Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Epic fail

Some days I'm really hard on myself and other days I feel like I got this whole parenting thing down. Today I felt like an epic failure. If I had the time to crawl up in my bed and cry I would. Ottos sick got worse and I decided to take him to the dr. He has bronchiolites so they put him on some breathing treatments and so far it seems to be making his breathing better. He's had a cough since a few days before New Years but it never got to a place where I felt it needed attention till of course the other day. I heard wheezing which is usually never good. I'm just hoping it's just a sick and not something chronic or an early indicator of ashtma. As a kid I had the worst allergies and wheezing was a huge part of my childhood. He gets himself in coughing fits where he makes himself barf cause the mucas gets all caught. It's scary and completely discusting. Not to mention his stuffy nose that just showed up yesterday. Although it's been warm the winter colds and flus are still all over the place. I just want him to be ok. Luckily in all of this he has been super happy and totally normal.

Olives been extra tough these last few days. Like really bad, for sure the worst it's ever been. It feels like so much more then her being three which leads me to think I'm fucking up somehow. I feel like a lot of it is wanting attention and doing the complete opposite of what I want. I can play the game with her most of the time but at some point I break. She can get so so nasty and sometimes I feel like I did something wrong. Tonight she told me she didn't like me and she only liked daddy. Then Blake came home and she said she didn't like either of us.  I know the shared attention has to be hard and I'm trying to give her lots of time. We do so much together all day, plenty of activities. I've started really limiting her iPad/tv watching lately. I don't know if it makes her more crazy but I feel like she gets so zoned in on the iPad and she gets psycho over it so now it's very limited. It's hard for me with feeding Otto as she runs in a million times but I need to break the habit. Most of the time I'm so busy with Otto that I don't know what she watches and maybe that's part of the problem. Obviously I'm digging for anything at this point to help her and really help me. 

After school I told her I had a surprise for her. I had found these 30 foot tall slides at a park kinda near our house. I had never actually gone to the park just saw the photo online. Well turns out the park is massive and while I was only guessing where the slides were I couldn't even get out of my car cause the park was so sketchy. Weird people hanging out and the vibe was just bad news. So bummed as she would love them. So surprise fail and she was super bummed. We went to ice cream instead which she loved but I still felt bad. I just feel so out of control with everything and I'm just trying to find that good point. I want olive to be happy and I'm hoping whatever she is going through is just a phase. 

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