Watch out I'm gonna bitch, moan, and curse so if you don't want to hear it this is your warning. Nothing awful actually happened but it was seriously one of the longest days of my life. Things started off fine. Olive had a dr appt for a few vaccines. No biggie. So when I get there my dr tells me she has decided that after this week she is no longer going to do vaccines cause she just doesn't feel we need them. Ok totally get that cause I was torn in so many directions but since I decided to go with them (at my own pace) I feel like I was just cut off. I'm not mad at her but I really really like her and I kinda don't know what to do. So I need to see another dr to get her shots and then see her for a regular dr? That just sounds confusing and like a headache to me. She has also decided that she doesn't want to take any insurance. She was giving me a super bill and then I would submit to insurance which was a pain but not like a huge big deal but now she won't take anything. The way she explained it she will lower her fees so it will work out to be the same as if she did take insurance. I know its not a big deal but this is the second dr we've been to and its a nightmare trying to find a new dr who will go on a alternative schedule with the vaccines like I want. I love her holistic approach to medicine and I love how much time she spends with me and all the fun little tidbits of natural remedies she shares with me. I always feel excited when I leave there and I always get to sit and take my time and nurse Olive after shots. That is really rare. I'm just annoyed and one thing I didn't want to have to deal with. The whole vaccine thing has been such a headache. I feel like there is no definite research on anything so its like who do we trust, these companies that make the vaccines or some random people that do research that don't have a definite answer. I mean for all I know I am paying a shit ton of money to inject Olive with cat pee or something but then I think what if she gets one of these diseases and I was a shitty mom and didn't prevent it. Fuck being a mom is hard work. I'm just venting cause well I have no other outlet besides this blog. No one gives a fuck about you anymore when you have a baby, its all about Olive. I am so ok with that, just glad I have this blog.
So besides all this news at the dr all is well with Olive except she has a yeasty diaper rash. Fucking ewww. So she prescribed her some cream. Poor kid and her yeast. I don't think it bothers her but who knows. I noticed a rash a week or so ago but I didn't think too much of it. Negative mom points for not knowing it was anything. She weighs 14.4 pounds so she has just about doubled her birth weight. Crazy. She is in the 90% for weight. Little chunker. She was so crabby today (and actually yesterday) She hates when I leave the room or put her down. She goes into a full on meltdown. I don't know why she is doing this. Teething, pain, bratty, no idea. But if I hold her and talk to her she smiles and laughs like everything is fine. Is she just acting spoiled? My friend told me this happens with girls. I just keep thinking its me and I'm doing something wrong. Again she would not nap. I would put her down when she was sleeping and she would scream. So I gave in and let her fall asleep on my boob which she did for over an hour. I imagine she would of slept longer but I was going to pee myself. I have no idea what to do anymore. I feel like I'm failing somehow. I'm just so so fucking tired and in need of a break. I need to start kickboxing and getting away a few times for a break. Maybe that is awful to say but I need a break so bad. I don't even get on my computer all day which isn't a big deal but the fact is I still need to work. I'm $20,000 in debt and no one is going to pay those credit cards but me and without photography no bills will be payed. I now have credit card people calling me cause I am late on my payments. First time I have ever been late with payments. So if Olive doesn't nap I don't have time to go on my computer and email (beg people) for work.
I just needed to vent and now I feel better. Tomorrow will be a better day.