I don't want to get all negative Nancy on you guys but I seriously lost my shit tonight. I've had bad days, good days, and a lot of in between but today I just lost it, full on hysterical crying meltdown. I'm better now thanks to a mind numbing episode of Rachel Zoe, a nice text message from Tamar, and two large glasses of wine but man oh man was it a long night. This week has been weird and I'm not really sure why. After swim on thursday I was just bored and not like the normal I'm bored what to do but like the bored that you don't want to do anything. I mean we all get there but usually I can pull myself out and do something but I just couldn't . Today was kinda the same way. In the morning we ran some errands and then after Olive's nap we went to the park for a bit. The day just dragged on after that. I know this happens and it's normal and whatever but it's really hard. Obviously I know I'm the only one that can get myself out of the funk but it doesn't make it any easier.
The real pisser was this evening. I've mentioned how hard making dinner has been and the meltdowns and tantrums that Olive goes through are just unreal. Tonight just really got to me and hard. I started making dinner at 5 which is pretty normal assuming we'll eat at 6ish and I am not kidding when I say she screamed the entire hour. If she had just played with her toys I could of been done with dinner in 15 min, maybe 20 but as soon as I started cooking she was pissed. It's not like she is trapped in the kitchen either, she can go to the playroom, living room, or eating room to play. She has a million options and she can absolutely entertain herself for 20 min. She does it during the day without a problem but it's like as soon as I need to do something she loses it. Had I been doing something that could wait, cleaning, laundry, etc I would always go to her but I was making her meal too so it had to be done. I did take a break from her crying to nurse her and that helped for a few minutes then she was back to crying as soon as I put her down. At this point I was just in tears and so frustrated. She was literally pulling my pants down and grabbing onto my leg. I had to shut the door cause I seriously thought the neighbors were going to call the police on me cause she was screaming like I was abusing her. I would try and pick her up between screams and sing and dance but its kinda hard to chop veggies and cook over a stove while holding a child, not to mention dangerous. It wasn't a big deal but this has been happening a lot lately and I think it just got to me tonight. Friday is always hard as it's the end of the week and I'm pretty burnt out. Cooking dinner has always been that one thing I have that I get to do and I love but even that I can't do anymore. Then once I started crying it was like EVERYTHING in the world was wrong and kept piling up. I started getting upset about everything stupid in my life and just lost it. Obviously crying over not making dinner would be silly or is it? I don't even know anymore. I haven't been to kickboxing in forever cause by the end of the night there is no way I can muster up enough strength to go. Then when I get all frustrated and sad I get that feeling of loneliness like I can't even go meet up with a friend after Olive is asleep or just sit and vent to someone. I can't even remember the last time I had a good talk to one of my friends. I'm the worst phone talker and when I do talk to my friends I like to catch up with life and happy stuff and not so much the stuff that is a bummer. It was so much easier to meet up with my friends and talk about life over lunch, get advice, etc. I feel like I don't do that with anyone anymore and I miss that and honestly I think its making me insane to not have anyone to talk to. I see my friends so it's not like I'm really alone but no one is down the street or right there and it's killing me. I feel sad inside, mostly lonely. It still feels like this isn't really my life. I'm not blaming Olive for any of this, this is all me and my issues and I just need to figure it all out. I'm learning there are phases in parenting and babies and this one is just a very difficult one and I'm trying to figure out how to handle everything. Otherwise during the day we have a ton of fun and she is super happy BUT she has started to get very defiant and has absolutely starting testing me but I know its all part of her new toddler phase and I need to learn how to handle it, embrace it or do whatever makes it easy to get by. I'll get over my little emo phase and things will be normal but it's been months since I had a good meltdown session so let's hope it helped.
I guess sometimes a good cry makes everything better, that and a few large glasses of wine.