So I peed on a stick.......: control freak

the big one is asleep and the little is eating, hence the lack of caps while i write. trying to get a bunch of stuff done bit somehow i just cant manage. my house is in ruins and laundry is scattered about. its quite the mess. i've kinda lost any control in my life and its taking a whole lot to adjust. The other day I was just losing my mind and it all came down to lack of control and learning that I'm actually a super control freak. (off the boob) Um ya I had no idea. I think because I'm a go with the flow when it comes to certain aspects of life I didn't connect it but now having two kids and absolutely no control over anything I'm just a mess. My patience is just tested daily and mostly I just try to keep my shit together and it sure isn't easy. Next week I will be at 6 weeks and if I get the ok from my dr I will be able to work out. I'm hoping going back to kickboxing or at least working out will help me to find a bit more zen in my life. Another thing is the combo of feeling crappy about my body. I know I know I just had a baby 6 weeks ago. I try and remember what someone told me, that it took 9 months to get this way and you need to give it that much time to go back. Its a lovely little saying but its bullshit. There should be a little * next to it and it should say unless you live in southern california where everyone is a bunch of skinny salad eating bitches. I swear everyone I know goes back to normal in like 2 weeks. I know don't compare myself to others, our bodies are all different. Bla bla bla. I told Blake that if we ever had another baby to make sure I do not give birth in the summer. I thought big dresses would be easy but my fat arms are not cute. I'd prefer a big ass sweater and leggings. I know I'm being hard on myself but its just plain hard. I've been stuck at this weight minus a few pounds since my 2 week appointment. I haven't totally changed my diet that much minus the salad I eat for lunch everyday but I'm slowly trying. I'm also not an idiot and I know I need to eat healthy and balanced to keep my milk supply good. I'm hoping once I add a little workout I will be much better off and just feel better about myself. My mission is 25-30 pounds! Lets do this.

The weekends are sure more special these days. Blake's schedule with work is a bit different as he gets home later. It's not too bad as with summer we just eat dinner later and Olive goes to bed later which she doesn't mind. I feel bad that he doesn't get to spend much time with the kids when he gets home and its pretty hectic but I think its probably like this for most people. We did the fair again which was awesome. I'm hoping to hit it one more time before it goes. Sunday was a weird day as the sun never came out so our beach plans were kinda shot. It wasn't a total loss as we sat at Blake's parents house and relaxed a bit then ate dinner with the family. Oh and last week I managed my first beach day with the two kids alone. Well not alone as my two friends where there but without Blake. It was actually pretty easy. I think I've kinda figured out how to simplify it. Olive kept busy with her friends aka a combo of being a total jerk and playing with them and Otto slept most of the time. Still trying to figure out how to handle my kid. She can be so sweet and funny but she will just flip and and totally act up. We have a lot of talks about how to treat friends and she has no problem telling me that we don't hit, push, throw sand, etc but when it comes to hanging out she will do these things. If I try and control her or give her a time out its like she doesn't even see me or she will act like she won't do it again and then go right back to it. I feel like I've tried everything with her and nothing is working so I'm kinda at a loss. I know I can't keep her inside but I get embarrassed when I'm on a playdate and she's a jerk. Some of her friends are a bit younger so they aren't there yet or maybe they won't even get there. Some are similar to her but the point is I want her to listen. How how how??? Again back to that lack of control I have and I hate it. Parenting is so fucking hard.

Lets talk about Otto cause he's kinda awesome these days. He is smiling and laughing like crazy. He sees me and his little eyes just light up. He probably just thinks BOOBIE but whatever I'll take it. He is cuddly little man and getting huge. I'm guessing this kid is somewhere around 12 pounds now or more I have no idea. He had the most wonderful night of sleep last night. He slept from 10-5, woke up and ate then went back till 8:20. He would have probably gone longer but Olive decided to be a bit loud which was fine as we had to go to swim anyways. I'm sure it won't always be that good but the sleep felt awesome.

I wish she would actually wear it but it only lasted for the photo. I cut the mullet part off one of my dresses to make it. I want the mullet dress style to go away. I so hate it.