you've been served

Ya like no joke, some dude came to my door today and served me papers. I actually thought it was a joke and then my first thought was the city is suing me because we have a rope swing out front of our house on a city tree. Oh how I wish that was the case. I haven't payed one of my credit cards, shame, shame, shame.  I talk about my credit cards and money on here all the time. Maybe its too personal or something that shouldn't be part of a mom blog but it's my life and sometimes a simple vent to get it out there really feels good. Sadly its not a resolution but I feel so crazy inside right now that I honestly don't even know what to do with myself. First off I'm embarrassed, humiliated, exhausted, and mostly just confused as to what to do. I feel like the biggest fucking loser in the universe. I mean I'm 33 years old and I cannot for the life of me get my shit together financially. Its impossible. As if this wasn't enough I opened a massive bill from the IRS today too from back taxes from like 2009. Its like the universe just decided to take a giant shit on me today. June 1st you suck! I mean all of this is my responsibility and I will take care of all of it. I'm not blaming anyone but myself but honestly at 38 weeks pregnant I don't need this. My stomach has been in knots all day and I keep having to talk myself out of a panic attack. Luckily I was distracted today with hanging out with a friend and of course Olive doesn't give me much time to stop and think but now she is in bed and I'm a mess. I keep breathing and its like my chest is being weighed down. I'm trying to not stress on it but if this doesn't put me into labor then I will be shocked. I don't want to get depressed about this but I can feel that sinking feeling setting in. I need it to go away and quick. This little guy in my belly doesn't deserve it. I don't have answers and I've ran through a billion things that I can do through my head and at this point in my pregnancy I can't do a thing. Ya I could get a job full time job but daycare for 2 kids would probably leave us with making like a few hundred bucks a month and that is just silly. Freelance photography is a total joke right now and as much as that is my trade people are not paying anything these days. As soon as I have some time I need to try and get some jobs since its the one skill I know I have. I feel like I'm making excuses but finding time with one is nearly impossible and with two how the hell is that going to happen?? I know people do it and I just need to find that motivation or start doing drugs to keep me up all night. Good options?? I know I'm not the only person in the world to have money problems and I'm not alone but the suffering is just getting old. If I was giving myself advice I would say just do something, make changes cause I know I'm the only person that can solve all this but I don't have answers or solutions. I hate not having answers. I want a break from my mind, from money problems. I want to wake up one day and not think about money or what bill I can't pay for the month or what I have to skip from the store cause we're broke. I want to save for vacations, be able to put a little bit away for my kids to go to college, I want so many things but I mostly want a billion dollars so I can pay off everything. If I ever hear someone tell me money doesn't buy you happiness I swear I will punch them in the face. That is BULLSHIT as it sure as shit would buy me some happiness right now.

Done feeling shitty. I do love my life and I am so lucky to have so many wonderful family and friends in it. We have so much fun and I think with having no money I am able to give her a pretty awesome life. I try to focus on this part, on the positive and not be a total downer but at the same time changes have to be made and shit needs to get done.

Cute photos make me happy PLEASEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

trying to take as many photos of us together while i still have the belly. as much as its not my best look i know i will want to remember it one day. 

first bloody nose. she tripped and seemed totally fine till blood starting pouring out of her nose. she was a champ but her clothes may suffer. 

trying out the way too big for her wetsuit. 

olive and max. these two are serious buddies. 

she's been watching the show super why (which if you have kids i highly recommend) and wanted a cape and mask. i've had this fabric for years and years and was glad it went to a good use. it's super ghetto and took like 5 min but she was really excited about it. she colored the cape with a sharpie but i think as a project this week we will paint it and maybe add some sparkles to make it extra awesome. 

swimming with tamar. 

video games and seaweed with rob. 

and sometimes you just want to paint your hand and get messy.