1 week old

When you talk babies with people all they can talk about is their birth and the pain and the bla bla bla. Um why the hell don't people mention how hard it is to be a parent? I keep hearing it gets easier as time goes on but shit this is hard work. I've been driving myself nuts with deciding on how I want to breastfeed, how to pacify, co- sleeping, and all those lovely things. I've gotten some amazing advice from people and read a ton about everything but in the end all babies are different so what works for one person may not work for Olive. I've established breastfeeding and feel confident about it although she is a very sleepy feeder. I've pulled out every trick in the book to keep her awake and I'm sure in time she will get better. She LOVES the boob and not just to eat but to pacify. After a big feeding she will flail around like she is starving and looking for my boob. I resisted giving it to her for a few days but lately I'm thinking it might be best just to let her have it and become soothed.

I've been reading a ton about eating on demand and I don't quite know if its for me. I like structure but I'm also open for a little wiggle room so I'm just trying to find my balance with that. Of course the most important thing is that she is getting enough food but I also want her to be happy. The first few days were really hard just trying to get the hang of it and dealing with chapped nipples but luckily they have healed and I'm slowly finding my groove.

We were having troubles with nights. She had no interest in going to sleep and would just cry and cry. The only thing that would soothe her was boob and she ended up sleeping on our bed which we had never intended on. It was great for feeding since I would literally roll over but I was so worried we would roll over her. We have a co- sleeper and I was really hoping to get her in that but the first few nights she wasn't having it. Talk about frusterating. I tried not to get frustrated but you cant help but just meltdown at that point. I know its totally first time parenting things but at 1am when you have a screaming newborn you can't calm down nothing matters but how awful and helpless you feel. I had a nice talk with Blakes cousin yesterday who has a little one a few months older and she reassured me it gets easier. She gave me some great tips and things that worked for her. So last night at bed time we put her in a really tight swaddle, turned her on her side, and shhhhhhh'd the crap out of her. Thank you Happiest Baby on the Block. Fucking genius! We had watched the dvd before Olive was born but it honestly doesn't make sense till you have a screaming baby. We also added some white noise since a few people have suggested that and it worked like a charm. She was out and I actually had to wake her 3 hours later for a feeding. I've read you can let them go 4 hours at nightime but I figured my body woke me up for a reason so I might as well feed. So after that feeding we did the 3 s's and she went back to sleep. Its incredible. She would start to move around a little bit so I put the white noise closer and a bit louder and that calmed her right back to sleep. I sooooo hope this works tonight. It felt so good to get a solid few hours of sleep. Of course everyday is different so we'll see.

Besides all the newborn worries we are having so much fun with her. When she is awake she is so alert and looks all around with her big blues eyes. She scans the house and looks at everything. She smiles all the time. I have no idea why people say newborns can't smile. She makes the funniest faces ever. Sometimes I just stare at her and wonder how the hell she fit in my belly. All her little twitches totally make sense now and her hiccups. Its just insane. I am so excited to see what she will do everyday and even in a week how much she has changed. And now for more photos..

Olive Francis Sinclair

She is here! So much to write about and way too many photos to post. Olive was born on September 23, 2010 at 1:22 pm. 7 pounds 9 ounces and 19 inches. She is absolutely perfect and I can't stop staring at her. The last few days have been insane trying to figure it all out but wow what an experience. I can't wait to share my birth story and a million other things but for now random photos.......

is it time yet?

** I thought this was kinda cool to post. I was writing it in bed the night I went into my birthing time. I forgot to post it but its pretty funny and it was the real deal.

I'm laying in bed now. Can't sleep and having some pretty intense birthing waves. I don't know if its the real deal or not but I'm mentally timing them right now. If I have two more ill start writing them down or using my app on my Droid. I don't want to wake Blake yet. I figure he needs some sleep. I had a appt with my midwife today. She took my blood pressure and it was pretty high so she had me lay down and then took it again. It came up totally normal so she told me I have to rest. Its not officially bedrest but I'm not supposed to do much. I've been taking it pretty easy lately but I definitely don't lay down all day. I'm way too ansy but ill manage. Otherwise, the appointment went well. Funny thing when I was laying there she told me I was having a contraction. Except I couldn't feel it. I think I've kinda blocked out all the little aches and pains cause I knew they were nothing. So hoping these are the real deal and its go time but well see. It may just be a false alarm but it is a full moon!!

39 weeks

Well almost, technically thursday is 39 weeks but its close enough. Last night I felt different,I can't explain how or why but I just did. I've had a pretty constant cramping since last night. Its not painful at all just an uncomfortable constant cramp. I hope that means something is happening in there. Still not sleeping but I have a surprising amount of energy. I walked outside this am and it felt like fall and I immediately got happy. Summer has been really mild here but I am ready for some cool weather. My mom is coming down again to join me for my midwife appt which will be nice. Then I think we are going to bake cause that is what I've been doing every day. Its totally been my form of nesting. My mood has been a billion times better. I swear venting helped. I got the nicest phone calls and emails from friends yesterday. A few read the blog so I think they were making sure I wasn't gonna go off the deep end but then there are those other friends that just sense things. I dunno I can't explain it. Everyone has those friends that just call at the perfect moment. Yesterday my friends came through on that one. Wow I miss everyone!

Ok think birthing thoughts for me, I'm soooo ready!

poop and cookies

I keep thinking I am going to wake up to my water breaking, I have no idea why but I keep having this vision of it happening. But then again the reality is my water probably won't break on its own since my moms didn't and according to my doula you birth like your mom. I actually kinda want it to break, I think it would be interesting to see what it feels like.

Last night was a pretty shitty nights sleep. I know I did sleep cause I had some weird ass dreams about changing a babies diaper. This time the baby was actually a girl (every time I dream of a baby its a boy) and she was really tall and my mom told me I had to change her diaper but I had never done it before so I was so confused cause she kept moving around and there was massive amounts of poop. I dunno it was gross but I think it just goes along with my fear that I've actually never changed a diaper. All of my dreams that involve a baby have included changing a diaper as the main goal of the dream. What is wrong with me? Maybe its cause I always have to pee at night? So ya sleeping last night sucked. Usually I can at least fall asleep but I couldn't even do that. I listened to two of my hypnobabies tracks and those didn't even relax me which is very strange cause I can usually pop one of those on and I will be out. Maybe it was the 15 cookies I ate before bed?? I was in my baking mode yesterday and I'm sure it will continue today.

monday

I'm happy its monday, normally I hate mondays cause its the start of the week but I'm taking this monday to start fresh. Last week was a weird week in so many ways. First off I felt like total shit, I was emotionally a mess, I kept fighting with Blake, were infested with spiders, and a billion other things mostly emotional depression type shit. I'm not a depressed person (although anyone following my blog might think otherwise) I'm actually the one person I think my friends would always say is happy, upbeat, and pretty much always looking on the positive bright side of things. I hate that I find myself the complete opposite of that these days. I know I know hormones, life changes, bla bla bla but seriously how can I get over this? My biggest fear is the dreaded PPD. I never really understood what PPD was till I read about it and realized that I could totally fall into this considering how things are in my head and how depressed and upset and crazy my life has been in the last few months. I guess it kinda scared me but it also made me aware so this is why I need to snap out of it now. There are things in my life I can change and others that I just need to accept and deal with. I've always been able to understand and handle those two things but for some reason I can't now.

One thing I can't get out of my head are my bills. I am freaking out about my credit card bills. I am $20,000 in debt. Talk about being fucked! I have always been able to deal with my debt and pay my bills on time, but without shooting its nearly impossible! It is what it is but the problem is I got my last paycheck the other day and that will cover me for one more month. After that nothing unless my stock photo company makes a massive sale (which trust me I am hoping for). If I was working it would be ok but since I will not be working for at least 2 months there is no way a magical check will come in. So in this case its like how do I manage this stress? How can I deal with something that I can't control? The credit card companies don't give a shit and Blake has enough bills to worry about. I can't just leave them and not pay them. Blake has a lot of student loans and because of this his credit is bad, so I have to keep mine good. I think everyone in the world deals with debt so I know I'm not alone but I guess I just haven't figured out how I am going to handle this and not freak out.

Ok now these spiders. Seriously never in my life have I seen so many critters in one house. You could throw me in a random spot in my house and give me a few seconds and I promise I could find you a spider or two. Yesterday was kinda the breaking point. I was getting dressed and noticed a massive (I swear it was huge) spider on my sweater so I screamed for Blake who took the sweater outside. Ok kinda gross but the real pisser was it made a home in the sweater, like a full on elaborate spider web. It was beyond gross. Its one thing to see them in the corners but in my clothes is where I draw the line. Then last night as we were watching tv one just cruised across the carpet. This is a normal thing. They aren't little tiny things, they are good sized creepy crawlers. I kill a good share each day, some are little and don't bother me at all but some are really gross and juicy and make me wanna vomit. This is all in the house by the way. The backyard is a whole other story. National Geographic should spend a day here. So I want to exterminate and Blake thinks I'm nuts. I've done the research and there are "green" exterminators and also things you can buy online that are dog and baby friendly. I have no idea if they work or not but I'd be willing to try. I got rid of ants without using toxic stuff. Ok I sprayed raid once but it freaked me out so much I hid the can. Otherwise I used all these hippy sprays and little stick things. But they are pretty gone (at least for now) so I know its possible. I just don't want the baby hanging out with spiders all over the floor, I don't know what is poisonous or not. I'm not crazy for wanting to get rid of them right? Today I'm taking my dust buster in every corner or this house and starting from there. I guess this is nesting.....

My last vent are my emotions. I was emailing with a friend this week about pregnancy and how everyone expects you to feel a certain way about being pregnant, about the baby, and just a general outlook when in reality this is a really scary time. It was like she was reading my thoughts and knew just how I felt. Sometimes people just being honest and real about things really help. Of course I'm happy that Blake and I are having a baby but right now I'm mostly freaked out. I've talked about this early on but it happened a lot faster than we anticipated so it was a bit shocking. Then the move flipped my entire world upside down and I was in a place where I found myself lonely and bored. I never resented the baby or would ever but it wasn't and isn't easy and I found myself sad a lot of the time. I'm just being honest. Being pregnant is scary. Does it make me unfit to be a parent because I'm not jumping up and down with excitement for this baby or that I tell people I hate being pregnant? Of course things will change when she is born and I see her face and she is really ours but right now its hard to love or care for something that is just kicking away at you and you know nothing about. I'm not a emotionless person by any means I just think the reality for me is that being pregnant and changing your life is way scarier than people make it out to be.

These were just thing things that kept me up in the middle of the night, my little check list of vents are done for the day and I feel much better putting them out there so I can move on and enjoy my day (aka dust busting my house)

Rosemary Olive Oil Cake

I mentioned the other day that I was going to bake in order to keep sane. It worked and I discovered how much I love rosemary and chocolate together. Plus I love using things from my garden. My next mission is using basil and some sort of sweet.......

This is the recipe I followed. The only thing I might do different next time is change up the chocolate. I used 72% chocolate (in baking bar form) and I think next time I'll try something a bit lighter and sweeter.