*I wrote this the other day but never posted it. I don't know why, maybe I felt bad or there was no point but here it is.
Today has left me with a bit of mom guilt. I was kinda an asshole to Olive. I'm not perfect but for the most part I can keep my shit together. Today I could not. Patience isn't something that comes easy to me but since becoming a mom I've been able to find that super patient point with Olive. It didn't happen overnight but I feel like once she got out of the baby stage I was able to really just zone in and be this super patient person and really keep it together. I'm not like that with all aspects of my life but this is something I've been proud of. I know I'm a good mom but today I just feel shitty. Today was not one of those patient days. I yelled, I cursed I threw shoes (not at her obviously). My sick is kinda gross today and I just feel stuffy and annoyed, my body is killing me and I feel like I have't stopped sweating. I can't blame Olive that she wants to play all day but I am tired and I needs breaks and she isn't totally understanding of that. On normal days I will play all day and not tire out. At this point in pregnancy I'm done. I seriously forced her to play with the ipad today for an hour while I just laid there. Not a proud parenting moment but I had to. Luckily she took a nap and I was able to do the same. She woke up just as I was having a full nervous breakdown. I don't even know why or what triggered it but I just started crying and I just felt like shit. Some days I just feel sad because I need help. I get sad my mom doesn't live closer and can't be here. It's not fair because everyone here has their parents like 10 min away. It's not her fault obviously but I get sad. I will never move to where my parents are so this is something I have chosen living here. It sucks on days like this. These days happen and I know that and I'm trying not to be hard on myself. It's this point in pregnancy where everything is just heightened. One stupid small thing that would normally not even cause me to blink makes me want to punch someone in the face. I'm overly emotional about everything and feeling sorry for myself is like a full time job. I know when the baby gets it won't be easier but at least I will have my body back and I can move around. I just need a hug and probably a really large glass of wine.