Saturday, August 28, 2010

5am blues

My right arm has been asleep for the last 5 hours. This has been happening the last week or so. It usually comes back to life in the later part of the morning. Somehow I must be sleeping on it funny. I can't quite figure out how to get comfortable anymore but I think its all part of the last few weeks of pregnancy. I feel like I'm getting sleep cause I don't wake up super tired so I guess I should just go with it although a sleepy arm is really annoying.
I was up again at 5am just hanging out in bed. Got really sad again for NY. I don't know why it will just hit me at random times but it does. I have to talk myself down so I don't get too upset. Just sucks cause it kinda set my tone for the morning. It's gloomy out so I feel gloomy inside. I've said it before but its just a funny time with everything changing. I've been back in California for a few months now and I've barely seen any of my friends. Since they are spread out its been a lot harder than I thought. I don't exactly have the energy to be driving to San Diego and LA all the time and if I did I can only do so much cause I get tired. I just miss my old life. I know looking back and feeling sorry for myself is silly but I think I just need to get all these sad feelings out of me so I can move on. Might just take some time and I know I will find my place here, just hoping its soon. I try to tell myself that if we were there now it wouldn't be the same, none of our friends have kids and I'd feel out of place but I dunno. I had so many good people around me there, I was so happy and felt so loved. I miss that so much. I miss all the yummy food and coffee. I miss getting ice cream at Sweet Melissa's. I miss going to the park and making fun of hipsters. I even miss walking my 5 blocks to work just cause I got to walk through the flower district. I miss the flea on the weekends. I miss riding my bike. I miss happy hour. Seriously so much. My mom said something to me the other day. Something to the point where she thought we would move back. As much as I want to be there right now I don't think we ever will. That time has passed and things would never be the same.
Eventually when I am done being sad I will focus on my life here and try to find a way for it to work for me. I won't be sad forever and I will find my place and friends here but for now I'm just not ready to put out effort. My sad rant is over with and its time to face the day.

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