Tuesday, May 17, 2011

purple trees

***warning*** this post does not include cute things my baby did today so don't read if you don't want a full on emo rant about my first world problems.

These are the trees on my street and actually all over orange county that bloom this crazy purple flower in may. My iphone photo doesn't do them justice, they are beautiful! They are really blooming like crazy now and it reminded me that last year at this time we were moving here cause the first thing I saw driving down my street were these insane purple trees. I looked back on my May posts and yesterday one year ago we found out we were having a girl. I can't believe a year has gone by since we left NY. I still don't feel like I've settled into my life here quite yet but slowly I am getting more comfortable and finding my place. I think too much happened at once and adjusting is just taking a bit longer than expected amongst other things in my life. I love being a mom more than anything and I think I'm doing a pretty good job but some days are hard but it's like anything you do and I've learned to accept that some days I will smile and laugh all day and other days I will cry, take a million deep breaths, and feel sorry for myself.

I wrote a pretty emo post last night when I was putting Olive to sleep after she woke up only 2 hours after I put her down. I don't think I will post it as it was mostly just a vent and it felt really good at the time. I wasn't mad at her I was just tired and frustrated and sad. I cried like crazy when I was sitting there feeding her. Luckily I've mastered the quiet cry. It's not sad, it felt good and I needed it. If you've had a teething baby you know the days can be pretty long, especially with shitty weather and being trapped in the house with no money to do anything. I know most people would just tell me to shut up and to be thankful I have a roof over my head, a wonderful family, and a healthy baby. Not a day goes by that I don't feel thankful for all of those things trust me but at the same time does it make me a bad person that I want a haircut to make me feel pretty or a computer to actually do my job, or the occasional outfit to make me feel good? I dunno maybe. I can't have any of those things, not one and sometimes I get mad and its hard to only concentrate on what I do have. If people can put away all the superficial stuff and just concentrate on the little things then good for them but I think it's one big fat lie. We are human and we all want things, and a lot of them are things we don't need to survive. I think about how I want "things" and it makes me angry but it also pushes me to make changes or to work harder. Isn't that the point? I mean I will never know what it is like not to have a meal or a roof over my head. Fuck I'm lucky but I hate that I feel bad for wanting stuff to make me happy. Wow I said things a lot. I dunno this post is all over the place and truly there is no point except sometimes life is just funny and shitty and great and sad and I'm trying to embrace all of it good and bad.

1 comment:

  1. i commented a week or so ago about how much i love your blog for being so real...and i'm back to tell you again! being a mom is such a selfless thing...even if you want to be selfish, it's almost impossible. and sometimes i think being "selfish" is what keeps us centered...i don't mean selfish in the sense that you have to be a total jerk bag...but selfish in the sense that you "want a haircut" (you should see the back of my head from the haircut i gave myself the other day...thank God i don't get out much...haha). I also think that when you are spending 22 out of 24 hours a day taking care of a totally helpless little person, it kinda makes you a little crazy...atleast it does me. yes, we're lucky & blessed...we KNOW that...but, sometimes you just want a haircut...and there's nothing wrong with a good haircut!