a bathing suit last summer I want to make sure I feel good this summer. That and I have lots of bathing suit get aways so pressure it on.

Life has been busy and we're back in a better place. Things are settling and feeling a bit more managed and calm in some parts. Otto is crazy active and all over the place. He's starting to pull off things and stand up on his own and without hands. He is getting darn close to walking. His second tooth is on it's way with the two top close behind. He's finally eating like a champ. We're still figuring out sleep. Some nights are great and others are harder. He's still up 1-3 times but it's manageable. I'm not tired just mostly trying to get him to make sure he's getting a good night sleep. He's such a sweet boy and I'm having so much fun just watching him grow up. Gosh the second time around it's so different. While you always worry as a mom that what the hell am I doing pressure is gone and you just get to enjoy and relax a bit more.

Olive has good and bad days. Going to bed at night is still an hour long screaming at the top of her lungs battle. We have no solution and poor Blake takes this one. He is much more patient then I am and at the end of the day it's better he can calmly deal with her. Like everything I'm sure its a phase. A shitty one but this too shall pass.

We had a pretty amazing weekend. We went down to Carlsbad to hang with a bunch of my friends and their kids. Our first stop was the beach. It was the most beautiful day. Blake got to surf for awhile and I got to hang with my friends on the beach. Olive was perfect the entire day like from the time we got there at 9am till we left at 7pm. It was one of those unreal days where she just played with her friends ALL DAY and they were so sweet and kept totally busy. Otto was great and as usual he is pretty easy as long as he's fed and not tired. He's super social and he did not run out of people that wanted to hold him so he was happy (as was I to get a nice break) We had dinner and drinks at my friends house and it was just lovely. It was a good teaser into summer. We haven't spent much time at home especially on the weekends so the house is suffering at bit. We have a weekend full of yard work to get done, fence building (for the chickens), and tons of gardening. I'm hoping before it gets too warm we can do that somehow.

And photos oh man do I have photos to catch up on. Starting here....

Olive and Forest. Cool kids. 

Otto and Penny at her 1st birthday. 

Bounce house birthday party. 

And Queen Elsa. Her smile kills me. 

Buddies. 

This view and a stolen lemon. 

Disneyland. 

Kid loves a good roller coaster. 

Rain! 

BOTH kids were asleep which has probably happened about 2 other times ever. So naturally we sat in the rain and ate churros. 

The Zepher ride at California Adventure. No lap sitting. Super unsafe and so unlike Disney. Otto was thrilled. 

One of the few times she got to dress wintery. 

Photo by Olive. 

Food is getting super messy. He prefers to eat it by himself which is great but man its messy. 

Weirdos. 

Lego movie. I don't recommend brining a baby unless you are crazy. I am clearly nuts. 

This box was the best toy for a week. Every single day I ask myself why I buy toys. 

Super pumped on hopscotch. 

Crazy dinner dates. 

Dog wash day. 

Lots of bike rides. 

Melissa's baby shower. 

Poolside. 

While I wash both cars they play. Yes I washed and vacuumed both cars. 

Dr.Suess birthday. 

Since it's lighter longer we've been having sunny dinners and its kinda amazing. 

Uncle time at Disneyland. 

Captain EO. Holy shit I forgot how amazing this was. 

Sharing. 

Snapdragons. Mind blown. I specifically remember there were some down the street from my house when I was a kid. I remember my mom showing me how to move their "mouths" and I was blown away too. Being a kid is awesome. 

A normal egg and a random mini egg. 

Already wrestling. They knew exactly what to do. Remi was the winner here. 

Naked babes. 

White trash ball pit is the best summer toy ever! 

Pretty running path. 

The sticker chart. Some days it really really helps and other days she could care less. 

This is what she wanted from the "toy store" for completing her sticker chart. 

Classy snack. 

Kiddos. 

All the ladies. 

My favorite meal ever. Shrimp kaboobs and grilled artichoke.  

This is her Easter dress. I was trying to find something super tacky but sorta amazing if that makes sense. I went everywhere and ended up with this cause the deal was it had to be cheap. I already took the ugly flower off. The best part is she LOVES it. 

cedar plank salmon, grilled onions, pasta, and cucumber tomatoes with goat cheese. 

Little lick of ice cream. 

Learning all about the slide. 

Spring

Tomorrow is a new day. I just keep telling myself that. Today sucked. Plain and simple. I felt like I just couldn't win with Olive. I tried so hard and it was just battle after battle. She was picking on Otto all day. She probably made him cry at least 15 or more times. The attitude oh the attitude. I haven't cried from being frustrated in a long time and I just lost it today. All her princess dresses are in the garage. I took dance class away from her too. She was really bummed out about it for like 10 min then she went outside and played by herself for like an hour like nothing happened. I've pretty much lost control with her and I'm at a loss. We've been working with a sticker chart and it felt like it was working for a second but clearly she could give a shit. And bedtime  oh man what a joke. It's over an hour of these crazy almost barfing screams. She's fake crying so she's being extra dramatic about it. It's hard as I don't want to wake up Otto. I'm not sure where I went wrong with my kids but sleep is not one of their strong suits. In between all the ugly she is just so so smart. Like sometimes it's scary. She does not act like a 3 year old or even a 4 year old. Her imagination is unreal and she is so much fun and holy shit is she cleaver. I guess with this comes the crazy.  She has bits of sweetness in there. She will hug Otto nicely or give him a kiss when she isn't tackling him of course. And she will snuggle with me and tell me she loves me. Gosh I love all those moments but sadly with her the bad has taken over. When you are dealing with someone so strong willed and so determined it's hard.

I know my shitty attitude and mood didn't help the day as I was feeling crappy from the moment I got out of bed and totally on edge. It was mostly my fault as I didn't want to leave the house today. I could barely get dressed I was so upset today. Being home just doesn't work for us. I get bored which makes me pissy and irritable. Tomorrow we need out. We need fresh air and sunshine. I need to start over. I realized today my mood (obviously combined with my shitty financial situation) is for sure because the seasons changing. I've written about this before but I get so damn affected by the change even when it's not crazy obvious. I dunno I need to blame it on something. Tomorrow we start fresh and happy!

Here fishy fishy

Otto got his first tooth! It's sure been giving him a hard time. I'm hoping that the other one next to it is on it's way too. He's been pretty bummed about it and the only thing making it better is mama. Only mama. He's been eating like a champ lately so hoping we are on the right path now. He ate 3 meals for the first time ever. He was having some weird allergic reactions or what I thought were allergies but some how they just disappeared. So maybe his rashes were flu related? Either wait he's eating and I'm happy! 

We had a really nice day today with one of our friends at the aquarium. It was super easy and the kids we're so happy and good. Olives been a little funny with her friends lately. I've noticed that in large group play dates she gets really antisocial and kinda mean but it was just her and her friend and they had the best time. Totally well behaved besides my child being a total wild and crazy kid but that's nothing out of the norm. So as much as I love going in big groups I think the smaller play dates are just best for now. It might be a phase or who she is but for now whatever works. Otto loved it there as he got a little crawling time in and absolutely loved watching the fish. It's kinda the best spot for babies even in the stroller as there is so much to look at. 

Days like these

I feel a night of insomnia coming on. Stupid stress. Otto is teething anyways so he's had some sad sleepless nights so at least ill have company. I've been laying here just crying for the last hour trying to figure out life and surviving. Financial speaking of course. I freak out all the time but this time it's bad. Were pretty fucked and I don't have a way out. I'm sick of the stress. Complaining won't help but it feels good to just put it out there. Sometimes I wonder why it has to be this hard and why just for like 5 min we can't catch a break. Unless I get a job  full time I don't see any other solution. When I think of that I get super sad. As stresssful as being a mom is I feel so lucky to watch my kids grow and be there for every single second of it. I mean that's worth everything. Sadly the price were paying is struggling beyond anything. So what do I do? Being a parent is crazy. I mean I never fully understood what it meant to want the best for someone till I had my kids. I want to give them everything. It's the most insane feeling. The thing with kids is they don't care about so many little things we do. 

We were at the park yesterday and it was so beautiful out. They were both on the swings laughing and for like 15 min it was perfect. Nothing else mattered in the world. More and more I try and just bottle up those moments. There are so many little ones in the day. Unfortunately I let the annoying ones take over and piss me off. I'm trying not to be like that. I know at the end of the day I have my healthy and happy kids and that is so so important. Nothing else should matter but sadly it does. The financial and emotional stress of life just takes over and gives you a giant smack in the face. I hate when people tell you just to be satisfied with what you have. I mean no shit but if you don't want more then you will just stay the same forever and screw that.  As much as this week has gotten me into a dark depressed place I'm also ready to make changes. Something, anything. 

Blake and I have been talking about starting our own business for over a year. He has some amazing ideas. I truly think it could work. But sadly we don't have anything in savings and I have incredible debt. That and it's not just us anymore. We have mouths to feed and life to live. Thinking about any risk just freaks me out. I try and think in my head how it would work. I watched my dad go out on his own when we were kids. He started his own business and I know it was hard. We struggled bad. I remember that. I was old enough to get it. I can remember sitting in my living room at probably like 8 years old sorting through nuts and bolts and making up sample bags. My dad is in the electronic hardware business so lots of nuts and bold literally. I remember this trays we put everything on. I can picture the lighting and our ugly blue plaid couch. We were the workers. Over the years I just watched things grow and grow. He started with a little home office to a small rented office and now he owns and entire building and has hundreds of people working under him. It's incredible. Sadly I didn't get his business skills but I always try and think about him and how amazing it was that he did this. Obviously we are lucky to have help from family. No one is starving and I'm sure my kids will not be denied any need or even want. It's not about that It's about making a life where we can have some breathing room, pay bills, have a little in savings. I'm tired of talking about it and thinkng about it. 

Today I'm trying to pull myself out of this place and have a good day with my kids. They don't need this burden. Life, you're a tricky thing. 

Right here, this moment is everything.