I've beat myself up all day over it. Ya it was stupid but it happened. Blake while not being mean isn't exactly that pleased. He hasn't said that but the lack of compassion is hard to hide. Maybe I deserve it but at this point I'm pretty low so it isn't helping my slow dive into depression.
It couldn't possibly come at a worse time. Blake and I leave for Costa Rica in less than a month. Of course I can still hobble around there but it doesn't exactly scream relaxing. I have a bachelorette party in a few weeks. I'm planning a baby shower and a birthday party. Not to mention I have two extremely active kids. I'm supposed to keep off it completely. I mean totally impossible. My brother was able to get down here today so I was only alone with the kids for an hour before he was there to help. My mom will be here tomorrow for awhile but she can't stay forever. I'm not quite sure how I'm going to make dinner and get the kids in the bath. That and the in and out of the car to school, dance, soccer, swim. Talk about anxiety.
While I know this was something so dumb and I did it to myself I'm trying to find that reason. While some things in life are just shitty and just happen I think of how dumb this was. It was silly. I've done crazier things at kickboxing or being silly (sober) My brother keeps telling me I need to learn patience and that after this everything will seem so easy. Uhh so so true but it's hard to concentrate on that now. I feel like I'm going to be a bad mom. Like I can't do everything or even anything. I can't do play dates or go on fun adventures. I will have to slow down and ask for help. Two of the things I fear the most. Pretty much my worst nightmare. I'm not sure if there is a lesson here or I just fucked up but it's pretty shitty.
Oh and the pain, ya that sucks too.
One minute at a time....