Long days

Today around 10am I found myself freaking out and wishing Olive was coming home soon. As crazy as that kid is she has been taking over so many mom duties for me. Sometimes I feel like I'm giving her way too much responsibility but I think she likes it. She is such a big help with Otto. 

Otto and I did good today. We moved around from room to room, ate beets outside and made a huge mess. It was a nice day but keeping a super active 10 month old contained when you can't get around fast is crazy. This was my first time gettjng him to the car alone. My plan was to use the stroller but he ended up crawling most of the way and I hopped with him the rest of the way. Once we got Olive she grabbed him from me and carried him to the door. He reaches out for her now and wraps his legs around her. While I was brining all the bags in she  managed to somehow put him in the umbrella stroller, buckle him in, and stroll him around house. Hysterical. 

As much as she drives him crazy he is also obsessed with her. He wants to be anywhere she is. The afternoon was nice, hectic but nice. I figured out I can push myself around in my computer chair while I cook dinner. It's helpful and I can get around pretty fast. Dinners aren't so much hard to make just time consuming and sometimes two hungry kids don't have patience. Olive was super helpful and actually asked to set the table. With the request we sit outside. The hard part is I can't carry anything with my crutches so she has to take all plates with food on them. She does great. Once we sat down it was lovely. Dare I say relaxing. My house well it looks like someone robbed me. I can't keep up with anything all day so at the end of the day it ain't pretty. 

Tonight was my first night doing baths and getting Otto to sleep on my own as Blake is out getting groceries on his way home for work. This hasn't been easy at all. Some days I wonder how I will get though another hour. Sometimes I feel like I am physically just going to fall down from exhaustion. I might one day which is just crazy. 

Costa Rica is less than 2 weeks away. I'm hoping my bones are going to be a medical miracle and that I will be totally healed. They will write about me in medical journals!! Trying to focus on that rather then how the hell I'm going to get through the airport or around the hotel In Costa Rica. 

Middle finger

Still here still broken. The week has been going along pretty good or as good as it can. Friends have been coming by daily and I've had a lot of meals brought to me. Seriously I had no idea how much that helps. Just the company and support of friends changes everything. And not to mention the help when people are here carrying around Otto so I can be off my feet for a little. It makes a huge difference at the end of the day between a semi swollen foot or a size of a watermelon foot. 

Olive started school yesterday and Otto and I managerd pretty good. I figured I can get him to his room on his motorcycle. I kinda guide it with my crutch and it makes it easier then hopping which is exhausting and super dangerous. My friend stopped by at the perfect time so I didn't have to take Otto with me for pickup. Olive came home from school with a major attitude. I'm guessing she didn't nap cause it was ugly. She was in a nasty talking back to me mode that wouldn't quit. Every single thing that came out of her mouth was a demand or an argument. It was hard as my friend was here and honestly I can't physically remove her from situations like I normally would. It made for a long night and it was hard. I'm kinda at a loss with her. I've tried all punishments and all positive reinforcements and she doesn't care about any of them. Currently every single princess dress has been taken away but she managed to make a princess outfit out of random headbands and some hulu skirt and she was satisfied with that. So what do you do next? She's learned to pour on the guilt if you yell and let me tell you she is good. She will tell me that she doesn't like my mean words and that they make her sad. This goes on and on into the saddest guilt trip of all time. Most of the time I don't yell but when I do you can bet it's well deserved. Bed time is stil a long battle. I know it's a phase but anything that happens at the end of the day always seems crazier since everyone is tired.  It will pass like everything. 

I forgot to post this a few days ago. I made it through the week and man it was going good and then I fell again. I honestly don't even know if I broke it again. It doesn't hurt like it did the second time but it feels sore. This time I was in Otto's room and I don't even know what happened but I caught myself. I hop all day long over toys and shit and then not doing anything I fall. I'm thankful I wasn't holding him. So I have no idea what to think anymore. I'm so so sad. I already had my full nervous breakdown over it and really what else can I do. It's out of my control. Unless I can sit in my bed for 6 weeks straight then I'm kinda shit out of luck. The only people that truly get it are the ones that have been to my house and see what it is like. It's pure insanity!! Otto is into everything. I had some friends over today and within seconds I turned around and Otto had managed to crawl on top of the picnic table. He has no idea how to get down and it's on cement. That and he sticks his hands in all the planters and eat handfuls of soil. He's a great kid like amazing but he's 10 months old and is extremely busy. He's is doing everything he is supposed to do but sadly I can't get to him fast enough and 99% of his situations he gets in are dangerous. It's just hard. I spend most of my day sweating and hopping. I bribbed Olive with a sip of root beer today to entertain Otto for 5 min while I put my leg up. That's about all I get. I'm not quite sure if and how I will ever recover but I'm about a week away from just saying fuck it and walking on it. I mean at this point I'm doing more damage by letting it heal then re breaking it again. I'm not a dr but there has to be some weird scar tissue happening. 

I'm not quite sure why this keeps happening. I'm not particularly clutsy and I get around pretty good but I'm physically just so drained that I'm sloppy. 

My brother keeps telling me that when this is all over there will be a big lesson and I will learn from all of this and it will be a positive thing. Fuck man I want to believe that but at what point do you just say ok this is enough. I know I'm tough and I can handle a lot of shit but the layering of shit on shit is killing me. 

I think about what these last few weeks have taught me and I do truly believe there are lessons here or things that maybe I need to put into perspective. I've been way more present with my kids obviously because I've had too. I feel like between Olive's psycho behavior she has found this really sweet and affectionate side with me. I've had to slow down and not go go go. Maybe I needed that. Otto has a super consistent nap schedule so that kinda rules. I know I need balance but I also love chaos and going but apparently it doesn't love me. So um universe how about a little break? And not in the break where I literally break something. Please....

Let's focus on the good parts of the days. Friends helping and brining food and lots of support and conversation. That rules. 

No tears

I survived the day and when I say survive I mean I didn't cry. It's pretty manageable till about 3 then I hit that wall which is normal but with this just comes physical exhaustion and not to mention the size of my swollen foot. It's huge. I mean the reality is I can't stay off it. It's painful. I worry about it ever healing and I don't say that to be dramatic but more realistic. There are many things I'm starting to figure out better like walking with Otto and one crutch although as long as olive is home she does my lifting. I have lunch down as it's pretty simple. Dinner is the hardest part. While I feel like I've been making pretty simple meals it's not just a pop something in the microwave kinda deal. I cut all my veggies and have to prepare things. If I ate a frozen pizza I would feel like shit and considering I don't feel awesome these days a yummy meal helps. I made it through most of dinner making tonight ok. I was sweating but hey I'm burning calories right? Then Otto flipped and got super mad. So I had to carry him. Which means I'm hopping all over the kitchen on one leg holding him like a total maniac. The olive asks me  "why I'm fucking upset" I can promise fucking upset has come out of my mouth in the last few hours. I can only blame myself for that. 

I look at the week and I just think, holy shit balls how am I going to do this???

We made a weed crown. 

Clothing choices have been ridiculous and my kids spend all day filthy. 

This entertains them for quite some time. 

Boner

I promise when my foot is healed I will never complain that days are hard, never. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. Mentally I'm ok now. I've accepted that my foot is broken and it's going to be hard. I mean that should be obvious but it took awhile not to just be downright depressed about it. I'm mostly just disappointed in all that I will miss out on and how to entertain my kids at home for the next few weeks/months. The days are long. Chasing after Otto on crutches is exhausting and dangerous. He's fast and curious. Olive has been amazing, like unbelievable about carrying him around the house and pulling him from situations. I get tired and when I'm running around and my foot gets swollen and it starts killing me. I imagine it's not ideal for healing. I try to keep it elevated when I'm sitting but that's very rare. Dinners and late afternoons are the hardest. I'm managing but it's hard. I know there are lessons here about patience, slowing down, and not doing everything. I'm trying to take these lessons and keep everything on a positive note. It's beyond hard but I have no choice. 

Sometimes I look at the clock and think holy shit how can I possibly survive 7 more hours?? But I do and I will. 

I'm putting Otto down for his second nap. He was up so much last night and crazy early so he's cranky and sad. His other front tooth is almost in so im guessing it hurts. Poor baby. He just wants mama. At least my boob works....

Princess fall down

I have to apologize for the extemely emo posts lately. This is my venting and gives me a bit of sanity in all this chaos. So turns out my little slip on the princess dress re broke my foot. I mean I knew that but I got the X-ray confirmation yesterday. So now I start over with healing. I mean the fact that it's beyond ridiculous is almost funny. I'm doing everything I can to keep my shit together and honestly it's really hard. I've cried so much. I'm depressed. I'm feeling like I let down my kids. I feel beyond lonely. I feel like I'm missing out. The list goes on but in the end it just fucking sucks. While I realize wallowing in this won't help it at all it's still hard to be anything close to positive. But I'm trying. I want to take this time to focus on my kids and be present cause really I have no other option. I mean not that I don't do that already but we never stay home so now we will and we will have to get creative. That and my patience.  Nothing can be instant. Everything takes time now and picking up crutches to go pee is exhausting. I know nothing will seem too hard after this. And maybe I was supposed to learn that lesson and gain strength. I dunno. Everyday will be a challenge. I want to pick up my baby and walk with him. I feel so sad about that. It's all the little things that are hard. I need my friends and I need support so bad right know but I'm so terrible at asking. I need like a million hugs and for fucks sake can I stop crying??!!

Bitching

Well the good news is I survived the entire day alone. The bad news is I either broke my foot even worse or it's swollen from doing way too much. Or both. My crutches caught a princess dress and I slipped and instinctually I slammed down my foot to catch myself. The bad foot. I felt it shake and that same broken bone feeling that now I know is a broken bone pain just stung like a motherfucker. I just stood there and cried. There was nothing else to do. The day was so so hard. While of course there were little pieces of good things it was hard. I couldn't be on my crutches to grab Otto when he was half way up he slide or when he was crying. He's a baby and he needs me. I can't just leave him. He gets into places he shouldn't and while olive was so good about helping me she is three and sometimes she just doesn't want to. She did help me carry him to and from his room for nap which was a big deal. Cooking dinner was near impossible but I did it. I honestly don't know how I will have the energy to do it all again  tomorrow but I know that I have to so I will.  Had I not hurt my foot again I think it would have been a fine day. It was definitely the hardest day as a mom but I did it. There were a lot of tears today and a lot of pep talks with myself. I've been pain free for a few days now and I feel like I started over or made it worse which sucks. I could use some balance right now and some good news. And hugs, lots of hugs. 

Limp

I still feel like my foot is just one big dream or I guess nightmare. Everything is hard, everything. My brother helped me to figure out a way to carry Otto with one crutch and put as little pressure as possible on my foot. Its going to take some work as it's physically exhausting. But it can be done when I need to get him into his room to change a diaper. Getting him in the car might be a little tricky and I haven't quite figured that out. Today was long. Olive wasn't feeling good so I kept her home from school because obviously it's the best time for the kids to get sick. I mean bring it on universe. Otto had swim so Jared got in the water with him. It was pretty easy to manage since he did everything. Driving is ok but now that it's been in this boot for two days tiny little movements hurt so the bouncy car seems pretty painful. It's going to be a long long few weeks. Thankfully my mom is here and then it's the weekend. Hour by hour. 

Break

Olive is passed out on my bed next to me. Poor kid has a cold. Otto is sleeping too as I'm sure he is feeling the sick come on. What a week. My mom is here which has allowed me to really do nothing and to catch up on stuff around the house. I'm a terrible relaxer but I'm trying as I know eventually she will have to go home and things will get tricky. 

Last night was a rough one. Nights in general suck. My foot starts to throb and trying to getcomfortable is a joke so I just stare at the clock all night. I think I finally fell asleep this mornjng for a bit but otherwise sleeping just isn't an option. Otto was up twice which is hard. Once he is asleep on my boob I can't really get up without putting full pressure on my foot or hopping which I've been doing. Hopping generally wakes him up or since I'm half asleep I almost fall. Might be a good time for him to sleep through the night. Last night I got into a pretty shitty place. The reality of how hard this is, is really set in. I don't want to go to Costa Rica any more like at all which is the saddest thing ever as I was so excited. I just don't see the point of being so uncomfortable and not being able to get around. The idea of it sounds great but the reality is it's going to be a ton of work. I just sat here in my bed crying for like an hour. Maybe that sounds dumb but it felt good. 

I kept saying I needed a break and I guess the universe answered and literally gave me a break. Talking about a giant fuck you. Hoping today will be better and my mental state will be brighter. 

Broken

Well my foot is broken. Not cool, not cool at all. I've gone through all of the emotions already. First it was denial which quickly turned into this nervous panic of who is going to help me with the kids. It was quickly followed but just straight up sadness and anger mixed together. I'm still in the last part although I am truly trying to stop and accept it. I mean I did this to myself. The poor kids were dragged all around to all my appointments today and it was not pretty. Otto was pretty miserable the whole time and I felt totally awful. Olive was fine till the last dr and she just lost it and was a compete nightmare. The nurses wanted to kill me which didn't help as I was clearly having a hard time with both kids while hopping around in a boot.

I've beat myself up all day over it. Ya it was stupid but it happened. Blake while not being mean isn't exactly that pleased. He hasn't said that but the lack of compassion is hard to hide. Maybe I deserve it but at this point I'm pretty low so it isn't helping my slow dive into depression. 

It couldn't possibly come at a worse time. Blake and I leave for Costa Rica in less than a month. Of course I can still hobble around there but it doesn't exactly scream relaxing. I have a bachelorette party in a few weeks. I'm planning a baby shower and a birthday party. Not to mention I have two extremely active kids. I'm supposed to keep off it completely. I mean totally impossible. My brother was able to get down here today so I was only alone with the kids for an hour before he was there to help. My mom will be here tomorrow for awhile but she can't stay forever.  I'm not quite sure how I'm going to make dinner and get the kids in the bath. That and the in and out of the car to school, dance, soccer, swim.  Talk about anxiety. 

While I know this was something so dumb and I did it to myself I'm trying to find that reason. While some things in life are just shitty and just happen I think of how dumb this was. It was silly. I've done crazier things at kickboxing or being silly (sober) My brother keeps telling me I need to learn patience and that after this everything will seem so easy. Uhh so so true but it's hard to concentrate on that now. I feel like I'm going to be a bad mom. Like I can't do everything or even anything. I can't do play dates or go on fun adventures. I will have to slow down and ask for help. Two of the things I fear the most. Pretty much my worst nightmare. I'm not sure if there is a lesson here or I just fucked up but it's pretty shitty. 

Oh and the pain, ya that sucks too. 

One minute at a time.... 

Early Easter

Sometimes as a parent you find yourself saying stuff that you never thought would actually come out of your mouth. It happens daily. Today I had to tell Olive with a straight face not to throw her brother. Why I have to remind another human not to throw someone is beyond me but I'm guessing it wasn't the last time I will say it. They were both playing together so nicely, tons of laughing and then silence which is never good. Then this hysterical cry comes from Otto. So I run in the room and Olive is sitting on the couch with the most guilty look on her face. Her new thing is to say it was an accident no matter what happened. Once we got down to business she flat out told me she threw Otto. He was fine, but seriously??

We celebrated an early Eater today with some friends and it was a ton of fun. Easter egg hunt, tons of treats, and a bounce house. Lucky kids I tell you. Otto had so much fun!  Now that he is mobile he just cruises around finding danger and shoving potential choking hazards in his mouth. But damn he is happy doing it.

This is the first time in awhile she has asked me to do her hair and she requested a little braid.  Also this dress is my most favorite thing ever. Neon orange cats. I can't imagine a more perfect Easter dress. 

Wrangling the little ones was near impossible. Otto just sat there clapping. 

The ladies. 

I learned Otto can climb to the top of this. Lovely. 

Quick stop to visit Tutu at work. 

Done! 

blue toes

You know that episode of girls when Hanna gets that twitchy neck and she's super awkward?? Ya well that is me but with my eye. I get a twitchy eye maybe once or twice a year. It has to be the perfect combination of stress and lack of sleep and boom I'm winking at you when we talk. I'm about to fight it with a giant cup of coffee before Olive has dance class. I finally won the nap battle with Otto. He has been downright refusing to sleep in his crib during nap time. He's a champ in the car or in my ergo but at home he is like nooooooo way man not sleeping in there. It's mostly my fault as we are on the go so he has learned to nap like that but I'm trying to get him to at least take one nap at home. I had to let him cry a little which I hate but you know what, it worked. Even Olive was like "Ummm mom are you going to get Otto, he's crying?" I'm sure his cute little front tooth popping through isn't helping either. He is like seconds from walking. He can stand from anywhere. He needs a little something to pull up on but after that he can stand on his own for a long time. He won't take a step, just lowers himself and crawls to where he wants to go but I imagine its days/weeks away. I'm ready for walking as touching his hands on the ground is just gross. Especially since I put him down everywhere. He is a ton of fun right now and has a MAJOR personality but holy shit is he busy. I kinda thought I would get one calm one but nope he is just as busy as Olive and even more wild as he has that boy in him. He climbs everything and has zero fear. Just totally balls out!

So last weekend I went to palm springs with some friends for the day/night and it was unreal. I left pretty early saturday morning and my friends and I spent the entire day at the pool. There was a bloody mary in my hand by 10am and it was perfection. So many drinks and so much fun. Most of these friends have been in my life for over 10 years (and some more) so it was pretty special to all get together in one place as it's pretty rare these days as we live all over the place. I love how we can not see each other for awhile and its still exactly the same when we get together, like no time has passed. No drama just fun. They are some amazing ladies and I am so darn lucky. We tried to rally and go out at night but it so didn't happen. We managed to get dressed for dinner and after that most of us headed back to the rooms to sleep. Getting old is the pits but considering we racked up a $400 bar bill at the pool I'd say we partied enough. During my day drunk I decided to try and scale a wall with my feet. It ended badly and I crushed the top of my left foot with my right heel (according to my not so drunk friend). I actually don't know if it's just broken or bruised but its currently still super swollen and blue. It feels worse but better if that makes sense. I can move it way better but the pain is much more intense. I imagine its healing. Just super bummed I can't go running as I was on a major roll the last few months. When I'm working out I eat amazing and I just feel so much better. I'm hoping maybe next week I will be able to attempt a fast walk or something but now walking just sucks. Totally my fault so I can't really be pissed.

The spring funk is still in full effect but I'm just rolling with it as if I have another choice. With some earthquake weather thrown in there too which is adding to the bla. I'll snap out of it eventually but I just feel down, not like depressed or anything just sad. For me I get in these moods where I just question everything like everything and my head gets filled with all this crap and I just stress. It's just how I'm built. On top of that mom life is hard. I'm exhausted beyond anything and its non stop all day especially with shitty nappers or some days no naps at all. Blake isn't home to help with dinner and baths so ya it's a lot. I love it at the same time but I'm tired. I question friendships and where my place is all the time. I've made a lot of friends here and they are all so wonderful but some of the friendships haven't gone anywhere and I still feel out of place. It's probably just me getting inside my head which is kinda my thing to do. My best friends live too far and sometimes I get lonely not having those people around all the time. Blake and I hardly have time to talk anymore. After the hour long battle to put Olive to bed we are so burnt out that we either sit and watch tv or he goes in the garage and I go on my computer. So ya I miss him and I'm sure that isn't helping my mood. I barely see my mom as she has a lot going on with her life and I miss that help and of course having my mom around. A girl needs her mom. I hope Olive always needs me like I need my mom. Just shit like that. I mean it makes sense. Bla bla bla it's just a phase. Snap out of it spring!

So Olive had her first Spring show at her school. Holy crap it was out of control adorable. I mean she killed it up there. She was front and center and sang Skidamarink a dink a dink and You are my Sunshine like a champ. She had all these cute hand motions. The tears, oh the tears. I was seriously so proud. It was some good stuff. I get so frustrated with her because she is such a strong personality but man she is smart. Lately she is just blowing my mind with what comes out of her mouth. Probably my favorite thing lately is her drawing. She is finally starting to get it as far as making sense of things when she draws. She was in a phase where all she drew were sunshines/jellyfish. But now she draws people and rainbows and grass. I feel like things are just starting to click with that. Everything we play now is role playing, everything. I know kids are like little sponges but more then ever she is now. I give her a lot of ultimatiums in the day. So now when she gets pissed she turns it back on me. I try and explain to her that I'm the mom and she can't talk to me like that but getting through to an angry three year old is near impossible. Lately when she is good she is really good. Otto was having a full meltdown at dinner and she totally helped me make him laugh and turn the situation into something funny. It's so helpful when she gets in those good moods cause she really is helpful and capable of so much. She sure is a funny kid. I try and soak it all up because the time is flying by.

Chasing the rain. 

Two teeth and one front one on the way! 

Descanso Gardens.

Sierra pooped on Olive's Frozen dress. I couldn't decide if I should laugh or get pissed cause I had to wash it. She runs the house.

On stage at the spring show. 

Shots are always a good idea in the middle of the day right?

Moments before the foot incident. 

Nice huh?

The sweetest sleeping face. 

We've been playing a lot of go fish lately. 

He kept giving her kisses and then he tried to eat her like a zombie but holy crap it was cute. 

Easter bunny success! 

Standing and holding a barbie leg. 

We found a new place to enjoy carbs. Oh boy! 

Pita with lentil dip, rice, asparagus, and a kale and brussels sprout salad. 

First time riding the carousal and he loved it! 

Crashing Olive's tea party.