Thursday, April 24, 2014

Middle finger

Still here still broken. The week has been going along pretty good or as good as it can. Friends have been coming by daily and I've had a lot of meals brought to me. Seriously I had no idea how much that helps. Just the company and support of friends changes everything. And not to mention the help when people are here carrying around Otto so I can be off my feet for a little. It makes a huge difference at the end of the day between a semi swollen foot or a size of a watermelon foot. 

Olive started school yesterday and Otto and I managerd pretty good. I figured I can get him to his room on his motorcycle. I kinda guide it with my crutch and it makes it easier then hopping which is exhausting and super dangerous. My friend stopped by at the perfect time so I didn't have to take Otto with me for pickup. Olive came home from school with a major attitude. I'm guessing she didn't nap cause it was ugly. She was in a nasty talking back to me mode that wouldn't quit. Every single thing that came out of her mouth was a demand or an argument. It was hard as my friend was here and honestly I can't physically remove her from situations like I normally would. It made for a long night and it was hard. I'm kinda at a loss with her. I've tried all punishments and all positive reinforcements and she doesn't care about any of them. Currently every single princess dress has been taken away but she managed to make a princess outfit out of random headbands and some hulu skirt and she was satisfied with that. So what do you do next? She's learned to pour on the guilt if you yell and let me tell you she is good. She will tell me that she doesn't like my mean words and that they make her sad. This goes on and on into the saddest guilt trip of all time. Most of the time I don't yell but when I do you can bet it's well deserved. Bed time is stil a long battle. I know it's a phase but anything that happens at the end of the day always seems crazier since everyone is tired.  It will pass like everything. 

I forgot to post this a few days ago. I made it through the week and man it was going good and then I fell again. I honestly don't even know if I broke it again. It doesn't hurt like it did the second time but it feels sore. This time I was in Otto's room and I don't even know what happened but I caught myself. I hop all day long over toys and shit and then not doing anything I fall. I'm thankful I wasn't holding him. So I have no idea what to think anymore. I'm so so sad. I already had my full nervous breakdown over it and really what else can I do. It's out of my control. Unless I can sit in my bed for 6 weeks straight then I'm kinda shit out of luck. The only people that truly get it are the ones that have been to my house and see what it is like. It's pure insanity!! Otto is into everything. I had some friends over today and within seconds I turned around and Otto had managed to crawl on top of the picnic table. He has no idea how to get down and it's on cement. That and he sticks his hands in all the planters and eat handfuls of soil. He's a great kid like amazing but he's 10 months old and is extremely busy. He's is doing everything he is supposed to do but sadly I can't get to him fast enough and 99% of his situations he gets in are dangerous. It's just hard. I spend most of my day sweating and hopping. I bribbed Olive with a sip of root beer today to entertain Otto for 5 min while I put my leg up. That's about all I get. I'm not quite sure if and how I will ever recover but I'm about a week away from just saying fuck it and walking on it. I mean at this point I'm doing more damage by letting it heal then re breaking it again. I'm not a dr but there has to be some weird scar tissue happening. 
I'm not quite sure why this keeps happening. I'm not particularly clutsy and I get around pretty good but I'm physically just so drained that I'm sloppy. 
My brother keeps telling me that when this is all over there will be a big lesson and I will learn from all of this and it will be a positive thing. Fuck man I want to believe that but at what point do you just say ok this is enough. I know I'm tough and I can handle a lot of shit but the layering of shit on shit is killing me. 
I think about what these last few weeks have taught me and I do truly believe there are lessons here or things that maybe I need to put into perspective. I've been way more present with my kids obviously because I've had too. I feel like between Olive's psycho behavior she has found this really sweet and affectionate side with me. I've had to slow down and not go go go. Maybe I needed that. Otto has a super consistent nap schedule so that kinda rules. I know I need balance but I also love chaos and going but apparently it doesn't love me. So um universe how about a little break? And not in the break where I literally break something. Please....

Let's focus on the good parts of the days. Friends helping and brining food and lots of support and conversation. That rules. 

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