monday

I'm happy its monday, normally I hate mondays cause its the start of the week but I'm taking this monday to start fresh. Last week was a weird week in so many ways. First off I felt like total shit, I was emotionally a mess, I kept fighting with Blake, were infested with spiders, and a billion other things mostly emotional depression type shit. I'm not a depressed person (although anyone following my blog might think otherwise) I'm actually the one person I think my friends would always say is happy, upbeat, and pretty much always looking on the positive bright side of things. I hate that I find myself the complete opposite of that these days. I know I know hormones, life changes, bla bla bla but seriously how can I get over this? My biggest fear is the dreaded PPD. I never really understood what PPD was till I read about it and realized that I could totally fall into this considering how things are in my head and how depressed and upset and crazy my life has been in the last few months. I guess it kinda scared me but it also made me aware so this is why I need to snap out of it now. There are things in my life I can change and others that I just need to accept and deal with. I've always been able to understand and handle those two things but for some reason I can't now.

One thing I can't get out of my head are my bills. I am freaking out about my credit card bills. I am $20,000 in debt. Talk about being fucked! I have always been able to deal with my debt and pay my bills on time, but without shooting its nearly impossible! It is what it is but the problem is I got my last paycheck the other day and that will cover me for one more month. After that nothing unless my stock photo company makes a massive sale (which trust me I am hoping for). If I was working it would be ok but since I will not be working for at least 2 months there is no way a magical check will come in. So in this case its like how do I manage this stress? How can I deal with something that I can't control? The credit card companies don't give a shit and Blake has enough bills to worry about. I can't just leave them and not pay them. Blake has a lot of student loans and because of this his credit is bad, so I have to keep mine good. I think everyone in the world deals with debt so I know I'm not alone but I guess I just haven't figured out how I am going to handle this and not freak out.

Ok now these spiders. Seriously never in my life have I seen so many critters in one house. You could throw me in a random spot in my house and give me a few seconds and I promise I could find you a spider or two. Yesterday was kinda the breaking point. I was getting dressed and noticed a massive (I swear it was huge) spider on my sweater so I screamed for Blake who took the sweater outside. Ok kinda gross but the real pisser was it made a home in the sweater, like a full on elaborate spider web. It was beyond gross. Its one thing to see them in the corners but in my clothes is where I draw the line. Then last night as we were watching tv one just cruised across the carpet. This is a normal thing. They aren't little tiny things, they are good sized creepy crawlers. I kill a good share each day, some are little and don't bother me at all but some are really gross and juicy and make me wanna vomit. This is all in the house by the way. The backyard is a whole other story. National Geographic should spend a day here. So I want to exterminate and Blake thinks I'm nuts. I've done the research and there are "green" exterminators and also things you can buy online that are dog and baby friendly. I have no idea if they work or not but I'd be willing to try. I got rid of ants without using toxic stuff. Ok I sprayed raid once but it freaked me out so much I hid the can. Otherwise I used all these hippy sprays and little stick things. But they are pretty gone (at least for now) so I know its possible. I just don't want the baby hanging out with spiders all over the floor, I don't know what is poisonous or not. I'm not crazy for wanting to get rid of them right? Today I'm taking my dust buster in every corner or this house and starting from there. I guess this is nesting.....

My last vent are my emotions. I was emailing with a friend this week about pregnancy and how everyone expects you to feel a certain way about being pregnant, about the baby, and just a general outlook when in reality this is a really scary time. It was like she was reading my thoughts and knew just how I felt. Sometimes people just being honest and real about things really help. Of course I'm happy that Blake and I are having a baby but right now I'm mostly freaked out. I've talked about this early on but it happened a lot faster than we anticipated so it was a bit shocking. Then the move flipped my entire world upside down and I was in a place where I found myself lonely and bored. I never resented the baby or would ever but it wasn't and isn't easy and I found myself sad a lot of the time. I'm just being honest. Being pregnant is scary. Does it make me unfit to be a parent because I'm not jumping up and down with excitement for this baby or that I tell people I hate being pregnant? Of course things will change when she is born and I see her face and she is really ours but right now its hard to love or care for something that is just kicking away at you and you know nothing about. I'm not a emotionless person by any means I just think the reality for me is that being pregnant and changing your life is way scarier than people make it out to be.

These were just thing things that kept me up in the middle of the night, my little check list of vents are done for the day and I feel much better putting them out there so I can move on and enjoy my day (aka dust busting my house)