Epic fail

Some days I'm really hard on myself and other days I feel like I got this whole parenting thing down. Today I felt like an epic failure. If I had the time to crawl up in my bed and cry I would. Ottos sick got worse and I decided to take him to the dr. He has bronchiolites so they put him on some breathing treatments and so far it seems to be making his breathing better. He's had a cough since a few days before New Years but it never got to a place where I felt it needed attention till of course the other day. I heard wheezing which is usually never good. I'm just hoping it's just a sick and not something chronic or an early indicator of ashtma. As a kid I had the worst allergies and wheezing was a huge part of my childhood. He gets himself in coughing fits where he makes himself barf cause the mucas gets all caught. It's scary and completely discusting. Not to mention his stuffy nose that just showed up yesterday. Although it's been warm the winter colds and flus are still all over the place. I just want him to be ok. Luckily in all of this he has been super happy and totally normal.

Olives been extra tough these last few days. Like really bad, for sure the worst it's ever been. It feels like so much more then her being three which leads me to think I'm fucking up somehow. I feel like a lot of it is wanting attention and doing the complete opposite of what I want. I can play the game with her most of the time but at some point I break. She can get so so nasty and sometimes I feel like I did something wrong. Tonight she told me she didn't like me and she only liked daddy. Then Blake came home and she said she didn't like either of us.  I know the shared attention has to be hard and I'm trying to give her lots of time. We do so much together all day, plenty of activities. I've started really limiting her iPad/tv watching lately. I don't know if it makes her more crazy but I feel like she gets so zoned in on the iPad and she gets psycho over it so now it's very limited. It's hard for me with feeding Otto as she runs in a million times but I need to break the habit. Most of the time I'm so busy with Otto that I don't know what she watches and maybe that's part of the problem. Obviously I'm digging for anything at this point to help her and really help me. 

After school I told her I had a surprise for her. I had found these 30 foot tall slides at a park kinda near our house. I had never actually gone to the park just saw the photo online. Well turns out the park is massive and while I was only guessing where the slides were I couldn't even get out of my car cause the park was so sketchy. Weird people hanging out and the vibe was just bad news. So bummed as she would love them. So surprise fail and she was super bummed. We went to ice cream instead which she loved but I still felt bad. I just feel so out of control with everything and I'm just trying to find that good point. I want olive to be happy and I'm hoping whatever she is going through is just a phase. 

Second kids

It's just comical how different it is with a second kid. Sometimes I feel so bad. Today for the first time in pretty much ever Otto took a crazy long nap. It was time for me to leave to pick up Olive and I had to wake him. When you have a kid that maybe takes two 20 min naps actually having to wake them up is huge and painful. Strike one for Otto. I'm currently putting him down to bed and Olive is running around in the living room with her unicorn costume on. Screaming at the top of her lungs "giddy up!!!"! It's pretty funny to listen to but then I hear "mooommmmmm I need to poop." Otto is half way asleep and I have to put him down to help her cause I can't let her run around with a shitty butt. Ripping him off my boob does not make him happy. Ok back to feeding him and she runs in cause her straps were down and all tangled. Poor Otto. I should probably give my brother a big hug next time I see him and say sorry. 

Today was a school day for Olive so Otto and I went on a run. I'm trying to plan runs on school days and get in a good habit especially since kickboxing doesn't always happen. I've been averaging about 3 miles each time with about half of that running and the rest walking. Baby steps. After we went to the park and played on the swings. I'm really trying to make an effort to do stuff like that with Otto instead of just dragging him along. He's such a sweet boy and generally happy all the time except when he's in the stroller but were working on that. He is having so much fun crawling and getting into everything. He just tears apart the playroom now. Its pretty fun to watch him. Everything goes in the mouth and then he just bangs and tries to make noise. He's started clapping too which is ridiculous cause he doesn't totally have the skills for that yet but it's pretty awesome to watch him try and get excited. He already has scrapes and bruises on his face from climbing everything and slipping. He's crazy!

We didn't have much to do so we came home and did laundry and caught up on some stupid stuff. It's nice to have the time with him even if were not doing much. 

Parking lot brawl (ok not really)

*another random post from last week. 

I might be pmsing but I feel like if someone says the word paleo I'm gonna lose my shit. I love healthy food but the paleo rage is annoying. I mean I get if people have dietary restrictions by all means but the word paleo annoys me.  I know I know worry about something that matters. 

Anyways so happy it's Friday. Thursday was a rough one and while today was pretty good by 4pm I was ready to lock myself in my room. I mean I swear when the clock hit 4 my kids turned into evil creatures out to get me. Luckily we all found a happy place eventually and enjoyed the rest of the night or well survived. 

So I got in my first parking lot fight yesterday. Ok maybe not a fight but I went ape shit on some dude. I'm normally not a honker or anything but man oh man I lost it. I was pulling into a spot and I literally stopped to back up cause it was super right and he layed on his horn like I was breaking the law. It shocked me so stopped and he was just screaming at me. I lost it like yelled every bad word I've ever know then gave him the finger with the loudest longest obscenity I could come up with. He was pissed like unbuckled his seat belt and went to get out of car. He must of seen the kids and got back in his car. Oh man I wish he would have come at me. He was this older guy driving a fancy Mercedes SUV probably super rich and fucking miserable. In a hurry to his shitty job I'm sure. It kinda set the tone for the day. That and olive had to go to the dentist and she pretty much tried to take swings at the hygienist and dentist. Followed by tears and arm crossing and so many no ways. 6 months ago she was a champ. We were in and out with smiles but this time she was not having it. $170 later I can only hope it was worth it. I mean is this even normal to cost that much without insurance cause honestly that's like two weeks of groceries for us. Always the money always.

The rest of the day was fine, we had a nice lunch and ice cream out. I just hate when the tone of the day is set so crappy. 

I just feel so tired at the end of the day like so burnt out. I know I'm like a broken record but some days are just so hard. While Blake has been getting home earlier then he was a few months ago he still doesn't make the kids bath time. I never realized what a help that was. Im super lucky that when he comes home he helps so much but the evening is hard. Getting olive to bed is bat shit crazy. There is always screaming from her and usually many tears. Tired mama! Bitch bitch moan moan. 

Cronut

I had my first cronut today. I know it's thrilling but I've been on the hunt to find one and today I just happendupon them at my local donut shop. I only had two bites and olive finished the rest for me. Monday through Friday I try and eat amazing so that on the weekends I can get wild. I will never diet but for me this works. Anyways the cronut. Ya it was good. 

After carb loading we headed to the park so olive could ride her bike and I could push Otto in the jogger. It was lovely but damn it warmed up fast. As much as I'm loving these warm days I'm thinking we should probably get some rain like really soon. This can't be good. We spent a few hours roaming around and park hoping before we headed home. We spent the rest of the day in and out of the backyard and playing. The day was long as we got out super early but it was good. Otto took some good naps and tonight he ate dinner. This is the first time he has opened his mouth for food so it's a really big deal. He hasn't showed any interest and has rejected every meal so I'm really excited to see if this continues. I'm hoping all the crawling is making him hungry. 

I also made a dinner that olive loved. She is a great eater but lately she will tell me she dislikes every meal I make. I know it's just a rebellion thing but today she gobbled down her food so fast and said she loved it so I was quite pleased. These days it's the little things. I'm  too lazy to post a recipe but we had a raw kale and brussel sprout salad with a mustard lemon dressing. Then barley with sautéed leeks, garlic, and mushrooms with a side of roasted sweet potatoes. Cooking dinner was a bit tricky as Otto was super pissed off cause his teeth hurt so it took way longer then it should have. Eventually I found something to make him happy (a spatula) so he cruised around eating that. Olive insisted on helping cook which I love (sometimes) so I was trying to be so so patient but sometimes at the end of the day I just don't have it in me. She helped and in between tortured Otto with chopsticks. I swear she doesn't leave him alone for a second. Half the time he loves it and laughs hysterical and the other half he is so annoyed by her. Funny kids. 

Again I didn't post this right away so I'm not even sure where I was going with this post........

A little bit

I somehow missed posting photos from the entire second half of december. Eventually I will go back. Blogging these days is definitely on the back burner. I miss it so much, just blabbing and venting feels so good as I feel like I don't get it out any other way these days. This post got interrupted by a 10pm wake up by Otto. And now it's currently 1am and I'm finishing it up. We've been trying to let him figure it out and fuss a bit but honestly it's just so hard to stare at the monitor and watch. He's teething and watching him in pain is just awful. Getting him to sleep is a totally selfish thing as I'm tired as shit. That and we have plans to go away for a week in May and if he's not sleeping through the night then that's pretty much not happening. I'm sure if he could sleep through the night he would be much happier too. So here's to trying. I know I sound like a broken record.....

On the new exciting news front Otto is crawling! He has the same zombie crawl as olive did. He is quite pleased to be able to her around. It's pretty funny to watch him just go for things. Our house is pretty much all baby proofed so it's all fair game minus all of olives random little toys that show up. Crawling isn't my favorite phase as he's still just so young and I get so nervous about what he will find and put in his mouth. He's pulling himself up on everything. I'm guessing he wil he an early walker like his sister. Oh boy oh boy! 

A few random photos from the first week of January. 

You are getting sleepy

Of course I never posted this days ago. Just a silly rant....

Instead of so I peed on a stick I think im going to change my blog to so I birthed zombies. Ya my kids hate sleep. Obviously no surprise especially if you've been reading since day one. Sleep is sooo amazing, why don't my kids get that? I joke because really what else can I do. Today Otto slept a total of 25 min. Yes one nap at 25 min. He is 7 months old. What the fuck? It wasn't like we were running around, we were home all day. I literally tried to put him down on like 10 different occasions. All of which he was for sure tired. Nope, kid wanted to party. This has been happening every other day and it's mostly just frustrating. I feel bad for him because I know he's tired but I'm also feeling straight up awful that I can't figure it out. 

And then the nighttime sleep. Brutal. We finally got to the point where we feel comfortable letting him fuss a little. Last night it was awesome. He put himself back to sleep like a champ last night and I only got up once to feed him. He seems very happy and I got more sleep then I have in over a year. I should have known that with kids you can't repeat things. Tonight he did the same wake up and after a few minuets of tossing around he was back to sleep. Success!! Oh no no no then olive decides it's her turn to start crying. She decides she wants me which is fine. I run in and lay down with her and she is still so upset which in turn wakes up Otto. Both kids crying at the same time late at night is hell!! I finally cuddle her get her to sleep then race Into ottos room to calm him. He was passed the whimpering out cry myself back to sleep cry. It went into the coughing cause my throat is dry kinda cry. Oye vey!!! 

So ya when I say kids GO THE FUCK TO SLEEP I mean it. 

2014 fuck ya

In the past I haven't made many New Years resolutions but this year feels different. I'm excited to start fresh in a new year. I don't propose anything crazy or want to make major life changes but I'm excited. The slate is clean and I want to make 2014 amazing. I can't really complain about 2013. Having my baby boy was pretty damn special and getting to spend the year being a mom was pretty good stuff. Of course with the good comes the crazy and being fully emerged in mom means I've given up a part of me.  I think this year I just want to do, stop talking about stuff and do it. Easier said then done obviously but I'm putting it out there. Whatever it may be.

I think most important is this damn baby weight that loves me so much that it doesn't want to leave. I got back to my normal weight a month or so ago and then with the lack of sleep and eating like shit I gained a lot back. So ya I wanna be a skinny bitch. This means making the time for kickboxing and eating better during the day. Done and done!

My photography!! Obviously my career has been on hold. While I know many people can manage being a mom and having a career I can't. We don't have the funds to hire a babysitter while I work and my kids are way too busy to just put down and try to work. But that doesn't mean I can't try to get a little of my work in there. I've tried in the past but this time I really want to try and shoot something. I can't get out and plan a model shoot I just can't and the stress isn't worth it but I have two cute kids so I'm going to try to do a stock shoot once a month with them. Easier to talk about since controlling a 3 year old and 6 month old is damn near impossible but I want to go for it! I haven't shot anything new for stock in probably 4 years and I still get money from past work, sometimes a lot of money so I figure I can contribute something to our income then hell ya ill exploit my kids. Kidding. Ok kinda not but ya lets make some photos! Since im not exactly a kids photographer I'm not totally sure this will fulfill any creative outlets but we shall see. 

I don't even know if those count as resolutions or not but I think it's a good place to start. Cheers to 2014!!!

Apple cider cheers and a 1030 bedtime!