I had one of those weird mornings and it's taken me all day to shake it off. I read this interview about a friend of mine and it left me feeling funny and kinda sad inside. The interview wasn't sad, I was actually super excited and proud for him but it just brought up a lot of feelings about my photography or lack of. My friend is a photographer and we've known each other for about 13 years now. Anyways in my eyes he is making it out in NY as a photographer. I know where he came from and I've seen him succeed by leaps and bounds. In the interview he talks about his passion and how hard he has worked and wanted this for so long. I can see him saying all this cause I've heard it from his mouth a million times. The thing is I used to have that passion too, that drive, that want like I would do anything in the world to make it happen. That is where the sad comes in. I read his words and I was sad that I had lost that. Where was my passion? Why didn't I want to try anymore? None of my lack of passion comes from having a baby or being a mom, it was slowly leaving me a few years back. I tried to keep it alive but I couldn't and I think it's now at the point where it's gone. I think back to when I was 16 and the only thing in the world I wanted to do was shoot photos. As I got older it got even more intense. It was my entire life. It consumed me. The best part was I loved it, every single thing about it. I read everything I could get my hands on about photography, this way way before the internet. I'd sit for hours in bookstores looking at books and magazines imagining that I had shot the covers and spreads. There was nothing else I could do with my life this was it and I knew that. Now many years later I sit here and barely have the motivation to shoot anything. I mean of course I shoot Olive but those are snapshots and look nothing like my work. I mean how does one just let that go?
Blake and I always joke around how photography is a great hobby and maybe we should of kept it that way. I don't mean to sound bitter but I think somewhere along the way I just got burnt. I don't talk about my photo "career" on here as first of all I don't have much of one anymore and second of all there isn't much to say. Being a commercial photographer is do or die, there isn't much in between and if there is the between sucks and there is so so much struggle. I do love struggle, it is what gets you motivated and excited but it can also wear on you and beat you down after so many years. I've been lucky, ok not lucky but I have worked my ass off to shoot the things I've shot and to get into the magazines I have but you also get to a point where it's not humanly possible to try any harder and at some point you just don't give a shit anymore. I feel like I invested my entire life into becoming a photographer. I mean the school alone was unreal. Then the money I put into building up this business. I still have debt coming out of my ass for that. I don't regret any of it, not a second but I just wonder if I will get this spark back and want to shoot again or maybe it's time to move on????
There were always times during my career where I would get stuck and my drive and motivation would be shot but I always knew I would get out of it. I had my ways, my photo friends to help me, and once I was back on track I was inspired and excited. I want that back so bad. I miss that feeling of loving what I do. Yes I love being a mom and that is who I am but I'm also a million other things. This post has taken me days to write. Not cause its complex in anyway but I've just been thinking about everything, I guess letting it all soak in.
This morning when I was getting dressed I thought about having someone watch Olive once a week and just trying to get back into things, whatever they may be. Why not give it a try before I call it quits right? My website is beyond dated, I have a billion images for stock that need to be retouched and uploaded, and I need to update my database of contacts. Yes I could do this at nap time but selfishly her first nap I take a shower and get dressed. My child doesn't take long naps so I get anywhere from 45 min- 1hour with the occasional 2 hour nap stuck in there just for a little treat. If I don't get dressed I hate leaving the house and most of our day is spent out and about so that shower is kinda important. Plus no matter what getting dressed and putting on a little coverup makes me feel human. Then her afternoon nap is where I usually eat the rest of my lunch that I didn't to eat when she was eating, clean up her lunch mess, laundry, dishes, blog, and occasionally I sneak in a 15 min nap, some days I turn on Bravo and zone out. It just depends but really there isn't that much time to sit at my computer and work. Ya I could probably lay off the cleanup or bring my food to my computer but sometimes I wonder how much I would really get done. I'm honestly not making excuses but starting the whole process of getting images ready takes awhile and once I got everything ready to go I'm 100% sure she would wake up. So what if once a week I got someone to come over and watch her while I sat in my office?? I think about the money to get a babysitter and wonder if it's worth it. What is the going rate for babysitters these days anyways? My mother in law has been wonderful to offer to take her on friday's (which I will take her up on) when she has the day off but pumping milk has been really hard for me lately and having her in the next room just makes it easier and less stressful in the milk dept. Plus if I paid someone I would really really get my ass into gear and work. I've been pumping everyday trying to save for my weekend in Palm Springs and Sacramento. I think I have enough for Palm Springs but not quite enough for Sacramento. My supply sucks. I mean I have plenty for her but any extra is like a joke. So I have to be careful leaving her places if it's not absolutely necessary at least till all my getaways are done.
This doesn't solve the problem if I still want to be a photographer or if I have the drive and motivation somewhere buried in me but I think the only way to find out is to get back into it. I feel so lucky to have something I can still do while having kids and I want to take advantage of that. Obviously I am not contributing anything financially now (everything I earn goes to my credit cards) but I feel like with a little extra push I have the potential to make a bit more money. I haven't shot a personal project for myself in years and maybe I need that too. Either to figure out this is what I want to be doing or that I'm ready to move on to something else. Either way I'm ok with what comes of it but I want some answers. So I'm slowing going to start getting my shit together and trying to re-build anything I can to put me back out there.
If you're curious this is what I do or for more recent stuff this is my blog .
If you actually read this you are a trooper and again I apologize for my shitty grammar.